My Youngest Child

 I heard the words I've wanted to hear from my youngest child for a minute after a basketball game was over. 

I had SO MUCH FUN.. 

She's so good at it that people sometimes suck the fun outta the damn game for her. 

She just went and played. Let it fall where it may. 

She played great. Period. Highlight assist. Customary 3's. Handles. A little foul trouble though. Not under her control. 

That's it. That's the post. 

Read More

It's That Time: It's Been 10 Years (Part: Whatever Part I Want It To Be)

11/15/2022

It's been 10 years man. It's a couple of days shy of it anyway but it's here. 

Wow. Let's just say that off the bat. All the folks who are reading this who are a friend, family member, whatever to Melissa, allow me extend my thoughts and prayers to you during this time if it still hits you in a way. I get it. As you suspect. 

I guess for some of you, you are expecting some SUPER GLOOM AND DOOM POST here. There may be a little bit of sorrow in this post but I think you might be surprised to hear a few things. I'm probably just going to let the words take me where they want. It's probably going to be better that way. 

I'm going to get it all the way outta the way and say the fucking obvious. Of course I wish it NEVER HAPPENED. Duh. Feel how you wanna feel about it. It wasn't fun then. It's not fun to think about now. It AFFECTS today. Every day. In my Life anyway. These are just the facts. 

Know someone suffering from Depression? Anxiety? Mental Illness? All of the above? More and indepth stuff? There are plenty of places to go but I'll start nationally. 

Losing someone to Suicide sucks. Period. No matter what. Save your judgements and SMDFTB... 

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

These past 10 years have confirmed everything that I thought about myself leading up to the events happening. EVERYTHING. 

I've come out of it knowing no matter what I face, I can get through it. By it. Around it. Past it. My patience was tested. I couldn't make things 'go faster'. 

I had to WAIT. I'm not here to tell you that people who 'lose their spouse' in other ways aren't hurting. THEY ARE! They may not have wanted it to end. Maybe they DREAMED OF BEING MARRIED WITH KIDS AND DOING IT FOREVER. I get it. I promise. 

They also didn't have it jerked away from them in the middle of the night without any 'true' warning. I spoke on 'knowing things were headed that way" here in the past but I didn't have a PARTICULAR DATE. You usually get a 'court date' at least. A break up text. SOMETHING. I got nothing. Just woke up. Widowed. Period. With kids who needed things explained. With FAMILY MEMBERS looking at me like I did some shit. With whomever else I didn't know who came in contact with my wife outside of me WATCHING. 

Shit is hard. Fuck what you heard. No other way I can say it. 

I GOT THROUGH THAT SHIT. Ya feel me? I'm STILL FUCKING STANDING HERE. These kids aren't perfect but they aren't DEAD EITHER. They have their things that they've got to get past, including some that happened within this last 10 years BUT THEY ARE HERE. 

We are here. Standing. Moving. Living. 

Two of them are "grown", doing their thing. 

Daughter #1 is FULL grown and sorting through her Life. She's a FREQUENT visitor of my blog. It helps her in ways I thought it might but scared me at first. She NEEDED TO SEE THE WORDS you guys see here. No FAIRYTALE shit. She's got several real life situations going on. I'm just here to listen at this point. Provide a place to be maybe until #3 is out. Real Life here man...Even these words, she needs to see them. I get it. No guessing and no pretending with me. I suck at it. 

I speak on having a granddaughter but that's about all I'm going to get into here about on Daughter #2 UNLESS it affects me personally. Even then, limited things I'll say. That said, I'm in a different stage of parenting with them. One where they gotta learn to thrive on their own and I gotta let go. Working on #2. She's on her way to doing her part. Almost there. I'm going to enjoy my grandbaby being in the next room because that is going to change pretty soon. It was a GREAT time & I hope that some core memories were made for her. I know I have them. I don't have a date but I see her looking. The wheels are DEFINITELY in motion. Then there will be just my youngest and I. After that. Just me. 

The "Baby"? She was 5 going on 6 when this all happened. She's about to be 16. She's got her own Life too and I'm probably protective of her the most outside of posting about her sport. She's going to be fine. She's got a plan. A few of them. Of course, I have what I want for her but all the things that I set in place for her, I'm GOOD WITH HER DOING. From her shop to the sport/school thing. She's got OPTIONS BABY. I love that for her. She may not think that but I DEFINITELY DO. I want her to take either one as FAR AS SHE CAN. She can do it. She's got her own things to deal with growing up without a Mama pretty much. This is written for her too. Maybe some things that didn't make sense that she saw, she'll understand better in time. 

I'm going to now talk about what most people honestly come here for. Let's keep it real. Relationship stuff.  How that has been during this time period.  This section is going to be long because it's about ME. The others up top? I'm not going to go but into so much detail about. I've already talked about a bit but I'm going to color in the lines a bit more... 

I remember when I was SO LONELY....SO HURT and I couldn't let anyone in. Hell, I thought I'd NEVER do that again. Ever. It hurt SO BAD. I really can't put into words how bad it was. Days not moving off the couch if it didn't involve my kids. Walking around the gym, working out my muscles but really working out my mind. Playing ball and people saying I was 'there' but not really 'there'. Long showers trying to get the feeling OFF OF MY SOUL. People invited me out but I wasn't really there man. They knew it too. I love them for trying though. Truly. I needed to be by myself. 

So that's what I did. People came to me but I was in my own World. My kids, which most would tell you were before, became my super main focus. I can SEE how many people can say 'Fuck it." I promise you. 

