Friday, April 12, 2013

(Words) Two days a Week..... The hour... It just might be working....

Two days a week, I take my middle child to have a little 'time' with someone. I sign her in.... the lady comes out and asks us how things are and off she goes.

Don't think I haven't NOT CRIED one time.


That look on her face. I hate it. It is almost as if to say. "Ummm... I'm doing good and yet you bring me here to REMIND me of what I am trying to forget..."

My dearest Middle child,

All I can say is simply this. You need the time. You will thank me later. 

*turns back to the camera* 

For that hour that she is there, it takes ME BACK TO NOVEMBER 19TH, 2012. Every time. 

Sometimes, I remember November 17th, 2012 and I can at least start out smiling. That was a dope day. In hindsight, I can see CLEARLY how she MADE SURE IT WAS A DOPE DAY. @ her actions. For everyone. 

Even with that memory, I'm always taken back to waking at 7:50 am. That 'empty' feeling. She wasn't in the bed. I still have that bed. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Probably gonna be a bone of contention one day 'if' I ever let anybody get THAT CLOSE again. Might be a deal breaker. *shrugs* Fuck it, my heart is already broke anyway so.... I can still see her laying there. Clearly. Vividly. 

Funny thing is I don't hold any resentment towards guns or folks who have them. Hell, it was mine after all that..... So movies with them when they are NOT used for that purpose don't bother me. 

I will say that anything remotely close to the subject of depression or suicide resonates with me in a way that I can't ever see shaking. No matter how many couches I sit on... how many blog posts I write. I've had more talks with more folks who have revealed that they too suffer that I've lost count. 

I FELT FOR EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I truly have. I haven't grown 'tired' of hearing about it. I know they are merely expressing themselves in a way that for the vast majority of them, they could NEVER DO 'cause they felt no around them would EVEN GET IT. 

I get it. 

I wish she would have known that others would have gotten it too... 'Cause she didn't know that. Just like with the loss of her parents.. the WAY she lost her parents... she felt so alone. 

How do I know that she felt alone? I gotta be guessing on that one right? No.

I heard her say it. All I could do was hold her. Or leave her to her thoughts sometimes early on when I didn't know what to do myself. After awhile, it came to the point that she didn't have to say it. She would just look at me and I would know. 

Those looks. That hour... For that hour my little girl is in there, I see tons of folks. Hear tons of arguing with people coming in. I've seen folks bringing their kids in and pretty much saying 'This is bullshit.. There's nothing wrong with you..I'm only doing this because I was mandated to do it.." 

I've seen adults told the same thing. I've seen the products of other broken up homes where the grandmother is taking her 'scantily clad' granddaughter to therapy and listened to her pray in the corner for SOMEONE TO HELP HER 'CAUSE SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HER. I don't know her 'story' but I know enough to know her parents are gone she is all she has. (Older folks don't whisper on the phone and my bluetooth was shot so.. yeah... I heard it.) 

My poor little girls..all of them.... I put up a video of her singing a song earlier today on Mobli.. It was just last year. That innocence I saw in her face is GONE. This has taken that away from her. 

All I can think about is how someone stole that innocence away from my wife... For that whole hour... for those two days... 

Now for some of you it 'makes no sense as to why I am 'dwelling' on things. I mean after all I know you know it has been a short time period but for the vast majority of you there hasn't been an event this tragic. So 'getting over things' and moving on is...well... quite simple. So this might seem like dwelling to you. Let me clear it up for you.

It isn't. 

See, I just got to this point. I've had quite a few other things that needed my immediate attention SO I KINDA HAD TO SKIP OVER THIS PART OF IT. Not only that, it is happening TO ME. So even if I 'deal with it', I might have to 'come back to it' @ whatever 'part of this situation I'm in'. So I am sorry if I am not 'where you want me to be' or that if you dealt with this part of it already. 

I'm not through with dealing with it. 

I'm gonna address something else here. It is the way I do things so if you don't 'get it' or it isn't clear enough for you to 'understand' then it must not be for you to 'understand'. It is really that simple. 

The truth. I deal in it. Every day. You are going to have to learn to accept that about me. I've learned to tell the truth even when I honestly probably should be 'lying'. That's how real with it I'm coming. 

Don't ask me questions you don't want answers to or that you already know the answers to. 

If I tell you I am feeling a certain way, believe it. 

If I answer your question, don't act like I didn't and try to 'read into the answer'. I am pretty succinct and definitely crystal clear. 

If you offer up help in ANY CAPACITY and I even LISTEN to what you have to say, consider yourself lucky. I don't even entertain 'help' offers from folks I either don't think can help or offers about things that I think won't help. Period. Speaking of that..

I can't stress this enough. I hear ALL OF Y'ALLS SUGGESTIONS. 

There are only 24 hours in a day. Regular things have to happen too in addition to the things that are 'needed' to supplement things due to the situation. Everyone has a routine and their allotted time. Can't really deviate from that...  

In English, I can't do all OF THE SHIT SOME OF YOU ARE SUGGESTING. Period. It isn't that they aren't 'good suggestions'. They are. Some of them just can't happen right now and ANYTHING that involves them, I'M GONNA BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED. So 'coming to get them to take them' without me first SEEING, WATCHING, HEARING...ETC... is not going to happen. No matter who you are. 

So.... That's about as nice as I can say it. Sorry.....

Oldest one is playing soccer. She played GREAT THE OTHER DAY!! Never played soccer in her LIFE outside of in the yard. She played stopper and striker. She didn't allow advancement on her side and SHE GOT AN ASSIST!!! She has a game today and you KNOW WE WILL BE IN THE RAIN SCREAMING FOR HER! 

Youngest one has all MPs on her report card! She is officially going to the 1st grade no MATTER what she does in the last marking period. (Not like she is gonna fall off. I won't let her! lol) 

...this just in at 2:41 pm 4/12/13... the middle one just handed me her report card. 

She has a 3.84...All honors classes..

..she is GEEKED. 

So is her Father. :) Mood changer!!!! She just told me she thinks therapy is helping her even more.. (She had a 3.6 last marking period.) 


Gotta roll. See what I can go do special for this little girl. 

It is even sweeter 'cause SHE IS HAPPY. I didn't mandate some crazy gpa. Just at least a 3.0. The girl almost got a 4. Had she not switched schools and got there late, she would have had a 4.0. 

She just spoke of getting it but not in an unhealthy way. She is super excited about her 3.8.

I'm gonna LET HER BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not my Father. I'm not Melissa's Father. I am ME. My own Father always told me..

"Be a better Father than me..." and he was a GREAT DAD..Not perfect but that is what made him great. He knew it. He acknowledged it. We moved on and all was right before he left me here on Earth.. I'm trying..

And my little girl JUST MADE ME PROUD. 

This was JUST THE THING I NEEDED TO HEAR. I'm gonna think about this TOO when those two days come up. When that hour ends.. 

This is how I want it to be always so OFF TO THAT HOUR we will go... 

I'm out. 


There are parts of this post where I felt like you were speaking for me, like you were in my head. Many times I've felt the way you are...feeling like people around me wish I would just 'get over it'. I never could express what I felt, I just couldn't explain it. You did that for me and I just wanted to say thank you.