(Words) You carried her emotional bag so you HAVE TO CARRY MINE now.. The Story of A Former Bag Handler...

I think by now, if you are here, you know the story. My wife committed suicide. She suffered from depression. I have children. I'm living Life. I'm not the first widowed person nor will I be the last. It's still my story and life so I'm the one who has to live it and through the experience I've learned way more than I cared to ever know about myself. Including the following.

I CLEARLY must have 'baggage handler' written on my forehead in invisible ink. It seems that I meet a lot of people who hear the story/see the kind of person I am, think of how 'strong' I must be and immediately dump their bag at my feet and ask for the total commitment of fixing their woes and problems from me. Like it is my job. It seems to always go the same too. It goes from 'That was so sweet that you did that for her' to 'Why can't you do that for me?" Then I'm always confused... Rinse. Repeat. 

I seem to promptly take a deep breath, grab their bags and attempt to help them unpack them. Every time. You know because that's what 'love is all about' right? How does that meme go:

I cannot believe how wholeheartedly I used to pretty much live by this phrase and then have the audacity to wonder why things went how they did..smh 

Oh and my other favorite... smh 

One time? Okay. You got it. Two times....eh... THREE TIMES? Yeah Bro, you gotta look at your motto. Sorry.  This where the rubber meets the road. 

Nah, your demons can't come anymore. I've had enough of taking on others demons. They are yours to handle and you better be taking active steps to take care of them. On your own. Without me. Will I SUPPORT YOU? Absolutely. Will I take them on as my own? Nope. I'm especially not down for being punished for things I have not done. None for me thanks. You need not be perfect but you also need not be lashing out at me over things I didn't do. This is where I am at with it now in Life. You mad because my wife got that total commitment? Keep it moving. You won't get it. We are older now for one and for two, I'm just not doing it. I have a whole different Life now and I do not have time. 

It's time I take some of the accountability for being in the situations though. Not because I helped Melissa. Nope. That's done and over with and the fruits of our marriage are what they were. I have to take accountability because I needed to learn that I shouldn't have to help fix anyone. Letting anyone's demons have a life or a place in my Life should not happen anymore. I shouldn't have to love someone through their baggage because I stayed with Melissa until she was gone or allow them to try to guilt me into putting up with their mess because of it. I made a commitment there and I honored it and quite honestly, it was a different situation too. Children. Marriage. Etc. I don't have to 'sign up for again' in any capacity. Especially not in some fairy tale made up capacity where the events of my Life are cobbled together by heresay and wishful spiteful thinking by folks who weren't even around at the time. Matter of fact, while nobody is perfect, I should certainly not be signing up for it again in any capacity. I probably should be avoiding it to be frank. 

Yet, there I was. Living by those mottos above. Thinking 'Well you are flawed Mark so you gotta put up with that.." Nope. I don't. Some of you TOLD ME THAT. Hell, I've told SIMILIARLY FLAWED PEOPLE that. Some things just aren't going to work out if certain things are present. It is what it is.

No more. There's a big difference between accepting flaws and just carrying someone's bag. Allowing them to have you think that you have to carry it or you are selfish. Egotistical. Or just a plain dick if you don't. 

Nobody has to deal with anyone. Ever. It's not about being a bad person either. Both people can be good people who are just a bad fit. Their situations don't match up. That's it. 

Get a therapist though folks. Stop laying your baggage at people's feet to carry. You see baggage that you don't like, don't pick it up. I think there's room for both sides to get some of this here blame. I understand that in folk's weakened states, the trauma bonding happens. It shouldn't though. Especially if the traumas aren't the same. Hell, even if they are we are all different people and we all handle our traumas differently and we certainly shouldn't be 'bonding over it' That breeds folks wanting others to skip steps or handle trauma the same way they do. We are different people with different minds and different hearts. No wrong way to handle your trauma. It's definitely wrong to push your way onto someone else or to snub your nose at their pain. 

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn due to the nature of my spirit. My nature is to help others FIRST. To overlook flaws to an extent. Outside of my kids, I have a tendency to put others first emotionally. Maybe not always physically but emotionally I do. They get space they don't earn or lovebomb their way into and when I balk or realize it, it's my fault for introducing them to a vibe I can't maintain. I'm going to be real here. They aren't shit for doing it like that but I should stop letting them doing it. Also, vibes are going to change because situations change. I hear people yelling 'consistency' like Life doesn't ebb and flow. Context people. Context. Learn it. 

There are all types of 'therapist phrases/words' for what I am and what the people are who thrive off of having relationships of ANY KIND with people like me. We throw them around so much that I don't even want to use them here. It almost always ends up being a 'word war' of who can throw the most terms down. I think you know the terms and I'm going to assume you are a sane person and can use Google. What I will say is that while people like me are 'preyed upon due to our good nature' it ultimately imperative that we learn how to stop putting ourselves in these situations. Repeatedly. At some point, we have to take some ownership here. We see the signs. We see the flags. Hell, we often RUN TO THEM thinking that we can 'love them through it and they will be perfect for us'. Nope. Nah. We can't love them through that. They aren't our little project. They are people. They need to fix their own shit and we need not accomodate the bullshit just to say we loved someone when they were down. Nothing wrong with loving someone who is at the stage of being their complete self. 

This is me attempting to do that while not changing who I am as a person. It is admittedly hard because then I think it will take away from my ability to be empathetic. I know if I go too far to the left and I will join the harden folks who question everything and trust no one pretty much ever all while trying to build something that requires neither thing's presence. I'll be the guy that hates the opposite sex but yet still wants to 'build something real' with them. All while poking holes in the boat with my childish behavior because I'm holding on to hurt from the past that they didn't cause. Definitely not going out like that. @ me. Too far to the right and I'm back to accepting being Baggage Boy. Gonna have to find the center and stick to it. lol 

I'm no longer performing the task of 'bag handler'. I was never here to make up for all the shit someone else went through anyway but by picking up folk's bags and basically PROMISING to carrying them, I was basically signing up to do just that. Carry that bag and all the insecurities, games and healing on the fly that comes with that. "Be a man....the man my Father rr MY KID'S FATHER never was.." I can't take his place and I'm done trying to do that for anyone. I'm done carrying the bag of the guy who repeatedly cheated on you while you took care of his babies. Didn't change a diaper or wake up for a night feeding while you took care of your babies. The guy who is not half the father that I am to my children and neglects yours. The guy who never prioritized his kids over anything he had going on or openly loved your or your craft. Who always shitted on what you had going on and never supported it.  The guy who made it so you think it's cool to go through phones. Or the guy who ripped your heart out of your chest. I'm done. I don't need residual hate for my current actions/standing in Life because of your past bullshit. Come healed from that or don't come to me at all. 

This is very specific. On purpose. Don't think I'm making blanket statements here. I'm not. It's my experience. My sample size. You may not have a "Daddy' issue so please don't project if you are reading this and we don't know each other. I promise it's not like that. I'm just speaking on what I've allowed here. Thanks. We can talk about men and their 'Mommy issues' later. I promise. :) (No, I don't have them but we can touch on it..) 

