Aunties..Uncle..people who've existed since you have...

 

The post above from my Facebook says it all. This is where I am with that one. Even the ones I don't always see eye to eye with hold a special place in my heart. It just so happens that one of the ones I DO LOVE DEARLY looks to be embarking on that final straightaway soon. 

It's been a pleasure Uncle. You and my Pop Pop were the ones who showed me what kindness and patience looked like in a man. My Father cared so let's not get that all misconstrued.He often cited THESE TWO as his guide in that area. Which I thought was an awesome display of showing how to seek help from others. 

Praying for my cousins ast they wait. Praying for the same restraint I asked for during mine and anybody else's time of need. I have some STORIES about death and family and they all don't include me being in the center per say when it comes to my family and others. I know the history of how folks act very well so I'm praying for a 'peaceful' time. 

You see, I DO HAVE AN INNER CHILD. He just doesn't get to rule me ultimately. He DOES get to feel though. He's allowed that. He allows has been able to. He can't make decisions solely in my adult Life though. We have to live in the reality that is Life. 

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(Words) Two days a Week..... The hour... It just might be working....

Two days a week, I take my middle child to have a little 'time' with someone. I sign her in.... the lady comes out and asks us how things are and off she goes.


Don't think I haven't NOT CRIED one time.

She shouldn't have to do this but yet SHE SHOULDN'T NOT HAVE THE RESOURCES OR THE PARENT WHO WILL MAKE SURE SHE DOES.

That look on her face. I hate it. It is almost as if to say. "Ummm... I'm doing good and yet you bring me here to REMIND me of what I am trying to forget..."

My dearest Middle child,

All I can say is simply this. You need the time. You will thank me later. 


*turns back to the camera* 

For that hour that she is there, it takes ME BACK TO NOVEMBER 19TH, 2012. Every time. 

Sometimes, I remember November 17th, 2012 and I can at least start out smiling. That was a dope day. In hindsight, I can see CLEARLY how she MADE SURE IT WAS A DOPE DAY. @ her actions. For everyone. 

Even with that memory, I'm always taken back to waking at 7:50 am. That 'empty' feeling. She wasn't in the bed. I still have that bed. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Probably gonna be a bone of contention one day 'if' I ever let anybody get THAT CLOSE again. Might be a deal breaker. *shrugs* Fuck it, my heart is already broke anyway so.... I can still see her laying there. Clearly. Vividly. 

Funny thing is I don't hold any resentment towards guns or folks who have them. Hell, it was mine after all that..... So movies with them when they are NOT used for that purpose don't bother me. 

I will say that anything remotely close to the subject of depression or suicide resonates with me in a way that I can't ever see shaking. No matter how many couches I sit on... how many blog posts I write. I've had more talks with more folks who have revealed that they too suffer that I've lost count. 

I FELT FOR EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I truly have. I haven't grown 'tired' of hearing about it. I know they are merely expressing themselves in a way that for the vast majority of them, they could NEVER DO 'cause they felt no around them would EVEN GET IT. 

I get it. 

I wish she would have known that others would have gotten it too... 'Cause she didn't know that. Just like with the loss of her parents.. the WAY she lost her parents... she felt so alone. 

How do I know that she felt alone? I gotta be guessing on that one right? No.

I heard her say it. All I could do was hold her. Or leave her to her thoughts sometimes early on when I didn't know what to do myself. After awhile, it came to the point that she didn't have to say it. She would just look at me and I would know. 

Those looks. That hour... For that hour my little girl is in there, I see tons of folks. Hear tons of arguing with people coming in. I've seen folks bringing their kids in and pretty much saying 'This is bullshit.. There's nothing wrong with you..I'm only doing this because I was mandated to do it.." 

I've seen adults told the same thing. I've seen the products of other broken up homes where the grandmother is taking her 'scantily clad' granddaughter to therapy and listened to her pray in the corner for SOMEONE TO HELP HER 'CAUSE SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HER. I don't know her 'story' but I know enough to know her parents are gone she is all she has. (Older folks don't whisper on the phone and my bluetooth was shot so.. yeah... I heard it.) 

My poor little girls..all of them.... I put up a video of her singing a song earlier today on Mobli.. It was just last year. That innocence I saw in her face is GONE. This has taken that away from her. 

All I can think about is how someone stole that innocence away from my wife... For that whole hour... for those two days... 

Now for some of you it 'makes no sense as to why I am 'dwelling' on things. I mean after all I know you know it has been a short time period but for the vast majority of you there hasn't been an event this tragic. So 'getting over things' and moving on is...well... quite simple. So this might seem like dwelling to you. Let me clear it up for you.