I couldn't do anything but WAIT and feel the feelings. The event wouldn't let me talk to anyone else in that capacity. Yes, there were others around but not like that. I still WORE MY RING FOR ALMOST A YEAR. It didn't stop people from hitting on me and continuing to TRY to talk to me after they heard the story but I wasn't ready. I let them know that with my words, absence and my actions. It was clear. I sat on the couch and cried way more than I went out. When I went out, it was out of routine. I wasn't having a good time really most times. The ratio isn't even close, way more horrible nights than good ones. Days too. Those nights weren't always just about Melissa either. The WHOLE SITUATION was painful. My kids were hurting. My Daddy had JUST DIED the year before. My mama was in her OWN PAIN and I had to watch that from afar. Life was LIFING, YA HEAR ME?* I had a lot going on. 

Hell, I had to readjust my dating range. I wasn't THINKING ABOUT THIS prior to the event. I was SETTLED INTO MARRIED LIFE and all the things that it took to focus on one person. 

I quickly realized that I wasn't...say in my 20s..lmao. It was quite FUNNY LOOKING BACK ON IT but I quickly slid my dating range UP. Settled in on a range. No younger woman. No BABIES. I was still raising babies, fuck I look like bringing another one in? Nope. One problem though. 

I WAS STILL DATING LIKE I WAS MARRIED. I think, from what I've seen on dating sites, the 'ladies' call it 'Dating with a purpose". Yes, I was dating like my 'clock was ticking.' This is important. Remember this point. (Go on ahead and laugh.. I'M FUCKING CHUCKLING as I type this out. Literally. It's the truth though so fuck it. Here we go..) 

I started to venture out more in 2014. Had a nice friend with whom I NEVER SHARED AIR SPACE WITH. Known her before WITH NO TYPE OF THAT KIND OF CHEMISTRY OR TALK before this all happened. Has kids. Kids came first. Doing it by herself for a good minute. 

She WATCHED ME CRY on that couch btw (Video chat people. VIDEO CHAT.). 

She made 3 am phone calls, knowing I was probably sitting right on that couch, awake. 

I was. Wide awake. Typing away. Listening to music. Doing 'work', getting paid but still just existing honestly. 

I watched her go through chemo. They were about to DECLARE HER GONE.. Read it again. Like ..GONE..GONE.. 

You know. Dead? That was NO FUN. 

We've supported each other. They didn't stop making planes but LOGISTICS. Couldn't pursue it. No HARD FEELINGS. Geniune care still there.. 

I hear y'all blabbing about people of the opposite sex can't be friends. I know some of you know what I'm talking about here. You do it all the time. You don't think your partner is capable of it but you DAMN sure trust youself to do it. You've done it. You've put your roster on hold. We know this because your roster POPS BACK after every break up. I'm going to tread lightly here & say that if you did it for someone else AND THEY COULDN'T do it for you, I GET WHY THIS MIGHT BOTHER YOU A BIT. I suspect that some of you aren't feeling like it's possible because of THIS SCENARIO. To the rest of you though, I gotta ask. Were you the person who couldn't 'fall back' completely? Don't be shy..Like that mumbling Tik Tok says.. "SPEAK UP..." Being that person, I can see how you are staunchly against 'friends of the opposite sex'. You can''t do it. Say that though. That or you aren't about to let someone have the fun you were/are having. :) That's another post for another time though....

When she did get a man AND I WAS STILL VERY SINGLE, I STILL FELL BACK AS HER FRIEND because I didn't want to be in the way. I shouldn't have to have do that BUT I know how people get. She still got shit for it but whatever. Like most people, when they want you to tell the other person you are in the picture, he wanted her to DESTROY the friendship. IYKYK. 

Seeing your partner connect with someone that's not you isn't for everyone especially when you know the feeling so you HAVE TO ASK YOUR PARTNER TO DESTROY IT. Right? Riiiiight... 

You don't trust your partner then. Period. 

People are going to do whatever they are going to do is my motto. You are going to cheat on me, you are going to do it. I'm not 'helping' you cheat by 'allowing' A FUCKING GROWN person to manage their own emotions and act accordingly. People are going to LIKE YOU. People are going to be attracted to you and want you. I probably don't want you if THEY AREN'T FEELING THAT WAY if I'm being honest. There is a line but knowing they like you, want you OR WANT TO BE WITH YOU isn't mine. I'm me. That takes care of all of that. 

Also, when you are asked to 'destroy' a friendship and they've told you that they are "friends with all of their exes/on good terms.."? 

RUN. 

They aren't going to end your relationship quietly AND you have proof that they haven't 'destroyed' any of their previous /friendships with people they've been in a relationship with like they wanted you to do. Trust me here..

Anyhow, we kept it platonic. That's just what happened. 

That situation right there LET ME KNOW I COULD CARE FOR SOMEONE again THE WAY THAT I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. I let people be them. Without holding on to them so tight that I suffocated them out of fear of losing them. 

It showed that I can be happy for them even if they aren't with me or if I'm not the one making them happy. 

That's a true friend to me. I also got to see that I could still fall back, be a real friend and not be messy. Remember, I was HURTING so I could have been out here acting a complete ass. Messing in other people's stuff. Just acting foolish. What was it to me right? I'd have an excuse. I was hurting. I could hide behind that shit. Like MANY MANY OTHER PEOPLE DO when they go through something. 

I was feeling pain so fuck everyone else right? Nah, that's not my spirit. My spirit was still intact. 

It showed that I could hold my end of the boundary too. Until someone is free, they aren't. That's just how it goes. That other stuff where people get jealous over their friend's person, sabotage their stuff, give bad advice or get too handsy, I agree, isn't friendship AT ALL. They aren't respecting things. I KNOW I NEVER DID THAT. No matter what. My existence doesn't denote that so miss me with that insecure shit. Vice versa too. 