Well what about you? So you are telling me that you aren't asking folks to carry your bags Mr. Blogger? I mean, what about what comes with YOUR situation? - You

Super glad you asked. No. I don't ask. I barely talk about it actually outside of here on the blog. As you can see, it's been three years since I've even talked about my situation publicly (even with the missing posts). Anyone being honest with themselves knows that I don't talk about it because they had to REPEATEDLY ASK ME ABOUT IT in order to hear my thoughts. Nah, I don't ask people to carry the bags that come with it. I actually WARN people about it. What usually happens is they belittle the situation and compare it other things it is not. Divorce. A bad break up. A split custody situation, Etc, Etc. That's not on me. It's a different situation. Not 'worse'. Just different. So asking someone to 'carry a bag from my situation' in regards to something they truly can't even fathom is stupid. I wouldn't dare. In the event that they HAVE GONE THROUGH IT, I don't even have to say anything or ask them to carry a bag either. Nor will they TRY.  They know the nuances of the situation and that people handle things differently. They have an understanding even if they DON'T HANDLE THEIR SITUATION THE WAY I HANDLE MINE. 

I could EASILY be afraid everyone who suffers from some things but I am not. What I am wary of now is taking on the burden of 'fixing that person' or 'loving them through it' while putting up with the residuals of the pain caused by previous people/situations. I'm just saying I won't even PARTAKE IN IT. My ego, pride and sense of loving someone aren't built for that kind of thing anymore. I'm done. Yes, it got exhausted and my capacity for it is used up. I'm not Jesus nor do I pretend to or want to be. I can retire from the role. Those mottos I used to live by that I thought I needed to employ to get 'love' aren't for me at this stage of my Life. I know that now. I tried it. It's not for me. That's not my ministry. 

Here's what I don't need though in regards to my Life. Someone who feels like I should just 'get over it' that she died. Someone who is secretly jealous of how I treat my kids due to their own past or their own kid's father not treating theirs that way. Someone who wants to erase her memory, make the memories taste like acid by belittling her/her children or their or my grieiving process. Someone who wasn't around, inventing their own version of what happened in a Life they know nothing about. Someone who doesn't respect boundaries. Someone who doesn't understand that I have the capacity to love MANY PEOPLE and my love is not something that they get to control and dole out at their discretion. If you need me to love pretty much you and only you in all capacities, I don't need you around. Period. Why here? So it is on record. I've verbally done this but... denial. Can't deny it if it is in writing. *shrugs* 

We've definitely moved on appropriately as far as the death of Melissa is concerned. We never stopped moving forward. We've graduated schools. Moved into professions. Parented. Cried. Laughed. Loved. Still haven't forgotten. We won't forget. It's not a divorce. It was a death. They aren't the same. You don't get to 'purge' her outta here, release some balloons every November and that's it. That's not how this works over here. My kids will talk about her. Her name is gonna come up. I'll talk about her if I see fit. Pictures are gonna pop up. Her friends are going to celebrate her as well.. duh..they are her friends. I'm not gonna not talk to her family members to sooth your ego. They will accept you for you but you gotta come correct. Just like your family, friends, etc would expect of me. My middle kid looks just like her. It's a fact. You gotta get over it. You are gonna hear about it. People try to be respectful but once EVERY 50 TIMES it's gonna get said. Deal with your own childhood traumas of younger child syndrome on your own time. @ projecting anything you may see with my children that drags up old childhood memories of your own. You aren't the only one who 'deserves' here.. 

You aren't competing with her. For lots of reasons. The main one being she's no longer alive. She has a place in my heart and if THAT ALONE BOTHERS YOU, you shouldn't deal with me or anyone who has ever been in the situation. I dare say you shouldn't be dealing with anyone at all until you lose that mentatlity but I digress. You aren't going to 'love me enough' for her to not have a place. You certainly aren't going to accomplish it by belittling her and making comments about how much of a better person you are because you are alive and she is not to parent her children. So if you feel a way about HOW she died, you should gracefully bow out too. Your presence is not needed. 

I TOTALLY understand that this situation isn't ideal for a lot of people. I just need folks to stay away from me if they think they are going to change or erase things. 

This isn't an impassioned plea to someone in the past either. That shit is all the way dead. Trust me. This is about the future. This is about me. I PROBABLY NEED TO READ THIS BLOG OVER AND OVER MYSELF way more than any of you need to read it. The last time I introduced someone to the blog, their spirit was shaken and I thought I could love them through it. They all but told me this wasn't going to work every step of the way while they still tried to front like the situation was for them and my dumb ass kept trying to put a square peg into a round hole. No more. I put it ALL OUT THERE. I'm not changing that part. I'm just going to change the part where I ignore the signs that the situation is just not for them. I'm just not going to pick up their bags and try to love them through the situation..... 

Sincerely, 

A Retired Bag Handler

We live how we live. Through proper planning, the current situation is what it is. You don't like it? Don't come near me. Period. 

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(Words) "I'm just tired....." : Published on 6/11/13 12:06 AM

I was watching the Dr. J documentary tonight, GREAT DOCUMENTARY BY THE WAY, and he was speaking on his brother's death....


He got to the hospital just in time to hear him utter those words...


I almost had to cut the TV off. I made it through the first showing of the documentary okay though 'cause I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT. 

The second showing though.....


As soon as he said it, I had to turn it off. (Luckily, I recorded it...)


Now as a child, I had 'heard' about folks saying that. I even remember my Nan Momma standing up in church, telling her Pastor that it would be her last Sunday in church.....


"I'm tired and I feel like the Lord is ready to take me to be with my husband...I'm ready. So I'd like to thank y'all and tell you that I love you.."- My Nan Mama to her congregation. 

Those three words are something that I got used to 'hearing' over the last 14 years. At FIRST, I thought it was physical fatigue as the person uttering those words worked 2 jobs, PLAYED JUST AS HARD AS SHE WORKED and had a child/raised another one with me. I found out pretty quickly that it wasn't that. 

She was essentially telling me that she was ready to ..... She was prepping for the day that she could no longer......

The look on Julius's face as he recounted the story of his brother....the realization, even after ALL OF THESE YEARS.....that he was being told that. To have to come to grips with that as it BECAME REALITY... I felt his pain. I remember the day that I realized not only what she was saying but that she was serious about this. 

I know that pain. 

I know I'm not alone in knowing that pain but we aren't talking about that now are we? We are here on MY BLOG so yeah.. we are probably gonna talk about how 'EYE' feel. 

That tiredness. No one can seem to understand it. 

I can.... 

...I can also understand how you can feel that way and how it feels to dig DEEP....DEEP....DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF to keep going. Long after ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE QUIT. Long after the 'I don't know how you are doing it..' type attitudes would have really permeated things. 

The 'tiredness' doesn't come when you think it normally would. Those 'big days'. Naw.. There is pain on those 'big days' but NOTHING LIKE THE DULLING PAIN THAT DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES BRING. 