It isn't. 

See, I just got to this point. I've had quite a few other things that needed my immediate attention SO I KINDA HAD TO SKIP OVER THIS PART OF IT. Not only that, it is happening TO ME. So even if I 'deal with it', I might have to 'come back to it' @ whatever 'part of this situation I'm in'. So I am sorry if I am not 'where you want me to be' or that if you dealt with this part of it already. 

I'm not through with dealing with it. 


I'm gonna address something else here. It is the way I do things so if you don't 'get it' or it isn't clear enough for you to 'understand' then it must not be for you to 'understand'. It is really that simple. 

The truth. I deal in it. Every day. You are going to have to learn to accept that about me. I've learned to tell the truth even when I honestly probably should be 'lying'. That's how real with it I'm coming. 

Don't ask me questions you don't want answers to or that you already know the answers to. 

If I tell you I am feeling a certain way, believe it. 

If I answer your question, don't act like I didn't and try to 'read into the answer'. I am pretty succinct and definitely crystal clear. 

If you offer up help in ANY CAPACITY and I even LISTEN to what you have to say, consider yourself lucky. I don't even entertain 'help' offers from folks I either don't think can help or offers about things that I think won't help. Period. Speaking of that..

I can't stress this enough. I hear ALL OF Y'ALLS SUGGESTIONS. 

There are only 24 hours in a day. Regular things have to happen too in addition to the things that are 'needed' to supplement things due to the situation. Everyone has a routine and their allotted time. Can't really deviate from that...  

In English, I can't do all OF THE SHIT SOME OF YOU ARE SUGGESTING. Period. It isn't that they aren't 'good suggestions'. They are. Some of them just can't happen right now and ANYTHING that involves them, I'M GONNA BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED. So 'coming to get them to take them' without me first SEEING, WATCHING, HEARING...ETC... is not going to happen. No matter who you are. 

So.... That's about as nice as I can say it. Sorry.....


Oldest one is playing soccer. She played GREAT THE OTHER DAY!! Never played soccer in her LIFE outside of in the yard. She played stopper and striker. She didn't allow advancement on her side and SHE GOT AN ASSIST!!! She has a game today and you KNOW WE WILL BE IN THE RAIN SCREAMING FOR HER! 

Youngest one has all MPs on her report card! She is officially going to the 1st grade no MATTER what she does in the last marking period. (Not like she is gonna fall off. I won't let her! lol) 

...this just in at 2:41 pm 4/12/13... the middle one just handed me her report card. 

She has a 3.84...All honors classes..

..she is GEEKED. 

So is her Father. :) Mood changer!!!! She just told me she thinks therapy is helping her even more.. (She had a 3.6 last marking period.) 

THE. BEST. NEWS. EVER... 

Gotta roll. See what I can go do special for this little girl. 

It is even sweeter 'cause SHE IS HAPPY. I didn't mandate some crazy gpa. Just at least a 3.0. The girl almost got a 4. Had she not switched schools and got there late, she would have had a 4.0. 

She just spoke of getting it but not in an unhealthy way. She is super excited about her 3.8.

I'm gonna LET HER BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not my Father. I'm not Melissa's Father. I am ME. My own Father always told me..

"Be a better Father than me..." and he was a GREAT DAD..Not perfect but that is what made him great. He knew it. He acknowledged it. We moved on and all was right before he left me here on Earth.. I'm trying..

And my little girl JUST MADE ME PROUD. 

This was JUST THE THING I NEEDED TO HEAR. I'm gonna think about this TOO when those two days come up. When that hour ends.. 

This is how I want it to be always so OFF TO THAT HOUR we will go... 

I'm out. 

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(Words) Reconciling, moving forward. Never forgetting....

I always assume that those who have passed on to the 'other side' have this sort of 'view finder' that allows them to either see the future, see the past or both. I am also a firm believer that those same folks probably get some sort of leeway in having a hand in things. That said, I know that if my now deceased wife has ANY SAY where she is at, the things that have transpired since her death, while not a DIRECT result of her, were influenced by whatever say she may have.

I'm going to be pretty vague, at least in my opinion, about the 'details' of some of those things. Others, I just won't flat out discuss. Either way, what I"m about to write is yet another chapter in my life after the death of my spouse. I know some of you have been praying every day and I thank you for that. Truly. We need it. Still need it. Still more trying days ahead. Every day is a hurdle and sometimes we graze the hurdle. Other times we run through it. There are days when we straight CLEAR THE HURDLE with perfect form. Those days are few and far between though. We are healing though.

