Monday, June 24, 2013

(Words) This first of 'Firsts' X Jane would have been 35 years old today X Happy Birthday

I'm not even gonna sit here and PRETEND that we had 'all out bashes' for her birthday. We didn't. IF she even took off work that day, she would maybe go lay out in the backyard, sleep in a little bit, go to the spa or something like that during the day..

WHAT WE DID DO was have cake made by her sister. If you know me in real life, then you KNOW ALL ABOUT MEL MEL and her 'Ace of Cake' (That's what I have dubbed them) type joints. We would, of course, EAT WHATEVER Jane wanted that day for dinner and IF she felt inclined to eat breakfast, I would COOK whatever she she wanted and bring it to her.

Of course when Jane and I were 'younger', we would GO OUT and do what young adults do. Dance and party. She did that with her girls at some point around her birthday as well. That's pretty much it. Probably pretty typical stuff that most folks do on or around their birthday if they celebrate it... that I've gotten all of that out of the way for you folks who were privy to a sliver of our life and would be saying in the back of your head 'He's acting like they used to do.....XYZ' we can get down to the business of the post. Or rather I can.

I always used to tell her that while today (June 24th) was the day she was 'born' and it was 'her' day, I much rather prefer to spread the love and affection out over the course of the year. That's why I could 'step aside' if she wanted to go out with her friends for 'one night' or could take the 'kids' while she went out and did whatever made her feel special on her day. 'Cause I was going to show it the other 364.... 

That is what I am mourning today. The fact that I can't 'celebrate' another year with her on the face of the Earth for another 364. Of course, during that time, there are days when 'no celebrating' went on as we weren't 'perfect' so don't take the words 'literally' in that sense. Just take them to mean that if I felt like doing something special, I didn't wait until Christmas, Valentine's Day, HER BIRTHDAY to do it. I just did it. Whenever I felt like it. 

I can't do that now. The day is important to me..don't get me wrong.. it is. It is just that it drives home the point that she won't be around the days after.... The days that I liked to take to show her that she was pretty damm special. That's all... 

My kids, who are DO RECOGNIZE these days with GREAT REVERENCE so I feel bad for them as they are still in the infantile stages of learning what is like to show someone they love them consistently. They take these days as the pinnacle of that love so for them not to be able to show their mother that love in the physical is no fun. 

This 'first time', even with the words I typed up top, is cumulative in that without THIS DAY, none of the other 'firsts' happen. Understand that I know that without it.... 

No birth, no wedding. 

No birth, no holidays. No kids. No BIRTHDAYS FOR THEM. 

No birth, no 'regular' days that I loved the most. 

So even within my love of the regular days that I shared with her, I will take the time to give this day its just due.* I will reflect, as many of you who knew her will, on different times and memories. 

I guess this is the time where I'm supposed to hit y'all with words 'cherish', 'tell folks you love 'em' and all of those other nice cliches. Something tells me that I won't have to wrap them up in a sentence for those of you reading this time... 

Very thankful that I played 'Paparazzi' Jane,  as you used to call me. Lotta memories captured. Thank you for allowing me to show you what I always 'saw' in you and for accepting it as my way of saying certain things. For accepting me for me. For allowing me to love you for you. We both learned that from each other. Thank you for that. 

Without you, I wouldn't know some other great folks too and together we share a LIFETIME of memories of you. 

Definitely left me with some blessings in regards to the kids. Thank you for helping from the start in raising all of three of them. Lots of sacrifices. You made me promise to make them 'better' than both of us and I will. Thank you for backing me in the creed of being 'their parents' FIRST and maybe....just maybe their friend a little later. That other promise you made me make in regards to the middle child in particular? Done. Actually, all the promises you made me make in regards to each one individually? Done as well. We spoke about letting one 'go' but staying in the wings and that has happened. The other one is RIGHT ON COURSE... I got you Juana. Thank you for giving her to me in the first place. :) Just wish you were here to enjoy her. She's everything we said she was gonna be when she came out of the womb.... 

Happy birthday Jane. Miss you. Love you. 

*And will do so for the other folks I've lost...