Nothing like the sting of not having THAT someone to talk to while the rain pours down on your house long after the kids have gone to sleep. Not that the conversations were marathon sessions either. Sometimes they were as brief as a head nod, a smile....a gentle brushing away of a wisp of unruly hair. A palm of the head. Or just the simple act of sitting next to that person in silence...enjoying the silence together. 

Not that folks don't 'fill voids' or provide some support. They do. It is just that when the person you have been used to having around when you'get tired' is no longer around........it is tough. You don't wanna lean too hard on anyone else 'cause what if they 'get tired too'? What if they don't 'understand' like they claim they do? Especially when you are mourning the loss of 'that' someone. You can't get 'mad' when they don't get it no more than they can't get mad at you when you can't 'make them get it'. 

This fight.... man this fight.....IT IS A TOUGH FIGHT. So many different angles. So many different things to worry about. 

Sometimes I take solace in knowing that there are other folks have had to sit by helpless to their loved ones plight. Their fate. Knowing it wasn't going to end well and that whatever the circumstances were....that they would have to live with the pain and suffering for the rest of their own natural lives.


I saw that pain that the Angel of Death can bring in Dr.J's eyes. 

It is the same pain I have in mine.... the same one that is in my children's eyes. Good times wash over our faces and they are truly good times. Temporarily covering the pain... 

They mask the 'I'm just tired' in our faces though. Sometimes, I have to put them (the kids) all on my 'back' figuratively and literally.I just don't know if I can trust anyone else enough....

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(Words) Two days a Week..... The hour... It just might be working....

Two days a week, I take my middle child to have a little 'time' with someone. I sign her in.... the lady comes out and asks us how things are and off she goes.


Don't think I haven't NOT CRIED one time.

She shouldn't have to do this but yet SHE SHOULDN'T NOT HAVE THE RESOURCES OR THE PARENT WHO WILL MAKE SURE SHE DOES.

That look on her face. I hate it. It is almost as if to say. "Ummm... I'm doing good and yet you bring me here to REMIND me of what I am trying to forget..."

My dearest Middle child,

All I can say is simply this. You need the time. You will thank me later. 


*turns back to the camera* 

For that hour that she is there, it takes ME BACK TO NOVEMBER 19TH, 2012. Every time. 

Sometimes, I remember November 17th, 2012 and I can at least start out smiling. That was a dope day. In hindsight, I can see CLEARLY how she MADE SURE IT WAS A DOPE DAY. @ her actions. For everyone. 

Even with that memory, I'm always taken back to waking at 7:50 am. That 'empty' feeling. She wasn't in the bed. I still have that bed. I can't bring myself to get rid of it. Probably gonna be a bone of contention one day 'if' I ever let anybody get THAT CLOSE again. Might be a deal breaker. *shrugs* Fuck it, my heart is already broke anyway so.... I can still see her laying there. Clearly. Vividly. 

Funny thing is I don't hold any resentment towards guns or folks who have them. Hell, it was mine after all that..... So movies with them when they are NOT used for that purpose don't bother me. 

I will say that anything remotely close to the subject of depression or suicide resonates with me in a way that I can't ever see shaking. No matter how many couches I sit on... how many blog posts I write. I've had more talks with more folks who have revealed that they too suffer that I've lost count. 

I FELT FOR EVERY LAST ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I truly have. I haven't grown 'tired' of hearing about it. I know they are merely expressing themselves in a way that for the vast majority of them, they could NEVER DO 'cause they felt no around them would EVEN GET IT. 

I get it. 

I wish she would have known that others would have gotten it too... 'Cause she didn't know that. Just like with the loss of her parents.. the WAY she lost her parents... she felt so alone. 

How do I know that she felt alone? I gotta be guessing on that one right? No.

I heard her say it. All I could do was hold her. Or leave her to her thoughts sometimes early on when I didn't know what to do myself. After awhile, it came to the point that she didn't have to say it. She would just look at me and I would know. 

Those looks. That hour... For that hour my little girl is in there, I see tons of folks. Hear tons of arguing with people coming in. I've seen folks bringing their kids in and pretty much saying 'This is bullshit.. There's nothing wrong with you..I'm only doing this because I was mandated to do it.." 

I've seen adults told the same thing. I've seen the products of other broken up homes where the grandmother is taking her 'scantily clad' granddaughter to therapy and listened to her pray in the corner for SOMEONE TO HELP HER 'CAUSE SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH HER. I don't know her 'story' but I know enough to know her parents are gone she is all she has. (Older folks don't whisper on the phone and my bluetooth was shot so.. yeah... I heard it.) 

My poor little girls..all of them.... I put up a video of her singing a song earlier today on Mobli.. It was just last year. That innocence I saw in her face is GONE. This has taken that away from her. 

All I can think about is how someone stole that innocence away from my wife... For that whole hour... for those two days... 

Now for some of you it 'makes no sense as to why I am 'dwelling' on things. I mean after all I know you know it has been a short time period but for the vast majority of you there hasn't been an event this tragic. So 'getting over things' and moving on is...well... quite simple. So this might seem like dwelling to you. Let me clear it up for you.

It isn't. 

See, I just got to this point. I've had quite a few other things that needed my immediate attention SO I KINDA HAD TO SKIP OVER THIS PART OF IT. Not only that, it is happening TO ME. So even if I 'deal with it', I might have to 'come back to it' @ whatever 'part of this situation I'm in'. So I am sorry if I am not 'where you want me to be' or that if you dealt with this part of it already. 

I'm not through with dealing with it. 


I'm gonna address something else here. It is the way I do things so if you don't 'get it' or it isn't clear enough for you to 'understand' then it must not be for you to 'understand'. It is really that simple. 

The truth. I deal in it. Every day. You are going to have to learn to accept that about me. I've learned to tell the truth even when I honestly probably should be 'lying'. That's how real with it I'm coming. 

Don't ask me questions you don't want answers to or that you already know the answers to. 

If I tell you I am feeling a certain way, believe it. 

If I answer your question, don't act like I didn't and try to 'read into the answer'. I am pretty succinct and definitely crystal clear. 

If you offer up help in ANY CAPACITY and I even LISTEN to what you have to say, consider yourself lucky. I don't even entertain 'help' offers from folks I either don't think can help or offers about things that I think won't help. Period. Speaking of that..

I can't stress this enough. I hear ALL OF Y'ALLS SUGGESTIONS. 

There are only 24 hours in a day. Regular things have to happen too in addition to the things that are 'needed' to supplement things due to the situation. Everyone has a routine and their allotted time. Can't really deviate from that...  

In English, I can't do all OF THE SHIT SOME OF YOU ARE SUGGESTING. Period. It isn't that they aren't 'good suggestions'. They are. Some of them just can't happen right now and ANYTHING that involves them, I'M GONNA BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED. So 'coming to get them to take them' without me first SEEING, WATCHING, HEARING...ETC... is not going to happen. No matter who you are. 

So.... That's about as nice as I can say it. Sorry.....