I found a letter from her that she left with her wedding dress. Didn't find it until the other week. No, I'm not publishing the letter. What I can tell you is that it spelled out everything that I've been trying to tell folks from day one of this tragedy. I feel vindicated in a major way. That weight lifted off of my shoulders was huge. I mean, I WAS THERE but when you are one of the few that were and the MAIN PERSON is no longer here to give validity or credence to your version of the events, it is hard. Those who 'weren't there' have a hard time grasping. That note clears all of that up though. I read it to those who needed to see it. Children were addressed in it. They got their 'closure' in that sense. It was already closed for me in that sense so I am glad that they got that.

I have often been told by many that my children are going to need 'help' dealing with the situation. I'd like to take the time to reassure folks that I am DOING THAT. Not 'gonna' do. Not fixing to do. Doing. I would also like to point out that I KNOW THEY NEED IT. Melissa didn't get that. I'm of the belief that had she gotten it, she would still be here. I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT. It is WHAT HELPS ME GET MY KIDS HELP AS THEY FACE THE SAME MOTHERLESS LIFE THAT SHE HAD TO WALK THROUGH. I've seen the movie. I'm NOT trying to have my kids star in the trilogy. Nope. So yes, steps have been taken. Steps will CONTINUE TO BE TAKEN. I'm going to take a few of those 'steps' myself.

Her death, for those of you who don't know, happen IN OUR RESIDENCE. We've stayed in our home because well........IT IS OUR HOME. Nothing diminished that. It was a SOOTHING thing believe it or not for us. It took time for my kids to see that but they got that out of that. Anytime they wanted to say 'Hey Mommy', they could stand RIGHT WHERE SHE DREW HER LAST BREATH and say that. We are going to miss that. I thought I was going to feel like I was 'leaving her behind' when I walked out of that house with our belongings. I thought I was tearing down a foundation.

I wasn't. I was merely moving the foundation to a sturdier place. I've NEVER FELT MORE SURE ABOUT SOMETHING BEING THE RIGHT THING IN MY LIFE. I've also never felt so sure about HOW I WENT AND TOOK MY TIME AND MADE IT HAPPEN ON MY TIME PERIOD. Not on everyone else's. Not when my Momma thought I should do it. Not when my friends thought I should do it. Strangers. Counselors. Doctors.

When I wanted to. When I was ready. When I could reconcile with the decision and take her clothes and belongings that I didn't want everyone privy to and dispose of. When I could stand there in that spot where she took her breath, take the spiritual presence and 'carrying it to the new place' with me.

When I FELT LIKE I WASN'T LEAVING HER.

She is HERE. At this new place with me. I can FEEL HER. I can feel her putting people in my Life to take the place of the things she has done. I can feel her giving those folks the power and permission to do what she would have done for me. Make no mistake about it either. Folks have commended me for 'all I did for her' but she did PLENTY FOR ME. Things that you can't put a monetary value on. She has given those tasks to several people and I am accepting of those folks giving it to me. I'M STILL SINGLE btw. I HAVE TO SAY that 'cause folks get to 'wondering'.. When I'm not, you will be the 'second' to know. :) I have a LOT OF WONDERFUL FRIENDS that are helping me out though and believe or not, they are not all FEMALE and if they are, they aren't 'like that'. Yeesh. @ the speculation. lol (I'm smiling as I type this. That means YOU SHOULD BE SMILING TOO AS YOU READ IT. I'm not mad.. I hate that I have to type that out but tone is hard to convey when you AREN'T MAD in text so....Here we are..)


I prayed for signs that accepting help was okay and she answered EACH AND EVERY ONE with the cue I was looking for. Be specific when you pray people. That's all I can say. I should say God provided that by the way. I know that. I also know that right now HE KNOWS I am in a way that I have to see it coming from her in order to heal. I know he is ULTIMATELY behind all though. Trust me. That said, I have 'human' feelings that I have to reconcile with that make me struggle with accepting help. I"m working on! I'm also working to be even MORE EFFICIENT than I was before in my time and such. Again, if you don't have kids, you probably don't know how much time you truly waste..lol I have them and thought I was being pretty efficient and I was. I'm even MORE SO now though.