Definitely grateful for that experience. It taught me that I could be open. I was worried about that myself honestly. 

Back out into the dating market I went for a bit.... nothing serious. Spring 2015 came and I did find someone locally. I have to take some responsibility for that one not working. I should have SEEN it not going to work. Child under 5 involved. Arguments w/co-parent could ruin a whole evening. Still in between places herself. Not established in any way really. Remember, I was DATING like I was married so you know what I did RIGHT? 

Yup. Put on the cape. 

Edit: If you read what was here before, I got new information so this part gets this revision... 

I moved it. It BELONGS HERE but I don't want to give it SHINE HERE.. So I'll put it somewhere else. Where it will be seen. 

Read the link. You'll see why. As much spotlight as I'm going to give that time period in this fashion is there. 

These are some of the things that I've learned over the last 10 years: 

No longer will I let it eat me up because of 'boundaries' or 'feelings'. Either you are ready or you aren't. I've already ASSUMED YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL TOO so I can take your past. I have that in me. 

I found out, reaffirmed, learned, practiced MANY MANY MANY THINGS during this last 10 years. Things my parents taught me, I saw for myself or just learned on my own.  Things that were shown to me prior to these 10 years but that I thought I had NO USE FOR EITHER EVER OR ANYMORE. Boy, was my ass wrong... 

Some of these include but aren't limited to: 

I was right in 2009. I went against ALMOST EVERYONE'S wishes AND thoughts on this one. I'd not have been able to take care of my kids the way I am now. Nurturing was natural. The actual WORK needed practice. That was the time I got to practice it. Who knew....

....I knew. That's fucking who. I knew. I don't know EXACTLY how I knew though. Or maybe I did and I don't like admitting that here. It may hurt a bit to admit that here. Well, would you look? I think I just did...

I'll get through it. Period. 

I have enough. Yeah. That. Wanting something is one thing. Needing and having enough is another. I got it. I thought I'd never need that skill again. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. 

I am enough. I thought I wasn't for awhile sitting on that couch. For real. It was REAL. It's what draws me to me people who are down and need love. More on that in a few..

It wasn't my fault. I've had someone try to tell me it was. A few folks actually...  

That's not mine to carry. Since I am drawn to people that need love and may have been through some things, this was something that I needed to revisit. Reaffirm. Learn. Whatever you want to call it. 

That which IS MINE TO CARRY because I'm an active party, pick it up. Carry it until I can't anymore. 

My approach of treating people like they aren't possessions isn't very popular. Apparently, giving people space and freedom is frowned upon. They don't feel loved without feeling possessed. Or at least feeling you want to possess them. I've seen the flip. I believe it is referred to as 'controlling'. Can't win here it seems. 

I can love. This one was tough. I wasn't sure at the VERY BEGINNING. I'm POSITIVE NOW. 

I will get hurt. It happens man. Nothing ventured. Nothing gained. 

I can get back up. I wll get back up.  

I will love again. I don't have to script it out either. 

That VERY DIM light I see at the end, I CAN GET TO IT. 

More people rely on their intuition than I thought. Even when the score is 2-2433433. It's amazing to watch. Especially when it comes to my affairs, which is what we are talking about here. 

Patience. 

Planning works. No planning in 2003 and man. Where would I be. Where would WE BE? Plan people. It's okay. I promise. It works. 

Possessions don't replace people. I never thought they did but some people REALLY thought a car was going to make up for what I've been through. No. I say this as a CAR PERSON. Houses neither. Reaffirmed and can confirm, that they don't. 

I still will miss her. I still will love her. That doesn't mean I can't love and be in love with someone else. I can love, feel the pain & keep on being me. I was told I couldn't. I can. I've DONE IT. Stay confused if you don't get it because you aren't reading to comprehend. 

I don't have long here on this Earth. I've been here a long time. Both are true. 

My sense of understanding and patience are still intact. I've been INCREDIBLY PATIENT and understanding. I've learned that I can't change that just because of a situation. Just remove myself from that situation. 

I'm not perfect. I'm just me. I'm not changing. 

I DO know how to compromise but when compromise looks like CHANGE, I'm just not going to do it. Period. 

YOU CAN'T UNSAY SHIT. YOU CAN'T UNSAY SHIT. Say it with me again..YOU CAN'T UNSAY SHIT.  

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO UNHEAR  IT IN A WAY THOUGH. You do that through forgiveness. As long as you are mentally tough enough to do it AND/OR you learn not to say shit you can't unsay in the future.  It's OKAY if you aren't tough enough though. Just don't expect that shit from anyone else then. I found out that some can't follow any of the rules and seeing as though they all go HAND IN HAND, that's a problem. Which leads me to.. 

....You can't get around it then leave. The end. You'll know when you can't get around it too. It keeps coming back up in situations that it has nothing to do with. You are automatically as mad as you were the day it happened. It's time to leave. I don't make the rules. I just present them. This applies to things I'm involved in where you think I'm wrong too.

My mental health isn't less important than anyone else's. Not my kids. Not my woman's. Not my mama's. My Daddy's. Nobody's. It's important and not just in the time when others feel I'm lacking and they want to point out what they think I should do. I really had to take time out for me. It's ETCHED IN MY DAY NOW THOUGH. Believe that.  Has been since 2014 or so...Before, I couldn't say that I took that time. Sure, I did shit but I wasn't really taking time. You know how I know it's different? It's started to offend people when I take that time. Time I ALWAYS ALLOTTED for others to take. I still allot that time because they deserve it. Not because I don't care or want to be around them.  It's not that I didn't care AT ALL ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH. I was just last most times.