Oldest one is playing soccer. She played GREAT THE OTHER DAY!! Never played soccer in her LIFE outside of in the yard. She played stopper and striker. She didn't allow advancement on her side and SHE GOT AN ASSIST!!! She has a game today and you KNOW WE WILL BE IN THE RAIN SCREAMING FOR HER! 

Youngest one has all MPs on her report card! She is officially going to the 1st grade no MATTER what she does in the last marking period. (Not like she is gonna fall off. I won't let her! lol) 

...this just in at 2:41 pm 4/12/13... the middle one just handed me her report card. 

She has a 3.84...All honors classes..

..she is GEEKED. 

So is her Father. :) Mood changer!!!! She just told me she thinks therapy is helping her even more.. (She had a 3.6 last marking period.) 

THE. BEST. NEWS. EVER... 

Gotta roll. See what I can go do special for this little girl. 

It is even sweeter 'cause SHE IS HAPPY. I didn't mandate some crazy gpa. Just at least a 3.0. The girl almost got a 4. Had she not switched schools and got there late, she would have had a 4.0. 

She just spoke of getting it but not in an unhealthy way. She is super excited about her 3.8.

I'm gonna LET HER BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not my Father. I'm not Melissa's Father. I am ME. My own Father always told me..

"Be a better Father than me..." and he was a GREAT DAD..Not perfect but that is what made him great. He knew it. He acknowledged it. We moved on and all was right before he left me here on Earth.. I'm trying..

And my little girl JUST MADE ME PROUD. 

This was JUST THE THING I NEEDED TO HEAR. I'm gonna think about this TOO when those two days come up. When that hour ends.. 

This is how I want it to be always so OFF TO THAT HOUR we will go... 

I'm out. 

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(Grown Folks Talk) I had to get one of my 'hers' the help that 'She' needed..

Of course, by now, you know the backstory so I'm gonna jump right into it.

"You know that you and the kids are gonna need to talk to someone..." - You

"......." - Me


Reason for the dots? I was there. I kinda know the situation was pretty fucked up seeing as though I am SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. *shrugs* 

I mean it isn't as if we lost our dog. Or our goldfish. Or that our house burnt down. Not that those things wouldn't hurt... 

We lost a mother. A wife. Life partner. Influential woman to young ladies who will become women. Road dawg. Sounding board. Etc..etc...etc... 

So yeah, when I saw that one of my 'hers' needed some 'attention' above and beyond that which I could provide, I got her that 'help'. I mean she was already talking (as they all were) to someone at school but I saw some things that said she needed more. You see, BEFORE HER MOTHER DIED, my health issues kinda got to her. So she began to fear losing me LONG BEFORE her mother passed. She chose other ways to cope. A cut here. A nick there. Always hidden from sight per say. 

Then her mother died......

Yeah.... 

Not. Good....


Sure we saw the band aids but she's a kid so yeah.. Thank God for the parenting rule of 'Take your little sister with you/there shouldn't be anything you are doing that she can't be present for' that is in place. 6 year old did her JOB. What some of you common niggas refer to as 'snitching'. She saved her sister. Proud of her. Sometimes, SOMEONE HAS TO TELL. Ya feel me?

So yeah.. I had to do the SECOND HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO DO. I had to let my child go get help WITHOUT ME being there. I saw her every day. Sometimes twice after I gave her space to adapt. 

THE LONGEST TWO WEEKS EVER.. Didn't tell many folks. Bad enough that folks are gawking at us anyway. More ammo.. More shit to yap about. So we just handled it. Like the Gs that we are. Yes I said that. My kids and I are Gs out here. Soldiers belly crawling through this. One inch at a time. That's all we know. Is to keep going. They are soldiers just like their Momma was... 

She is 'fine' now. Bubbly Middle Child that I honestly haven't seen in a long time. She never 'stopped talking' so that wasn't the issue. She now takes her moments is all. She has other ways to cope. She grew up a lot in those two weeks. She saw some things I honestly wish she never HAD but I THINK IT WAS GOOD FOR HER. She saw that others are hurting too. She saw what happens when you DON'T GET HELP. When you do ignore the signs. When someone doesn't answer your cries for help. Not that she didn't GET THAT MESSAGE from her Mother's passing. This just showed the middle of the story to her. 

I had to go get one of my 'hers' the help that 'she' didn't get.....I couldn't drop the ball. I couldn't ignore it. Sure, I could have yelled at her about knives and scared the piss outta her. 

She would have just found something else to ease the pain. Another way. Who knows WHAT THAT COULD HAVE TURNED INTO.. We see enough examples of what folks turn to. I don't want her to know who 'Molly' is man. Fuck that. So off I took her.... To get some help.  

No finger pointing btw. Real spit. I wasn't there. @ my 'she'. I didn't live in Brooklyn. In Queens. I only know the transitioning girl child that became a woman... I only know that when I 'got her', she was hurting and that she needed it then but I couldn't 'make' her go. Only suggest. Implore. I do know that she could have used what my lil girl got AS A LITTLE GIRL. I do know that IT WILL BE DONE FOR ANYONE IN MY HOUSEHOLD NOW. That's what I do know.... I'm not of the adage that mental health care is for the weak. Or that 'we don't do that'. I know too many of 'us' that have taken their own lives to believe that foolishness. 

So for those of you concerned that I may not 'do right by them' and get them the help they need, you are too late. 

I've ten steps ahead of you. Trust me. 


My outbursts on Facebook. 

Many of you aren't privy to those honestly so this one might be a little bit confusing. Just follow along anyway though. It is pretty self explanatory.


The 'outbursts' that you see on Facebook usually don't bleed over to here or Twitter 'cause I've decided to concentrate them where the folks who I am talking about WILL SEE THEM. 

Why there? 

'Cause that is where they are pulling their info from. Where they 'see me'. It is the ONLY place they really see me honestly so that is where I choose to address it. For some of you, it is baffling. Probably a bit too much for you. Rest assured that like most things with me, you are only getting 5%. The issues I address there, usually get addressed BY ALL PARTIES INVOLVED fairly quickly and much more civilly than they get presented. No worries. Sometimes, you have to say what you have to say. Feel me? I usually say what I have to say and I'm pretty much DONE with the angst part of the issue when I push send. Much like  I am when I type stuff here. So y'all can stop worrying. 

Oh and if I REALLY WANTED YOU TO KNOW WHO I WAS TALKING ABOUT, I'd include them in the post. I don't for several reasons. I can forgive them. I know some of you can't. So I choose to keep it the way I do. 

Random thought:

I'm not sure what you guys are expecting of Justin Timberlake (or Hov for that matter on that Kendrick Lamar remix) but I fail to see the problem. Both are banging to me. Then again, some of you need the radio to tell you what is hot so yeah...I know for a fact that Jane is somewhere dancing her tail off to this joint.. That was our boy.. @ JT.. Okay... random thought over. 

Now where was I? Oh yeah... I was addressing me addressing folks on Facebook. That goes for here too actually. 

Speaking of that, I am single. :) We are gonna get into that a bit right now...Briefly. Vaguely. I know y'all wanna know. Dammit, you talk about me 'not being ready' all the time so that is how I know... Speaking of which..... 