My Father is here with me too. He groomed me to be a man but he knew that the 'traditional sense of it' alone would NOT CUT IT. So he showed me who a 'man' acts and that it wasn't all about this macho bs that we are bombarded with. A man takes care of his children. He takes care of his HOUSE no matter WHAT HE HAS TO DO. If it is cleaning, he does that. If it is cooking, HE DOES THAT. He doesn't 'wait for his woman' to do it or 'do it out of spite to undermine his woman' in that way. He does it out of love and respect. He doesn't 'hold his woman back'. He lets her flourish. He also knows how to FLOURISH ON HIS OWN TOO. Never forgot that. This is was ALWAYS MY SHIP. She told me that and HE SHOWED ME HOW TO DRIVE IT SOLO IF I NEEDED TO DO SO. All I have to do is fall back on the teachings he gave me.

I have.

Today, I will continue to 'pass down' my Father's (and my Mother's..can't forget her. She helped me too but she is still here so maybe that's why I don't mention her as much.) teachings through one of my kids. He is my 'son'. Biologically? Naw. Spiritually and naturally though? Yes. I've raised him since he was 3 months old. My wife ADORED HIM. Used to love taking him EVERYWHERE WE WENT. He was like our accounting practice set for those of you who took accounting only he was LIVE AND IN THE FLESH. Some 18 years later, he is about to graduate. If you follow me on Instagram, you saw me post about his last game at St. Marks. I'm not here to judge his Dad so this is the ONLY MENTION I WILL MAKE OF HIM. I just knew that boy needed a Father. I knew my 'life lessons' wouldn't be wasted because I had someone I could pass them onto to. He has not disappointed me. He is a fine young man. Gonna make someone a nice addition to whatever family has him. Basketball family. Spiritual/friendship family. A FAMILY family.. if you know what I mean. Doesn't matter.  I'm not the only one thankfully who saw that he needed a Father so he has SEVERAL OF THOSE FIGURES IN HIS LIFE. I'm here to finish off that job for him. Home stretch for the kid and despite my situation, I'm STILL HERE FOR THAT BOY. Just like Melissa Jane would have wanted. Just like I WANT TO be.

You see, some of you go to the building they cal 'Church' (Feel free to insert the name of whatever your religion calls it here)  and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I have always done my work among the people. This is no exception. I just hope that I'm around long enough to see him, his first cousin by BLOOD who is my oldest daughter and my other daughters live out and do the things that Life brings for them for a good length of time.

One step and a time y'all. Sometimes I still stand still when I can't take that step. Always head forward though.

We are working with it. Playing the hand that we were dealt.

'Till next time.

Carolinaware.

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(Words) It's not your fault (But I think it is 'cause I didn't see it coming) - Some of You.

Had to retreat into my own thoughts for a second. Pretty sure you understand.


The title speaks to the fact (AMONG OTHER THINGS) that when I told folks 'what happened', I could see the 'doubt' in their faces. @ why Melissa decided to end her life.

I could see some TRULY trying to grasp it while others were just like 'Naw...had to be more'. Even saw a few 'Naw, nigga it was you and are you sure you didn't DO SOMETHING." (Too much TV y'all. Cut back on the movies and shit..Yes, it happens but unless to a person, every one of you can tell me TWO CASES in which you know the people PERSONALLY that it happened to, I'll stick to the 'it rarely happens' odds thank you very much. .00000333% does not 'it happens all the time make. Sorry folks. )


All the while telling me that I 'probably should know since I was with her every day".

At first, I was actually okay with that as I knew that 'they didn't know' the full scope of things. Then, I started to grow weary of having to explain it OVER AND OVER AGAIN like my story was going to deviate. Then I got mad when folks just flat out started saying, 'That's not it.."  All while telling me..


'You were with her every day so you would know better than us..." -_-

Imagine how that shit sounded to me..... Yeah.. (I've already imagined how her DEATH SOUNDED TO YOU BY THE WAY. She was my EVERYTHING. Lover, FRIEND, RIDER, PARTNER IN CRIME, AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF. All rolled into one..So I can relate how it 'sounded to you. I probably wouldn't have leaped that far though and some of you were a BAD INFLUENCE FOR HER unbeknownst to you. See what I did there? It's called not jumping to conclusions. You should try it sometimes. No really... )

I found something the other day. Not gonna share it here. Shared it with my kids and those that needed to know. @ the actual content.

I'm not crazy. I know what I saw. I know what we talked about it. I know the in and outs of what came out of me knowing. Two simple paragraphs from my wife summed it up perfectly. @ what I found the other day.