This one. Man. So.. so.. SO... SO...MANY THERAPY words/phrases. None of which are supposed to be used to maim and hurt people's feelings. They are simply to be used to help with MY SITUATION. I learned that people don't get that though. They attend a few sessions and think they have to put everyone else on the couch OR turn their diagnosis into YOURS. It doesn't help that rightful awareness is happening. I learned not to talk about my sessions. Not to put them on others. I'm hesitant to call anyone ANTYHING. I'm not hesitant to point out behavior and leave it at that though. I'm no coward. I just hate the misuse of these words/phrases. Someone not doing what you want doesn't make them... You know the word. OH YOU KNOW THE WORD I'M TALKING ABOUT. It just makes them someone who doesn't do what you ask. You decide whether you want to be around them and that's that. You don't even have to CHANGE WHAT YOU WANT. Ask someone else for it shit. Someone will do it. :) 

Just how many folks DO NOT OR CANNOT ACCEPT A MAN putting his Life on some sort of 'hold' for his kids ALL WHILE COMPLAINING THAT MEN DON'T DO SUCH THINGS. Some of you couldn't decide if you loved me for it, resented for me it if you didn't have such a man in your kid's lives or what to do with it. I don't even mean just romantically. I HEARD all the things you've said or are saying. Any little bump in the road, you have something to say negatively. Anytime I wasn't there RIGHT when you wanted, it was put on them. It's wild. It's also been WORTH IT. I know I gave them everything I had. I rest easy in knowing that. No matter what even they think. When they get their turn, they can improve on things. :) I didn't need this situation to 'understand what women go through' btw. I don't have that kind of lack of empathy and understanding. It's clear as DAY what someone is sacrificing for their kids/how hard it is/when you should be understanding of it. Gender be damned. I figured that shit out when I was 8 years old. Sorry if you didn't. 

Enjoy it. It has a Life Expectancy. Treat whatever it is like it DOES HAVE A LIFE EXPECTANCY. When it's not your turn, it's just not your turn anymore. Period. You gotta let it go & find another one/way/etc. The minute it doesn't look like what it's value and 'brand' says it should look like, that's when you have to prepare to part ways. It's gonna hurt because you wouldn't have invested otherwise if you didn't care. That's okay. I promise. Don't hold on to it too long BUT also have the ability to recognize if it's 'deprciation' is worth the smile it brings to your face in those moments that you can enjoy it. Count how many times it's been there for you and truly see if it's worth it. When it's worth it, IT IS WORTH IT and don't poo poo that. Truly. It's MY CALL THOUGH. That's something I've had to put into play in many situations. 

BOTH AND ALL THINGS CAN BE TRUE. A reason is an excuse if you are on the other side of the issue and vice versa. 

I can't tell people how to feel but I can respond to how they are feeling accordingly. Save the chitchat. Don't argue with them about how they feel. Just act accordingly. That may look like an apology or it may look like removing myself from the situation. Or both. This applies to everyone. My kids included. 

So many times, I've had to do what I needed to do for me DUE TO the situation and let me tell me.. the reactions. Reactions that may VERY WELL BE those other folk's truth too. Even those in the situation. Still. I have to do what I have to do and they do too. All things can and will be true. My only issue here with this is I'm upfront with the information....  

Finally, the one of the most important things I have had to lean on in the last 10 years?

The power of music for ME. Me. Not you. Me. Not for everyone else. For me. Read it again. Don't project. In any way. Just read it. 

MY LOVE FOR MUSIC HAS GOTTEN ME THROUGH. So many songs have you'd THINK would be ruined for me? Nope. What I found out was that I had so many OTHER CORE memories with these songs that not even certain songs conjure up those feelings you think they would. I've always loved music. I just happened to play some songs when she was alive. They were MY SONGS before she came along in '98 and mine long after. Ditto, to any songs in between then and now. 

IT'S MY MUSIC. It belongs to nobody else so NOBODY can ruin a song for me. NOBODY. I love that. Truly as music is my therapy. I'm playing music RIGHT now..(Kenny Loggins- Heart To Heart if you must know..)  Can I use certain songs during times I need it? Yes. The song is still the song though. One I'm always going to enjoy. Then again, I play slow jams when I work out so there's that..lol 

Talk nice to me when you ask/speak to me about being 'healed' or not knowing what 'healed' means? Got it? Good. 

So many more but these stand out in this moment. 

It's been 10 years and I remember sitting in that graveyard thinking:

'How am I going to do THIS ONE?"

This is how. You just do it. You cry along the way. You get things done. You live Life. Then you look up and see...

10 years have gone by... I don't visit that gravesite because she's not really there. My last real time was 2015. Two of my girls can drive. The end. Do what you will with that. 

She's not in our backyard at the old house that is miles away from my current home. She's gone. GONE. GONE. I'm allowed to go though. I know I am. It's just not for me to do personally. 

You have NO days you don't think about her with human beings running around your house looking and acting like her. That you made with her. That just doesn't happen. You don't 'dwell' on it though. Everything doesn't revolve around it and there are DAYS when it's not even spoken. 

Then, some days, it's hard. That's it. You DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON OTHERS though. That's not what we do over here. We might need a minute but 9.995 times outta ten, we took that moment and BEEN moved on long before you know it. That could be a problem for someone who needs to be someone's everything I suppose. I get that. 

I had a timetable set in my head for a few things. Some have happened. Some got derailed because Life isn't perfect. I can think of two in particular that actually are the polar opposite of each other. 

Ironically enough, they both are still on the table. Funny how that works out. Life is going to Life and after 10 years, I'm still here. I just might make it to 'me time'.....correction.. FULL TIME 'ME' time... 