Everybody is looking for the flyest thing to say... But I just wanna fly away.. with you....- You Know Who... *




Here's what I hear the most...


"I know you aren't ready for a relationship but I just want to know that whenever it is you might be that I need to know that...." 

Holy promissory note Batman!! - ME. 

(Looks into the camera) I don't really have to say much more do I? @ giving details. 

I don't mind bids being put in. I SWEAR I DON'T. 

Do. Not. Do. That. Though. 

Double talking. At its finest. 

Do I feel like I am saying too much about this? Naw.. If you follow me on Instagram, you can kinda see different things..lol Life is a secret but it isn't THAT MUCH of one in that aspect. If you are reading this and you know you probably fall under what I am talking about..... You HAD TO KNOW that this probably would make it here.. This is my outlet. Sorry. 

I'm gonna be REALLY CLEAR ABOUT ONE THING. She doesn't pass away, there is none of this. Period. Y'all probably need to RECOGNIZE THAT. Period. 

It is just a part of Life though. Only I know where I am with that reconciliation process. @ being married, moving like I am still married and if and when I can move on. If I can actually 'love someone' ANYWHERE NEAR THE level that I did with her. Or if I even want to. I knew where my relationship stood, what I was trying to deny that I was being prepped for and all of that good stuff. I would 'explain' that last statement but some of you would just flat out NEVER GET IT. So yeah.... In English, I probably know what I am ready for WAY MORE THAN ANY OF YOU WILL EVER REALLY KNOW. Degree'd up or not.... 

Here is a word of advice from the dude that is going through it to those of you who want a 'shot' though... 

Don't tell me what I'm ready for...

Don't try to make me promise shit. 

She's grown B. Raised you. Remember that.. You are grown. Try and remember that too. Do what you feel..I am. 

Don't expect me to forget her. (Have you seen my middle daughter? Yeah.. Good luck with that one.... lmao.. Nevuary 5th, Ain't Gonna Happen... @ forget..) Shit, have you seen HER as in have you seen JANE? Yeah.. not gonna forget that anytime soon... 

Let me grieve. 

Let me live. I'm not really about that 'answer to folks' life. Sorry. 

Let me do me..

I'm probably gonna keep posting stuff about HER. Long long...LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG PROCESSSSSSSSSSS...... Nothing you can do about that. If you don't like it, eh... God Bless.... 

Understand if I do choose to spend time with you, you must be doing something right. Don't overthink it... 

The girls. Love 'em. They are first. Second and third. So whatever I do, know already THAT I'VE TAKEN CARE OF THEM. Don't worry about 'having to say you don't come before that.." I KNOW THAT. :) You just make sure YOU REMEMBER THAT? Aight.. 

Time. 

Comprende? 

Yeah..I had to put it in writing. 'Cause...yeah... 

If I DO COME AT YOU OR LET YOU COME AT ME, I'm not chasing. I don't have time for one and for two.. yeah... that's not my style.. Never has been. We can chase each other but that other shit? Naw... 

Is that what you came here for? @ what I just typed out. A lot of you follow the blog at this point so I'm pretty sure your eyes are BULGING out of your heads right now. Oh you thought the blunt honesty was an 'act' huh? Nope. This is me. *shrugs* 

Enjoy that. I probably won't do THAT too often. Today though, I felt like it. So there it is. Besides, I have so many folks 'coming at me' that me saying that is PRETTY MUCH NECESSARY. No braggo. It is just the facts. I'm human folks. Sorry. 

To the Aunties. Bear and Brooklyn. Thank y'all. The objectivity that most claimed NEITHER ONE OF YOU HAD but I always thought you did is VERY CLEAR AND EVIDENT. Thank you for that. Truly. :) This is why I don't listen to what folks have to say about other people and I take the time to find out myself. 

My other two children:

My oldest has taken the personal note that my wife to her to HEART. She is flourishing right in front of me. So proud of her. 

My youngest is expressing herself DAILY. She is a LOT LIKE ME. She has her own 'blog' in the form of a notebook and she writes two to three stories a day about how she feels. Never the same thing twice. She is dealing with it in her own way.. She 'bout broke your boy's heart the other day though...


"Our family had five people in it and now we are minus one. We have four people now... I wish I didn't know how to subtract now..." - The Six Year Old....


I. Almost. Lost. It. It took everything in me to get her to school and drop her off without crying. 

After I dropped her off....

Yeah... She was so accepting of it and that is what kinda hurt me the most. 

The fact that she has to be. That it is just the truth of the matter. I think she is fine by the way. She's cried. She's drawn sad pictures. I just see so much of ME IN HER that it is scary. @ accepting and dealing. 

It is just a tough deal to watch my little angel deal with it. 

108/78.... @ my blood pressure (Umm..my top number was on that 150 ish this time last year so yeah.. bottom number was hovering around 99ish and above..) . Don't know HOW THAT IS HAPPENING OTHER THAN TO THANK GOD and to keep on exercising and letting things out in places like this blog here. So feelings hurt or not, I let them out. Sometimes, I push publish, sometimes I don't.. 

R.I.P. to my Daddy's good friend Nathaniel Simmons. Fellow Armed Forces man. One of my mentors as well. Definitely all man. All the time. My heart goes out to my boy Scottie Simmons. He is THE ONLY ONE LEFT IN HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY. Momma gone too soon almost 20 years ago. Brother died not too long after.. Now his Daddy is gone. Strong brother though. My prayers are with you my dude! Truly. I'll play the background and if you need me, get at me. 

This is SO HARD Y'ALL. I usually don't end on that note but...It is. Super hard. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even with the move, there are things that can't be changed. Erased. That is going well btw. Love the home. Kids love the home. It is ours. Which feels good. 

It. Is. Bittersweet. Though. She should be here. Decorating this joint with me. Hanging pictures with me. Enjoying my 'big room' with me. Working in the corner. Enough space for both us.... Ugh.... I'm probably officially 'mad at her' for this in some ways. Still doesn't mean that I'm gonna tolerate or wanna hear that you are though. All that 'that is selfish' talk will still get you the 'look' from me. We all know it was. We all ALSO KNOW WHY and you can't gloss over that. Or you shouldn't. Tread lightly.... @ talking that way around me. 

Aight...the youngest needs to be awaken or I will be here typing all day. 

*Justin Timberlake.. Spaceship Coupe...

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(Words) Reconciling, moving forward. Never forgetting....

I always assume that those who have passed on to the 'other side' have this sort of 'view finder' that allows them to either see the future, see the past or both. I am also a firm believer that those same folks probably get some sort of leeway in having a hand in things. That said, I know that if my now deceased wife has ANY SAY where she is at, the things that have transpired since her death, while not a DIRECT result of her, were influenced by whatever say she may have.