So now that I am no longer just 100% but 150% certain I know why my wife did what she did...... Hate that I had to give the other bullshit some light (investigate..not believe..but investigate..)  but I had to rule shit out. Charge it to the game.


5% of what has happened has made it to the published portion of the blog. I'd gather to say about 7% of the situation in its totality has made it here period. Sitting in the drafts section probably never to be published. That said... Here we go....





So much more in this situation that I quite honestly never gave any thought to having to consider. 

I mean I knew that I would have to stand up in deliver no doubt. Just didn't thing self esteem would feel the quiver. 

You see, I was counting on seeing mirror behavior. Having to do what I felt wasn't done for her through the young saplings we've cultivated. 

 I mean if IT WERE YOU in this situation? I would be able to tell you exactly what was what and keep you mentally hydrated. 

Kinda hard to get yourself to drink from the same well though. Even if you have drawn water for others from it your whole life. 

I mean I KNOW BETTER. I know 'all the answers'. I know what is going to come out of folks mouths before they can formulate the words. But.....you see..she was my wife...

There are no mythical time machine I can jump in. No P90X. No 'surgery'. No Pill. No bottle. No elixir. 

The irony that source of my pain finally came to the same conclusions. That there was nothing that could 'fix' her. 

Selfish act? Delusion that there no way out? Self preservation. Been grown her whole life. Her? Gwen Stefani. I was her Jay. With No Reasonable Doubt. 

Life started out in the positive but points got knocked off into the negative far too early. 

Coaches weren't in the coaches box anymore. Forced to be grown when she should have been young, adolescent and girly. 

Super Saiyan mode. Lil girl gone forever SO SHE THOUGHT. Grown woman powers. Activate. 

Never got the 'okay that's enough killer' talk. Or if she got it, she wasn't trying to adhere. 

Never got that she REALLY WAS MEANT TO SEE THE BABIES GROW. That she really was MEANT TO BE HERE. 

Never got that she was pretty enough. Coach's validation missing on her evaluation. 

Competition. Be the best. Pretty standard stuff for some but some NEVER had HER DEDICATION. 

If the goal was one hundred percent, she would set her bar at one hundred seventy five. 

Hit one hundred fifty AND DOUBLE BACK FOR THE OTHER TWENTY FIVE. Otherwise it would just eat her alive. 

Chasing that coach's perceived plans and dream. Living the nightmare that the coach's departure left her in to survive..

Seen through the eyes of an eight year old...seeing the coach's eyes.. hearing the coach's demands and LITERALLY taking them to heart. 

Seeing her other coach pass away. Being pulled away from her childhood home... a whole new start..

Cycles...6,11, 14....years respectively. Matriarch coach is gone. One coach still here. Intimate and legit worries. Living in fear. 

Worrying about remaining coach's health and sanity. When will he leave? Is he going to still be here?

Little girl was never 'gone' by the way. She made appearances all through adulthood and made cries for attention.

She made appearances all the time in adulthood. In the most uncanny ways. Often with plenty of warning and premonition. 

Emotional outbursts, acts and behaviors given dismissive waves by even those within arms reach. 

Not to this naked eye. I saw 'em all. I couldn't speak on them to others though. Her trust, I could not breach. 

Breach it YOU SHOULD HAVE! If she is your friend, family member, etc. That's what you say. 

I did that once. That earned me a seven year exile.  Only I didn't have to 'go away'. 

I did that before and nobody wanted to look beyond 'me' as the issue. 

I did that before and the only thing most of you offered was a brief word and a tissue. 

You went back to your lives even though you CLAIMED YOU KNEW HER BETTER THAN I. 

You claimed to care about her but I HAVEN'T SEEN HAIR NO SIGN OF YOU. When she passed, did you even cry?

You see, I was here THE WHOLE time and unlike some of you who 'knew' something was amiss.

I took THE TIME TO DIG, GET CUSSED OUT, RESEARCH AND GET TO THE CORE OF WHAT WAS WRONG WITH my eldest daughters' Miss Miss'. 

You see, 'cause I CHOSE her to help me raise her. To shine a light on the child. 

I chose her not only for her greatness but so she could fulfill that need within herself THAT SHE DIDN'T GET AS A CHILD. 

I knew my wife knew what it was like to have a childhood in turmoil and I knew she wanted to share and try to heal. 

I knew that one day, she could talk to my daughter and relate to her when shit got real. 

So I'm not trying to hear FROM you what I 'should have done'...

Besides, the blame game is something I do BEST. I can play the board empty. Standing alone on the board. With no one. 

I always wanted her to be more. Do more. Get well. Never EVER GOT IN HER WAY. 