Or maybe this was what I was put here to do... Only one way to find out. 

To keep going.. 

Miss ya kid. Hope you found your peace. 

I know you've LAUGHED your ass off,  YELLED FOR YOUR BABIES when they've done well, SHOOK YOUR HEAD IN DISGUST, gotten choked up and all of things in between watching me do this. Trust me. Just like you would if you were here. 

Truly believe you sent some Hell my way too, knowing I'd be fine. I mean I thought I followed the rules. @ no Spanish ladies/our talks in the past. I think I know what rule I broke though.. My bad. I taught you that & here you are returning the favor... I see you. 

Love you.**

* Life IS LIFING is my way saying it was happening and it was bad. LIKE IT DOES FOR EVERYONE SOMETIMES. I know y'all know. We all have had our moments where it's like 'Shit... WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN MAN? 

**Dear whomever,

This is public. You didn't 'discover it' or 'find it". Nobody is 'hiding'. It's PURPOSEFULLY written out to be SEEN. Know that. I don't care WHO SEES IT. Seriously. I want it to be seen. There are SO MANY CLUES IN THE DAMN BLOG TITLE THAT GIVE AWAY WHOSE BLOG THIS IS. Don't be cute & try to act like you sussed some shit out. You didn't. 

Any person who is interested in me in THAT WAY: This is it. I KNOW I warned you about how honest I am. Hopefully, you are this honest with me. I do not nor have I ever done LIP SERVICE. I do things this way. Read the dates. You can see this isn't new. 

If I have"sent" you here, this is where I see if you really want the honesty that you claim you seek OR you love to read. 

We ALL LOVE TO SAY WE WANT HONESTY. Here it is. Are you about it or no? Send me to your stuff. Tell me all about your past. Let me know what I'm getting into. Please. I welcome it. Also, know if I 'send you here', it's probably because you've questioned me & I want you to have a better picture. It's not to 'destroy you' or be mean. I'm giving you the clarity you seek. Embrace it. She's a part of what happened. I'd hope that me showing that I'm capable of loving someone else would be a plus. I don't 'yearn for her' because she IS GONE. She ain't coming back. I didn't need 10 years to realize that. I realized that that day I put her in the ground. Hell, the day I PICKED HER UP OFF THE GROUND when I found her dead. 

Guess who is still here though?

Me. 

The person you are interested in.

I'm still here. 

You aren't competing with her. At all. Not on some cute shit either. 

It's YOUR TURN. 

Just like it is MY TURN in your life. 

The Latter: I hope you got the clarity and enjoyment you sought. :) 

Read More

(Words) This first of 'Firsts' X Jane would have been 35 years old today X Happy Birthday

I'm not even gonna sit here and PRETEND that we had 'all out bashes' for her birthday. We didn't. IF she even took off work that day, she would maybe go lay out in the backyard, sleep in a little bit, go to the spa or something like that during the day..

WHAT WE DID DO was have cake made by her sister. If you know me in real life, then you KNOW ALL ABOUT MEL MEL and her 'Ace of Cake' (That's what I have dubbed them) type joints. We would, of course, EAT WHATEVER Jane wanted that day for dinner and IF she felt inclined to eat breakfast, I would COOK whatever she wanted....how she wanted and bring it to her.

Of course when Jane and I were 'younger', we would GO OUT and do what young adults do. Dance and party. She did that with her girls at some point around her birthday as well. That's pretty much it. Probably pretty typical stuff that most folks do on or around their birthday if they celebrate it...


.....now that I've gotten all of that out of the way for you folks who were privy to a sliver of our life and would be saying in the back of your head 'He's acting like they used to do.....XYZ' we can get down to the business of the post. Or rather I can.

I always used to tell her that while today (June 24th) was the day she was 'born' and it was 'her' day, I much rather prefer to spread the love and affection out over the course of the year. That's why I could 'step aside' if she wanted to go out with her friends for 'one night' or could take the 'kids' while she went out and did whatever made her feel special on her day. 'Cause I was going to show it the other 364.... 

That is what I am mourning today. The fact that I can't 'celebrate' another year with her on the face of the Earth for another 364. Of course, during that time, there are days when 'no celebrating' went on as we weren't 'perfect' so don't take the words 'literally' in that sense. Just take them to mean that if I felt like doing something special, I didn't wait until Christmas, Valentine's Day, HER BIRTHDAY to do it. I just did it. Whenever I felt like it. 

I can't do that now. The day is important to me..don't get me wrong.. it is. It is just that it drives home the point that she won't be around the days after.... The days that I liked to take to show her that she was pretty damm special. That's all... 

My kids, who are well...kids... DO RECOGNIZE these days with GREAT REVERENCE so I feel bad for them as they are still in the infantile stages of learning what is like to show someone they love them consistently. They take these days as the pinnacle of that love so for them not to be able to show their mother that love in the physical is no fun. 

This 'first time', even with the words I typed up top, is cumulative in that without THIS DAY, none of the other 'firsts' happen. Understand that I know that without it.... 

No birth, no wedding. 

No birth, no holidays. No kids. No BIRTHDAYS FOR THEM. 

No birth, no 'regular' days that I loved the most. 

So even within my love of the regular days that I shared with her, I will take the time to give this day its just due.* I will reflect, as many of you who knew her will, on different times and memories. 

I guess this is the time where I'm supposed to hit y'all with words 'cherish', 'tell folks you love 'em' and all of those other nice cliches. Something tells me that I won't have to wrap them up in a sentence for those of you reading this time... 

Very thankful that I played 'Paparazzi' Jane,  as you used to call me. Lotta memories captured. Thank you for allowing me to show you what I always 'saw' in you and for accepting it as my way of saying certain things. For accepting me for me. For allowing me to love you for you. We both learned that from each other. Thank you for that. 