I'm going to be pretty vague, at least in my opinion, about the 'details' of some of those things. Others, I just won't flat out discuss. Either way, what I"m about to write is yet another chapter in my life after the death of my spouse. I know some of you have been praying every day and I thank you for that. Truly. We need it. Still need it. Still more trying days ahead. Every day is a hurdle and sometimes we graze the hurdle. Other times we run through it. There are days when we straight CLEAR THE HURDLE with perfect form. Those days are few and far between though. We are healing though.

I found a letter from her that she left with her wedding dress. Didn't find it until the other week. No, I'm not publishing the letter. What I can tell you is that it spelled out everything that I've been trying to tell folks from day one of this tragedy. I feel vindicated in a major way. That weight lifted off of my shoulders was huge. I mean, I WAS THERE but when you are one of the few that were and the MAIN PERSON is no longer here to give validity or credence to your version of the events, it is hard. Those who 'weren't there' have a hard time grasping. That note clears all of that up though. I read it to those who needed to see it. Children were addressed in it. They got their 'closure' in that sense. It was already closed for me in that sense so I am glad that they got that.

I have often been told by many that my children are going to need 'help' dealing with the situation. I'd like to take the time to reassure folks that I am DOING THAT. Not 'gonna' do. Not fixing to do. Doing. I would also like to point out that I KNOW THEY NEED IT. Melissa didn't get that. I'm of the belief that had she gotten it, she would still be here. I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT. It is WHAT HELPS ME GET MY KIDS HELP AS THEY FACE THE SAME MOTHERLESS LIFE THAT SHE HAD TO WALK THROUGH. I've seen the movie. I'm NOT trying to have my kids star in the trilogy. Nope. So yes, steps have been taken. Steps will CONTINUE TO BE TAKEN. I'm going to take a few of those 'steps' myself.

Her death, for those of you who don't know, happen IN OUR RESIDENCE. We've stayed in our home because well........IT IS OUR HOME. Nothing diminished that. It was a SOOTHING thing believe it or not for us. It took time for my kids to see that but they got that out of that. Anytime they wanted to say 'Hey Mommy', they could stand RIGHT WHERE SHE DREW HER LAST BREATH and say that. We are going to miss that. I thought I was going to feel like I was 'leaving her behind' when I walked out of that house with our belongings. I thought I was tearing down a foundation.

I wasn't. I was merely moving the foundation to a sturdier place. I've NEVER FELT MORE SURE ABOUT SOMETHING BEING THE RIGHT THING IN MY LIFE. I've also never felt so sure about HOW I WENT AND TOOK MY TIME AND MADE IT HAPPEN ON MY TIME PERIOD. Not on everyone else's. Not when my Momma thought I should do it. Not when my friends thought I should do it. Strangers. Counselors. Doctors.

When I wanted to. When I was ready. When I could reconcile with the decision and take her clothes and belongings that I didn't want everyone privy to and dispose of. When I could stand there in that spot where she took her breath, take the spiritual presence and 'carrying it to the new place' with me.

When I FELT LIKE I WASN'T LEAVING HER.

She is HERE. At this new place with me. I can FEEL HER. I can feel her putting people in my Life to take the place of the things she has done. I can feel her giving those folks the power and permission to do what she would have done for me. Make no mistake about it either. Folks have commended me for 'all I did for her' but she did PLENTY FOR ME. Things that you can't put a monetary value on. She has given those tasks to several people and I am accepting of those folks giving it to me. I'M STILL SINGLE btw. I HAVE TO SAY that 'cause folks get to 'wondering'.. When I'm not, you will be the 'second' to know. :) I have a LOT OF WONDERFUL FRIENDS that are helping me out though and believe or not, they are not all FEMALE and if they are, they aren't 'like that'. Yeesh. @ the speculation. lol (I'm smiling as I type this. That means YOU SHOULD BE SMILING TOO AS YOU READ IT. I'm not mad.. I hate that I have to type that out but tone is hard to convey when you AREN'T MAD in text so....Here we are..)


I prayed for signs that accepting help was okay and she answered EACH AND EVERY ONE with the cue I was looking for. Be specific when you pray people. That's all I can say. I should say God provided that by the way. I know that. I also know that right now HE KNOWS I am in a way that I have to see it coming from her in order to heal. I know he is ULTIMATELY behind all though. Trust me. That said, I have 'human' feelings that I have to reconcile with that make me struggle with accepting help. I"m working on! I'm also working to be even MORE EFFICIENT than I was before in my time and such. Again, if you don't have kids, you probably don't know how much time you truly waste..lol I have them and thought I was being pretty efficient and I was. I'm even MORE SO now though.

My Father is here with me too. He groomed me to be a man but he knew that the 'traditional sense of it' alone would NOT CUT IT. So he showed me who a 'man' acts and that it wasn't all about this macho bs that we are bombarded with. A man takes care of his children. He takes care of his HOUSE no matter WHAT HE HAS TO DO. If it is cleaning, he does that. If it is cooking, HE DOES THAT. He doesn't 'wait for his woman' to do it or 'do it out of spite to undermine his woman' in that way. He does it out of love and respect. He doesn't 'hold his woman back'. He lets her flourish. He also knows how to FLOURISH ON HIS OWN TOO. Never forgot that. This is was ALWAYS MY SHIP. She told me that and HE SHOWED ME HOW TO DRIVE IT SOLO IF I NEEDED TO DO SO. All I have to do is fall back on the teachings he gave me.

I have.

Today, I will continue to 'pass down' my Father's (and my Mother's..can't forget her. She helped me too but she is still here so maybe that's why I don't mention her as much.) teachings through one of my kids. He is my 'son'. Biologically? Naw. Spiritually and naturally though? Yes. I've raised him since he was 3 months old. My wife ADORED HIM. Used to love taking him EVERYWHERE WE WENT. He was like our accounting practice set for those of you who took accounting only he was LIVE AND IN THE FLESH. Some 18 years later, he is about to graduate. If you follow me on Instagram, you saw me post about his last game at St. Marks. I'm not here to judge his Dad so this is the ONLY MENTION I WILL MAKE OF HIM. I just knew that boy needed a Father. I knew my 'life lessons' wouldn't be wasted because I had someone I could pass them onto to. He has not disappointed me. He is a fine young man. Gonna make someone a nice addition to whatever family has him. Basketball family. Spiritual/friendship family. A FAMILY family.. if you know what I mean. Doesn't matter.  I'm not the only one thankfully who saw that he needed a Father so he has SEVERAL OF THOSE FIGURES IN HIS LIFE. I'm here to finish off that job for him. Home stretch for the kid and despite my situation, I'm STILL HERE FOR THAT BOY. Just like Melissa Jane would have wanted. Just like I WANT TO be.

You see, some of you go to the building they cal 'Church' (Feel free to insert the name of whatever your religion calls it here)  and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I have always done my work among the people. This is no exception. I just hope that I'm around long enough to see him, his first cousin by BLOOD who is my oldest daughter and my other daughters live out and do the things that Life brings for them for a good length of time.

One step and a time y'all. Sometimes I still stand still when I can't take that step. Always head forward though.

We are working with it. Playing the hand that we were dealt.

'Till next time.

Carolinaware.

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(Words) It's not your fault (But I think it is 'cause I didn't see it coming) - Some of You.