Even if it meant she had to soar and on the ground is where I needed to stay. 



I felt like what I wrote up top had to be said. Some of you are gonna take that as 'shots' at you and truly they are not. I also know who I took the shots at, they will get to see 'em. I don't doubt that. I mean what I say though. *shrugs*

Should it bother me? Probably not.

Does it? Yes. 'Cause I know that is how things get murky. You see, I worry about my kids and some of you are holding onto to things that you have no clue as to what you are talking about. @ what you 'think you know'. I'm not here to 'clear up' specifics either. I just don't need you murking up my kids lives with your version of your '1/4 truths'. That's all. I'd hate to have to ban folks from contact with my kids. I will though.

You weren't here. I was. I can SPEAK ON IT 'cause I took the time to figure out behind all of the accolades, achievements, the prettiness and all of that, that there was an 8 year old girl and 13 year girl screaming out for help.

Did you? Oh.... Okay then. Leave my name out of it. @ what you 'think happened'. It is pretty clear what happened. You just chose to either 'ignore it' or maybe...(gasp)...you missed it. I know the shock that someone who (insert whatever inferior role she played in your Life in regards to her due to her age, family ranking, worker status, etc) basically FOOLED YOU INTO THINKING EVERYTHING WAS FINE when clearly it was not is overwhelming but you are gonna have to face those two realities. Either you igged it or you didn't see it. I'm gonna have to ask the tough question though.

How did you NOT SEE IT if you had ANY knowledge OF HER LIFE?  I mean that was the FIRST THING I saw when I met her AND I MADE IT MY BUSINESS TO FIND OUT WHAT EXACTLY WAS WRONG. I didn't have all the answers then but I SAW IT. I can't see how you couldn't. More importantly, if you DID SEE IT, at some point when it was APPARENT I wasn't going anywhere, WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO ME with it to make sure I knew? If you cared about her as much as you are proclaiming that is... ESPECIALLY THEN. Maybe not so much 'now'. 'Cause it is hindsight plus you KNOW I KNOW NOW.


How did you miss it?

If you didn't have that knowledge, I'm probably gonna exempt you from the question unless you came at me wrong about 'what I could have done'.. The question applies to you though if you ask me that 'cause I'm gonna ask you.

Why didn't YOU do something?

Look man.. You can 'not like me'. Not think I was 'good enough for her' or whatever you wanna think.

You better recognize though that I was THE ONLY ONE ACTIVELY on a day to day basis who truly tried to help her reconcile her past in that way. While she was watching her past parade by her via her future. @ her kids.  'Cause I was the ONLY ONE who had the nuts to take everything that came back at me for trying. Did you? Oh..okay then. Shut up. Don't wanna hear from you. I watched some of you 'kid glove her' so I'm not talking about what I heard. I'm talking about what I saw. I know some of you didn't too though. Which is why she hid things from you. Somehow, it was my job to DO BOTH and I did that.

How do I know I was the only one?

She told me. More than once. Beyond that, actions SPEAK LOUDER. Didn't really see folks exhibit actions that correlate with the 'things I'm hearing' or WHAT I SAW when she was alive. @ CERTAIN ACTIONS/attitudes/etc. That's all I know.






Like I just said. Legit fear. I read about that country singer the other day and my heart, like most of you who have a soul, just broke. Luckily, I don't have the 'vices' that she has BUT DAMMIT the rest of it, I FELT. 

You know, it isn't like I had an arranged marriage or something. @ MISSING HER. I legit chose her and decided THAT FOR BETTER OR WORSE this is what it was gonna be. I do mean for 'worse' too BECAUSE if you have been reading along, I knew of her issues pretty much the whole time. 

I'm not writing this for you to suddenly say 'Is he okay?? Everybody call him now!!" Naw, I already have people calling and stuff now truthfully. I'm just saying I understand how homegirl felt. Truly. 

The other day, on my Twitter line, I got into a discussion (it was civil) about the 'cowardly' act that is suicide. I won't pretend to feign ignorance to the simple truth of the matter. Which is, if you don't know about it up close and personal, you are probably going to hold that VIEW ON IT SOLELY. Rather, it is probably gonna be the 'main' view you have on it. Sure, you will 'understand' that things go on but since you've never been to that point or seen anyone get there, you just don't understand. Which is fine. 

Like many things you just don't understand though, you probably shut ALL THE WAY FUCK UP ABOUT THEM. -_-

There. I said it. 'Cause I don't even ENTERTAIN things that I can legitimately say, "I've never been through or experienced' THAT I CLEARLY CAN SEE ARE BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION. That's just me though. I digress. 