Without you, I wouldn't know some other great folks too and together we share a LIFETIME of memories of you. 

Definitely left me with some blessings in regards to the kids. Thank you for helping from the start in raising all of three of them. Lots of sacrifices. You made me promise to make them 'better' than both of us and I will. Thank you for backing me in the creed of being 'their parents' FIRST and maybe....just maybe their friend a little later. That other promise you made me make in regards to the middle child in particular? Done. Actually, all the promises you made me make in regards to each one individually? Done as well. We spoke about letting one 'go' but staying in the wings and that has happened. The other one is RIGHT ON COURSE... I got you Juana. Thank you for giving her to me in the first place. :) Just wish you were here to enjoy her. She's everything we said she was gonna be when she came out of the womb.... 



Happy birthday Jane. Miss you. Love you. 



*And will do so for the other folks I've lost... 

Read More

(Words) Two days a Week..... The hour... It just might be working....

Two days a week, I take my middle child to have a little 'time' with someone. I sign her in.... the lady comes out and asks us how things are and off she goes.


Don't think I haven't NOT CRIED one time.

She shouldn't have to do this but yet SHE SHOULDN'T NOT HAVE THE RESOURCES OR THE PARENT WHO WILL MAKE SURE SHE DOES.

That look on her face. I hate it. It is almost as if to say. "Ummm... I'm doing good and yet you bring me here to REMIND me of what I am trying to forget..."

My dearest Middle child,

All I can say is simply this. You need the time. You will thank me later. 


*turns back to the camera* 

For that hour that she is there, it takes ME BACK TO NOVEMBER 19TH, 2012. Every time. 

Sometimes, I remember November 17th, 2012 and I can at least start out smiling. That was a dope day. In hindsight, I can see CLEARLY how she MADE SURE IT WAS A DOPE DAY. @ her actions. For everyone. 

Even with that memory, I'm always taken back to waking at 7:50 am. That 'empty' feeling. She wasn't in the bed. I still have that bed. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Probably gonna be a bone of contention one day 'if' I ever let anybody get THAT CLOSE again. Might be a deal breaker. *shrugs* Fuck it, my heart is already broke anyway so.... I can still see her laying there. Clearly. Vividly. 

Funny thing is I don't hold any resentment towards guns or folks who have them. Hell, it was mine after all that..... So movies with them when they are NOT used for that purpose don't bother me. 

I will say that anything remotely close to the subject of depression or suicide resonates with me in a way that I can't ever see shaking. No matter how many couches I sit on... how many blog posts I write. I've had more talks with more folks who have revealed that they too suffer that I've lost count. 

I FELT FOR EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I truly have. I haven't grown 'tired' of hearing about it. I know they are merely expressing themselves in a way that for the vast majority of them, they could NEVER DO 'cause they felt no around them would EVEN GET IT. 

I get it. 

I wish she would have known that others would have gotten it too... 'Cause she didn't know that. Just like with the loss of her parents.. the WAY she lost her parents... she felt so alone. 

How do I know that she felt alone? I gotta be guessing on that one right? No.

I heard her say it. All I could do was hold her. Or leave her to her thoughts sometimes early on when I didn't know what to do myself. After awhile, it came to the point that she didn't have to say it. She would just look at me and I would know. 

Those looks. That hour... For that hour my little girl is in there, I see tons of folks. Hear tons of arguing with people coming in. I've seen folks bringing their kids in and pretty much saying 'This is bullshit.. There's nothing wrong with you..I'm only doing this because I was mandated to do it.." 

I've seen adults told the same thing. I've seen the products of other broken up homes where the grandmother is taking her 'scantily clad' granddaughter to therapy and listened to her pray in the corner for SOMEONE TO HELP HER 'CAUSE SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HER. I don't know her 'story' but I know enough to know her parents are gone she is all she has. (Older folks don't whisper on the phone and my bluetooth was shot so.. yeah... I heard it.) 

My poor little girls..all of them.... I put up a video of her singing a song earlier today on Mobli.. It was just last year. That innocence I saw in her face is GONE. This has taken that away from her. 

All I can think about is how someone stole that innocence away from my wife... For that whole hour... for those two days... 

Now for some of you it 'makes no sense as to why I am 'dwelling' on things. I mean after all I know you know it has been a short time period but for the vast majority of you there hasn't been an event this tragic. So 'getting over things' and moving on is...well... quite simple. So this might seem like dwelling to you. Let me clear it up for you.

It isn't. 

See, I just got to this point. I've had quite a few other things that needed my immediate attention SO I KINDA HAD TO SKIP OVER THIS PART OF IT. Not only that, it is happening TO ME. So even if I 'deal with it', I might have to 'come back to it' @ whatever 'part of this situation I'm in'. So I am sorry if I am not 'where you want me to be' or that if you dealt with this part of it already. 

I'm not through with dealing with it. 


I'm gonna address something else here. It is the way I do things so if you don't 'get it' or it isn't clear enough for you to 'understand' then it must not be for you to 'understand'. It is really that simple. 

The truth. I deal in it. Every day. You are going to have to learn to accept that about me. I've learned to tell the truth even when I honestly probably should be 'lying'. That's how real with it I'm coming. 

Don't ask me questions you don't want answers to or that you already know the answers to. 

If I tell you I am feeling a certain way, believe it. 

If I answer your question, don't act like I didn't and try to 'read into the answer'. I am pretty succinct and definitely crystal clear. 

If you offer up help in ANY CAPACITY and I even LISTEN to what you have to say, consider yourself lucky. I don't even entertain 'help' offers from folks I either don't think can help or offers about things that I think won't help. Period. Speaking of that..