Had to retreat into my own thoughts for a second. Pretty sure you understand.


The title speaks to the fact (AMONG OTHER THINGS) that when I told folks 'what happened', I could see the 'doubt' in their faces. @ why Melissa decided to end her life.

I could see some TRULY trying to grasp it while others were just like 'Naw...had to be more'. Even saw a few 'Naw, nigga it was you and are you sure you didn't DO SOMETHING." (Too much TV y'all. Cut back on the movies and shit..Yes, it happens but unless to a person, every one of you can tell me TWO CASES in which you know the people PERSONALLY that it happened to, I'll stick to the 'it rarely happens' odds thank you very much. .00000333% does not 'it happens all the time make. Sorry folks. )


All the while telling me that I 'probably should know since I was with her every day".

At first, I was actually okay with that as I knew that 'they didn't know' the full scope of things. Then, I started to grow weary of having to explain it OVER AND OVER AGAIN like my story was going to deviate. Then I got mad when folks just flat out started saying, 'That's not it.."  All while telling me..


'You were with her every day so you would know better than us..." -_-

Imagine how that shit sounded to me..... Yeah.. (I've already imagined how her DEATH SOUNDED TO YOU BY THE WAY. She was my EVERYTHING. Lover, FRIEND, RIDER, PARTNER IN CRIME, AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF. All rolled into one..So I can relate how it 'sounded to you. I probably wouldn't have leaped that far though and some of you were a BAD INFLUENCE FOR HER unbeknownst to you. See what I did there? It's called not jumping to conclusions. You should try it sometimes. No really... )

I found something the other day. Not gonna share it here. Shared it with my kids and those that needed to know. @ the actual content.

I'm not crazy. I know what I saw. I know what we talked about it. I know the in and outs of what came out of me knowing. Two simple paragraphs from my wife summed it up perfectly. @ what I found the other day.

So now that I am no longer just 100% but 150% certain I know why my wife did what she did...... Hate that I had to give the other bullshit some light (investigate..not believe..but investigate..)  but I had to rule shit out. Charge it to the game.


5% of what has happened has made it to the published portion of the blog. I'd gather to say about 7% of the situation in its totality has made it here period. Sitting in the drafts section probably never to be published. That said... Here we go....





So much more in this situation that I quite honestly never gave any thought to having to consider. 

I mean I knew that I would have to stand up in deliver no doubt. Just didn't thing self esteem would feel the quiver. 

You see, I was counting on seeing mirror behavior. Having to do what I felt wasn't done for her through the young saplings we've cultivated. 

 I mean if IT WERE YOU in this situation? I would be able to tell you exactly what was what and keep you mentally hydrated. 

Kinda hard to get yourself to drink from the same well though. Even if you have drawn water for others from it your whole life. 

I mean I KNOW BETTER. I know 'all the answers'. I know what is going to come out of folks mouths before they can formulate the words. But.....you see..she was my wife...

There are no mythical time machine I can jump in. No P90X. No 'surgery'. No Pill. No bottle. No elixir. 

The irony that source of my pain finally came to the same conclusions. That there was nothing that could 'fix' her. 

Selfish act? Delusion that there no way out? Self preservation. Been grown her whole life. Her? Gwen Stefani. I was her Jay. With No Reasonable Doubt. 

Life started out in the positive but points got knocked off into the negative far too early. 

Coaches weren't in the coaches box anymore. Forced to be grown when she should have been young, adolescent and girly. 

Super Saiyan mode. Lil girl gone forever SO SHE THOUGHT. Grown woman powers. Activate. 

Never got the 'okay that's enough killer' talk. Or if she got it, she wasn't trying to adhere. 

Never got that she REALLY WAS MEANT TO SEE THE BABIES GROW. That she really was MEANT TO BE HERE. 

Never got that she was pretty enough. Coach's validation missing on her evaluation. 

Competition. Be the best. Pretty standard stuff for some but some NEVER had HER DEDICATION. 

If the goal was one hundred percent, she would set her bar at one hundred seventy five. 

Hit one hundred fifty AND DOUBLE BACK FOR THE OTHER TWENTY FIVE. Otherwise it would just eat her alive. 

Chasing that coach's perceived plans and dream. Living the nightmare that the coach's departure left her in to survive..

Seen through the eyes of an eight year old...seeing the coach's eyes.. hearing the coach's demands and LITERALLY taking them to heart. 

Seeing her other coach pass away. Being pulled away from her childhood home... a whole new start..

Cycles...6,11, 14....years respectively. Matriarch coach is gone. One coach still here. Intimate and legit worries. Living in fear. 

Worrying about remaining coach's health and sanity. When will he leave? Is he going to still be here?

Little girl was never 'gone' by the way. She made appearances all through adulthood and made cries for attention.

She made appearances all the time in adulthood. In the most uncanny ways. Often with plenty of warning and premonition. 

Emotional outbursts, acts and behaviors given dismissive waves by even those within arms reach. 

Not to this naked eye. I saw 'em all. I couldn't speak on them to others though. Her trust, I could not breach. 

Breach it YOU SHOULD HAVE! If she is your friend, family member, etc. That's what you say. 

I did that once. That earned me a seven year exile.  Only I didn't have to 'go away'. 

I did that before and nobody wanted to look beyond 'me' as the issue. 

I did that before and the only thing most of you offered was a brief word and a tissue. 

You went back to your lives even though you CLAIMED YOU KNEW HER BETTER THAN I. 

You claimed to care about her but I HAVEN'T SEEN HAIR NO SIGN OF YOU. When she passed, did you even cry?

You see, I was here THE WHOLE time and unlike some of you who 'knew' something was amiss.

I took THE TIME TO DIG, GET CUSSED OUT, RESEARCH AND GET TO THE CORE OF WHAT WAS WRONG WITH my eldest daughters' Miss Miss'. 

You see, 'cause I CHOSE her to help me raise her. To shine a light on the child. 

I chose her not only for her greatness but so she could fulfill that need within herself THAT SHE DIDN'T GET AS A CHILD. 

I knew my wife knew what it was like to have a childhood in turmoil and I knew she wanted to share and try to heal. 

I knew that one day, she could talk to my daughter and relate to her when shit got real. 

So I'm not trying to hear FROM you what I 'should have done'...

Besides, the blame game is something I do BEST. I can play the board empty. Standing alone on the board. With no one. 

I always wanted her to be more. Do more. Get well. Never EVER GOT IN HER WAY. 

Even if it meant she had to soar and on the ground is where I needed to stay. 



I felt like what I wrote up top had to be said. Some of you are gonna take that as 'shots' at you and truly they are not. I also know who I took the shots at, they will get to see 'em. I don't doubt that. I mean what I say though. *shrugs*

Should it bother me? Probably not.

Does it? Yes. 'Cause I know that is how things get murky. You see, I worry about my kids and some of you are holding onto to things that you have no clue as to what you are talking about. @ what you 'think you know'. I'm not here to 'clear up' specifics either. I just don't need you murking up my kids lives with your version of your '1/4 truths'. That's all. I'd hate to have to ban folks from contact with my kids. I will though.