Picture me telling someone from the 'bomb squad' about their failures on a job when my only experience with them is 'the ground is the black wire' from some damm movie? I've never dismantled a bomb so I probably don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Think of it like that.. That's not to say I shouldn't have an 'opinion' about it but since I don't know what the hell I'm talking about to begin with, I might not want to be too adamant about the inner workings of what it takes to dismantle a bomb. I don't know enough about it to get indignant and self righteous about what should or shouldn't be done. 




I just think that before you slap that label on someone, you might want to do your research and remove 'YOURSELF' from the situation before you pass judgement. Pretty sure there are plenty of things you didn't see yourself doing until you were FACE TO FACE with those things and you had to make some decisions. If you haven't, you haven't lived enough yet. Come back to me when you have. Oh that's right. Some of you have never 'conformed', deviated from your plans or anything like that. You are so special. 

Did you ever finish school by the way? 

That business you were gonna start, how's that working out for you? Oh you haven't started it yet? My bad..

I thought you only messed with bad broads? Why does your...never mind..let me be nice. 

Get it? Okay good... 

Now before someone says 'Well are you saying I shouldn't be MAD at the person for doing that?" 

Never said that. I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT AS WELL. I just wouldn't use the word 'cowardly'. Not when it comes to someone whose mental mind state is challenged and doesn't have what one would deem 'normal' tendencies. That's what I am saying. Let me reiterate that some of those 'abnormal' tendencies are what make those SAME PEOPLE GREAT. 

Where they 'cowardly' when they helped you and ABOVE AND BEYOND to do so during situations that your 'scary ass' couldn't handle? Oh.... 

Where they 'cowardly' when they were the ONLY ONE WHO COULD OWN UP TO THEIR BULLSHIT while you continued to duck, hide, lie, deflect and hide behind bullshit girl/boy mantras? Oh..

Or where they cowardly when they finally did open up to someone about their issues and the fact that they couldn't control them while you STILL won't open up about yours? 

Yeah... be REAL CAREFUL with the 'cowardly' statements...insinuations. That glass house over there is looking REAL SHINY cuh. 

You see, for the vast majority of folks who struggle with this, it isn't a 'once in a while thing'. It is EVERY DAMM DAY. Yes Sherlock, even those days you saw them 'happy'. They don't get to 'pick and choose' which days either. There is no 'Good day/Bad day' wheel they are out here spinning. Not to say that there is one for anyone but in particular there is not one for them. It is a lot. 

The other thing I would like to point out to some of you Perfect Patties/Peters out here is that from what I can ascertain, the folks that suffer from these things usually are some of our more 'RESPONSIBLE' folks IN THE WORLD. They usually have the high pressure/very demanding jobs/lives. The brunt of everyone depending on them (sometimes at their own behest but CERTAINLY THOSE THEY ARE HELPING SURE AREN'T TURNING IT DOWN EITHER..) is HUGE. What am I saying? Let me be clear. 

They are out here doing far more than you are in most cases. With less. You might want to shut up with your judgement and do more. That's what I am saying. Clear enough for you?

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(Words) ...A short story about my Grandmother & one of my uncles..Now you know if I'm telling it...

 ....there is a reason.

 No picture today folks..Sorry.


I'm going to share a VERY brief story.

I actually was back in North Carolina to attend the funeral of James Largent Isbell*** nee my Uncle Chuckie (January 24th 2000) in that lil sleepy town in Caldwell County that I have referenced here before and my grandmother (My mother's Mom) was staying with my parents. There was a horrible Nor'Easter that was developing but I needed to 'get back up top' to attend to some business. Now all the while during the days of the process of the funeral my Dad's brother's funeral, my Grandmother was telling ANYONE who would listen to enjoy her now. Now most dismissed what she was saying and it wasn't like she was in failing health although she had seen eight decades on this Earth and was two shy of seeing nine of them (Yes, I am going to make you do the math. Math is more than just 'weight on a fishscale..' You'll be aight over there Einstein. Do the math...)

I told you the story would be brief.

So the night I was to leave from Holly Springs, as I had arrived on VERY SHORT NOTICE and hadn't had a proper chance to prepare my car, I had a flat. I contemplated putting on the spare and just getting back on 'em but was talked down by my Father. He told me he would take me to Knightsdale to get four new ones if I didn't put his granddaughter (the now 13 year old) up the road on that tire. So I'm doing what young folks do, ignoring my Father's request and preparing to put this spare on all while figuring out just where I was going to stop to get a new tire in the morning when my Grandmother comes out to the garage and drops THIS ON ME.....