I can't stress this enough. I hear ALL OF Y'ALLS SUGGESTIONS. 

There are only 24 hours in a day. Regular things have to happen too in addition to the things that are 'needed' to supplement things due to the situation. Everyone has a routine and their allotted time. Can't really deviate from that...  

In English, I can't do all OF THE SHIT SOME OF YOU ARE SUGGESTING. Period. It isn't that they aren't 'good suggestions'. They are. Some of them just can't happen right now and ANYTHING that involves them, I'M GONNA BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED. So 'coming to get them to take them' without me first SEEING, WATCHING, HEARING...ETC... is not going to happen. No matter who you are. 

So.... That's about as nice as I can say it. Sorry.....


Oldest one is playing soccer. She played GREAT THE OTHER DAY!! Never played soccer in her LIFE outside of in the yard. She played stopper and striker. She didn't allow advancement on her side and SHE GOT AN ASSIST!!! She has a game today and you KNOW WE WILL BE IN THE RAIN SCREAMING FOR HER! 

Youngest one has all MPs on her report card! She is officially going to the 1st grade no MATTER what she does in the last marking period. (Not like she is gonna fall off. I won't let her! lol) 

...this just in at 2:41 pm 4/12/13... the middle one just handed me her report card. 

She has a 3.84...All honors classes..

..she is GEEKED. 

So is her Father. :) Mood changer!!!! She just told me she thinks therapy is helping her even more.. (She had a 3.6 last marking period.) 

THE. BEST. NEWS. EVER... 

Gotta roll. See what I can go do special for this little girl. 

It is even sweeter 'cause SHE IS HAPPY. I didn't mandate some crazy gpa. Just at least a 3.0. The girl almost got a 4. Had she not switched schools and got there late, she would have had a 4.0. 

She just spoke of getting it but not in an unhealthy way. She is super excited about her 3.8.

I'm gonna LET HER BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not my Father. I'm not Melissa's Father. I am ME. My own Father always told me..

"Be a better Father than me..." and he was a GREAT DAD..Not perfect but that is what made him great. He knew it. He acknowledged it. We moved on and all was right before he left me here on Earth.. I'm trying..

And my little girl JUST MADE ME PROUD. 

This was JUST THE THING I NEEDED TO HEAR. I'm gonna think about this TOO when those two days come up. When that hour ends.. 

This is how I want it to be always so OFF TO THAT HOUR we will go... 

I'm out. 

Read More

See....trying to be like those dudes on JackAss and them willl have you like this..video.

Kid hand rides escalator and goes to sleep......

Read More

For everybody who STILL doesn't get why T.I. was given the chance he was..Stuff like this.

Now let me preface it by saying that he is not the ONLY ONE who gives back to his community. By no means. He is not the only ONE WITH A CRIMINAL RECORD, giving back to his community. Not in his hood, county, state or country. What I am SAYING is that he can give like this twenty times over, NOT HAVE IT FILMED (as he has done), STILL KEEP GIVING and bring back more positive things back to not only HIS COMMUNITY BUT WORLDWIDE. Over and over and over again. I guess if he was only doing this 'after' the sentencing/conviction, there would be some validity to the 'backlash'. He has been doing it the WHOLE TIME. From Nu Finish on back....Giving mortgage free homes AWAY to needing family. Not just turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. Whole houses. Not just Toys for Tots on Christmas Day. So I don't buy the whole 'he is only doing it because of that sentencing' logic.

What I am hoping is that some of you that I know will get even HALFWAY to where he is at staturewise so that some of the things in the past can be overshadowed by what you have done. I truly do. Some of you I am even helping so that it can HAPPEN. Then if (Hopefully it doesn't...) something DOES HAPPEN, you will be able to say what you have done. What you have given back. What you DO BRING TO THE TABLE IN A POSITIVE WAY. Not on some excuse shit either. More like on some 'I may not have always been 'right' but I always cared about XYZ so this is what I have done to support that...' Never know when that kind of good thinking may come back to help YOU.

Read More

Delaware among the first to receive Race To the Top Grant

Along with the state of Tennessee, Delaware has been awarded the grant first. So it APPEARS help will be on the way as far as resources for schools and such. I SINCERELY HOPE that this money is used correctly! Read more at the bottom.


Link

U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced today that Delaware and Tennessee have won grants in the first phase of the Race to the Top competition.

"We received many strong proposals from states all across America, but two applications stood out above all others: Delaware and Tennessee," Duncan said in announcing the winners. "Both states have statewide buy-in for comprehensive plans to reform their schools. They have written new laws to support their policies. And they have demonstrated the courage, capacity, and commitment to turn their ideas into practices that can improve outcomes for students."

Delaware will receive approximately $100 million and Tennessee $500 million to implement their comprehensive school reform plans over the next four years. As with any federal grant program, budgets will be finalized after discussions between the grantees and the Department, and the money will be distributed over time as the grantees meet established benchmarks.

The U.S. Department of Education will have about $3.4 billion available for the second phase of the Race to the Top competition.

"We set a very high bar for the first phase," Duncan said. "With $3.4 billion still available, we're providing plenty of opportunity for all other states to develop plans and aggressively pursue reform."

The $4.35 billion Race to the Top Fund is an unprecedented federal investment in reform. The program includes $4 billion for statewide reform grants and $350 million to support states working together to improve the quality of their assessments. The Race to the Top state competition is designed to reward states that are leading the way in comprehensive, coherent, statewide education reform across four key areas:

* Adopting standards and assessments that prepare students to succeed in college and the workplace;
* Building data systems that measure student growth and success, and inform teachers and principals how to improve instruction;
* Recruiting, developing, rewarding, and retaining effective teachers and principals, especially where they are needed most; and
* Turning around their lowest-performing schools.