You weren't here. I was. I can SPEAK ON IT 'cause I took the time to figure out behind all of the accolades, achievements, the prettiness and all of that, that there was an 8 year old girl and 13 year girl screaming out for help.

Did you? Oh.... Okay then. Leave my name out of it. @ what you 'think happened'. It is pretty clear what happened. You just chose to either 'ignore it' or maybe...(gasp)...you missed it. I know the shock that someone who (insert whatever inferior role she played in your Life in regards to her due to her age, family ranking, worker status, etc) basically FOOLED YOU INTO THINKING EVERYTHING WAS FINE when clearly it was not is overwhelming but you are gonna have to face those two realities. Either you igged it or you didn't see it. I'm gonna have to ask the tough question though.

How did you NOT SEE IT if you had ANY knowledge OF HER LIFE?  I mean that was the FIRST THING I saw when I met her AND I MADE IT MY BUSINESS TO FIND OUT WHAT EXACTLY WAS WRONG. I didn't have all the answers then but I SAW IT. I can't see how you couldn't. More importantly, if you DID SEE IT, at some point when it was APPARENT I wasn't going anywhere, WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO ME with it to make sure I knew? If you cared about her as much as you are proclaiming that is... ESPECIALLY THEN. Maybe not so much 'now'. 'Cause it is hindsight plus you KNOW I KNOW NOW.


How did you miss it?

If you didn't have that knowledge, I'm probably gonna exempt you from the question unless you came at me wrong about 'what I could have done'.. The question applies to you though if you ask me that 'cause I'm gonna ask you.

Why didn't YOU do something?

Look man.. You can 'not like me'. Not think I was 'good enough for her' or whatever you wanna think.

You better recognize though that I was THE ONLY ONE ACTIVELY on a day to day basis who truly tried to help her reconcile her past in that way. While she was watching her past parade by her via her future. @ her kids.  'Cause I was the ONLY ONE who had the nuts to take everything that came back at me for trying. Did you? Oh..okay then. Shut up. Don't wanna hear from you. I watched some of you 'kid glove her' so I'm not talking about what I heard. I'm talking about what I saw. I know some of you didn't too though. Which is why she hid things from you. Somehow, it was my job to DO BOTH and I did that.

How do I know I was the only one?

She told me. More than once. Beyond that, actions SPEAK LOUDER. Didn't really see folks exhibit actions that correlate with the 'things I'm hearing' or WHAT I SAW when she was alive. @ CERTAIN ACTIONS/attitudes/etc. That's all I know.






Like I just said. Legit fear. I read about that country singer the other day and my heart, like most of you who have a soul, just broke. Luckily, I don't have the 'vices' that she has BUT DAMMIT the rest of it, I FELT. 

You know, it isn't like I had an arranged marriage or something. @ MISSING HER. I legit chose her and decided THAT FOR BETTER OR WORSE this is what it was gonna be. I do mean for 'worse' too BECAUSE if you have been reading along, I knew of her issues pretty much the whole time. 

I'm not writing this for you to suddenly say 'Is he okay?? Everybody call him now!!" Naw, I already have people calling and stuff now truthfully. I'm just saying I understand how homegirl felt. Truly. 

The other day, on my Twitter line, I got into a discussion (it was civil) about the 'cowardly' act that is suicide. I won't pretend to feign ignorance to the simple truth of the matter. Which is, if you don't know about it up close and personal, you are probably going to hold that VIEW ON IT SOLELY. Rather, it is probably gonna be the 'main' view you have on it. Sure, you will 'understand' that things go on but since you've never been to that point or seen anyone get there, you just don't understand. Which is fine. 

Like many things you just don't understand though, you probably shut ALL THE WAY FUCK UP ABOUT THEM. -_-

There. I said it. 'Cause I don't even ENTERTAIN things that I can legitimately say, "I've never been through or experienced' THAT I CLEARLY CAN SEE ARE BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION. That's just me though. I digress. 

Picture me telling someone from the 'bomb squad' about their failures on a job when my only experience with them is 'the ground is the black wire' from some damm movie? I've never dismantled a bomb so I probably don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Think of it like that.. That's not to say I shouldn't have an 'opinion' about it but since I don't know what the hell I'm talking about to begin with, I might not want to be too adamant about the inner workings of what it takes to dismantle a bomb. I don't know enough about it to get indignant and self righteous about what should or shouldn't be done. 




I just think that before you slap that label on someone, you might want to do your research and remove 'YOURSELF' from the situation before you pass judgement. Pretty sure there are plenty of things you didn't see yourself doing until you were FACE TO FACE with those things and you had to make some decisions. If you haven't, you haven't lived enough yet. Come back to me when you have. Oh that's right. Some of you have never 'conformed', deviated from your plans or anything like that. You are so special. 

Did you ever finish school by the way? 

That business you were gonna start, how's that working out for you? Oh you haven't started it yet? My bad..

I thought you only messed with bad broads? Why does your...never mind..let me be nice. 

Get it? Okay good... 

Now before someone says 'Well are you saying I shouldn't be MAD at the person for doing that?" 

Never said that. I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT AS WELL. I just wouldn't use the word 'cowardly'. Not when it comes to someone whose mental mind state is challenged and doesn't have what one would deem 'normal' tendencies. That's what I am saying. Let me reiterate that some of those 'abnormal' tendencies are what make those SAME PEOPLE GREAT. 

Where they 'cowardly' when they helped you and ABOVE AND BEYOND to do so during situations that your 'scary ass' couldn't handle? Oh.... 

Where they 'cowardly' when they were the ONLY ONE WHO COULD OWN UP TO THEIR BULLSHIT while you continued to duck, hide, lie, deflect and hide behind bullshit girl/boy mantras? Oh..

Or where they cowardly when they finally did open up to someone about their issues and the fact that they couldn't control them while you STILL won't open up about yours? 

Yeah... be REAL CAREFUL with the 'cowardly' statements...insinuations. That glass house over there is looking REAL SHINY cuh. 

You see, for the vast majority of folks who struggle with this, it isn't a 'once in a while thing'. It is EVERY DAMM DAY. Yes Sherlock, even those days you saw them 'happy'. They don't get to 'pick and choose' which days either. There is no 'Good day/Bad day' wheel they are out here spinning. Not to say that there is one for anyone but in particular there is not one for them. It is a lot. 

The other thing I would like to point out to some of you Perfect Patties/Peters out here is that from what I can ascertain, the folks that suffer from these things usually are some of our more 'RESPONSIBLE' folks IN THE WORLD. They usually have the high pressure/very demanding jobs/lives. The brunt of everyone depending on them (sometimes at their own behest but CERTAINLY THOSE THEY ARE HELPING SURE AREN'T TURNING IT DOWN EITHER..) is HUGE. What am I saying? Let me be clear. 

They are out here doing far more than you are in most cases. With less. You might want to shut up with your judgement and do more. That's what I am saying. Clear enough for you?

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