"Look here you Black Jew*, I'mma tell you this one time... You might wanna come on back inside and enjoy the presence of your grandmother 'cause while I may look well, I am about to your Pop Pop sooner than any of you know. You can ride back up the road tonight if you like but you will be wasting gas because you will just have to turn RIGHT BACK AROUND.. "


She turned right back around and went inside. I closed my trunk and followed. Had a good time that night. She played with my daughter and talked to her and we continued on with our 'playful arguing'** She went to sleep that night......


 She never woke back up. She was gone. Just like that. No fanfare. No doctor. No complaints. We found her the next morning as I was going to depart. Needless to say, that didn't happen. @ me leaving. 


Why am I telling you all this story today. Well, for one because I feel like it. It is on my mind. Two, it is probably gonna help SOMEONE. Someone I probably will NEVER KNOW. Three, I am telling you this SPECIFICALLY TO SAY THAT IF I (OR ANYONE ELSE YOU KNOW THAT YOU FEEL LIKE WILL 'ALWAYS BE AROUND') brings you some particular joy or positivity, enjoy it. 


I think you can 'fill in the rest' can't you???? 

See, I knew you were smart! I knew you could do it. Stop taking folks for granted folks. Young or old. Doesn't matter. I see a lot of you out here who honor those you love with T-Shirts and shit but when they were here YOU TOOK THEM FOR GRANTED. Stop it. Now I am about to get up and take someone to the store who I know is going to take me to EVERY STORE KNOWN TO MAN even though she SWEARS she only will be going this one time. I know better. I also know I may never get to take her to the store on another crowded Christmas holiday stretch. So off I go. Love you Mom....  



*Compared to all of my cousins who had never been above the Mason-Dixon line, I by FAR SPOKE THE FASTEST IN MY FAMILY AND THUS HAD APTLY EARNED THE NICKNAME..."Black Jew"...Meaning fast, slick and intelligent but deadly. - Per my Nan Mama aka my Grandmother.... 

**Family that is reading this KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT... I loved her and she loved me. Our birthdays were one day apart. Needless to say, yeah....We used to get a lil acid tongued with the convos but it was ALL LOVE. Trust me. She would often tell folks that herself.

***  I gave reference to this uncle before actually. Some of you hustlers from DE and NC need to pay homage. He is your OG. TRUST ME WHEN I TELL YOU. Here's a hint.. Radiator.. I-95...major weight... non stop driving....Miami... Pioneer in that town... You do the math. Especially you Wilmington cats. He is one of your forefathers. Told ya'll you didn't know your own history didn't I? It is why I am not interested in hearing 'your stories'. I know a real live nigga that did that not with the hope for a record deal but just to survive... First. I might let you in on the rest of it one day. One day.... He was also someone who told me never to fuck with it. It wasn't worth it. Even with all the money and the girls. He told me that in private one day. I don't think anyone else really knows that. Until now.

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Luke Campbell 'disowns' his kids...(Video)

There is a 'little' more to the story but like usual, WE HAVE ALL RAN WITH THE HEADLINES of it. Here is the clip though. He tried to 'let it go and downplay it' before but....

Now I have heard cats make declarations about what they will do in regards to their children and KNOWN a lot about the situations. I have had my mind changed even WITHIN THOSE situations after seeing 'interactions' between all parties involved. That said, this shit is looking real shaky on their parts. Yes, I know of DEAD BEAT DADS. Never been there. Ain't shit might not ever be shit. That doesn't sound like this to me. Even in spite of what he said about the 'three year old'. I would be more interested in his 'actions' than his words because he is hurt. He spoke out of anger. They spoke out of anger. Shit gets said. A person can only take so much shit talking. Especially in regards to something so personal as child rearing, being there, and what REALLY HAPPENED. Since we weren't there, we don't know too much of that now do we? This shouldn't be being played out in the 'media' though. That's all I know and for that reason alone, this shit looks suspect to me. Yeah..yeah.yeah...'Maybe they tried that and felt this was the only way...' You see what that got 'em right? Just because you feel something is your 'last recourse' doesn't make it the RIGHT RECOURSE. You know that 'cause you seem to 'remember' way of thinking in other scenarios now don't you? Apply it here. Find another way. Not like this though.






The video that started it all...She sounds like she is reading at a casting call..smh.