Forty states and the District of Columbia submitted applications for the first phase of grants. Delaware and Tennessee were selected from among 16 finalists who presented their proposals to panels of peer reviewers earlier this month.

The peer reviewers awarded the highest scores to Delaware and Tennessee. They awarded Delaware and Tennessee high marks for the commitment to reform from key stakeholders, including elected officials, teacher's union leaders, and business leaders. In both states, all school districts committed to implementing Race to the Top reforms. Delaware and Tennessee also have aggressive plans to improve teacher and principal evaluation, use data to inform instructional decisions, and turn around their lowest-performing schools. In addition, both states have put in place strong laws and policies to support their reform efforts.

Applications for Phase 2 of Race to the Top are due on June 1, 2010. To help states as they prepare their proposals and to continue the nationwide dialogue on education reform, the Department of Education has made all Phase 1 applications, peer reviewers' comments, and scores available on its website; videos of states' presentations will be posted next week.

The Department is making one change to the rules for the Phase 2 competition. To fund as many strong applications as possible, the Department of Education is requiring states' budgets to be within the ranges that were suggested in the original notice. Details are available on the Department's Web site and will appear in the Federal Register later this week.

Read More

If you have a kid,girl or boy you BETTER EDUCATE 'EM on cellphone rules and principles.

Now we (the adults) can all keep it one hundred for a second and admit that if we own a cell with a camera, we have 'used it for adult activities'. Making a nice lil video, some teasing photos and for some just some straight forward nudes. So if you have some kids, that CAME FROM YOU, you have GOT TO KNOW THAT AT SOME POINT THE CHILD IS PROBABLY AT LEAST GOING TO THINK ABOUT DOING THE SAME. Now I know some of you are opposed to teens having cells and all so I am not talking to you. I am talking to those of you whose child has a cell. Yes, even the ones with the 'nerdy' kids. I am talking to you. I am in that number too as my oldest has one. Shit is getting real now. Not because 'kids nowadays are sending pics'. No. Shit like that BEEN HAPPENING. Maybe not on 'phones' like that but as Polaroids, videos, and the like. So the actually 'nude' part ain't new. It is just now it is 'instant' and able to be sent world wide in seconds. That's it. So for those of you who weren't 'in the crowd', this isn't new. So don't blame the kids per say or say they are getting worse. They are not. The technology is what the issue is. Which is why we have to educate them. Show them what could happen. Use news like what happened in Northeastern PA as an example.




http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102386952&ft=1&f=1012








They are threatening to not only go after this girl's parents but her too. They are going start charging our kids and putting those labels that THE LOT OF YOU LOVE TO CLOWN AND GIVE OUT L'S TO ADULTS. That sex offender tag. Shit won't be funny then now will it? When it is your kid hemmed the fuck up over some childish antics you gonna give yourself the"L"? Clown yourself? Shoot yourself? The kid? Yeah, that's what the fuck I thought. You ain't gonna do that. You will see the shit is real. So having said that, teach your kids. Don't give your kids some shit that YOU KNOW can be harmful without guidance, some ground rules and some tough love. Limit that shit. Monitor the hours it can be used. Who it is being used to contact. If you can, get online and CHECK THEIR TEXTS. Pic messages. Know who your kids are talking to. Make it clear what can happen to them if they break the law like this little girl did and gets caught. Everyone parents are not going to keep it between them. They are gonna go to the cops and then no doubt be on that Jay Cutler (I didn't mean it to go this far...) after they start charging people. But by then, it will be TOO LATE. The authorities will be involved and someone will probably get charged.


Just passing it along. That goes for the girls and the boys. Talk to all of 'em. I would also implore you to remember that they are kids. If you do 'catch them' doing some shit, REMEMBER THAT. The cops and the law won't. They don't give a shit about your kid personally. Maybe about kids as a whole to some extent but NOT YOUR KID. All you are gonna get is a 'we are sorry but..." from them. Just like they do when you are an adult. Do you want that for you kids? I don't for mine.


Obviously though, it isn't just the kids now is it?


http://www.thedailyjournal.com/article/20090404/NEWS01/904040306


This one baffles me though. Don't get me wrong, I KNOW SHE DID IT so that is not why I am baffled. I am baffled 'cause she is a woman and ya'll do the choosing. So you mean to tell me she couldn't find a willing adult to exchange pics with? I mean, I know people like the scraggly, skinny jeans wearing look and all but damm. @ picking a lil kid as your target. She couldn't find a man to give it to? I mean, even the 'UGLIEST' GIRLS I KNOW CAN GET DICK so yeah, I am baffled. Same with the blonde in Florida. I don't really 'get it'. Might not be for me to get I guess. I REALLY want her to say what got into her. She is 23. So that means she is 'college age'. Plenty of dick running around for her to trap...I mean get. Why the student? She wanted to be 'his first'? Manipulation? Is the student/teacher fantasy not as one sided as we thought? @ only males thinking that. What is it? I know many of you will give a dismissive wave and just say she is 'fucked up' end of story but if she was that fucked up, wouldn't she have done this before? Hell, that brings up another question. HAS SHE DONE IT BEFORE? Are they gonna look into if she has like they would a dude if he did this shit? Questions, questions, questions. I have 'em. Too bad her lawyer will never let her answer 'em unless it involves a book deal and a seven figure check. Sad though. Can't even send the young teacher who is a female into the school without them succumbing to temptation too. Yikes. Again, BLESS THOSE THAT TEACH and have good sense not to be engaging with their students.

Read More