11/15/2022
Wow. Let's just say that off the bat. All the folks who are reading this who are a friend, family member, whatever to Melissa, allow me extend my thoughts and prayers to you during this time if it still hits you in a way. I get it. As you suspect.
I guess for some of you, you are expecting some SUPER GLOOM AND DOOM POST here. There may be a little bit of sorrow in this post but I think you might be surprised to hear a few things. I'm probably just going to let the words take me where they want. It's probably going to be better that way.
I'm going to get it all the way outta the way and say the fucking obvious. Of course I wish it NEVER HAPPENED. Duh. Feel how you wanna feel about it. It wasn't fun then. It's not fun to think about now. It AFFECTS today. Every day. In my Life anyway. These are just the facts.
Know someone suffering from Depression? Anxiety? Mental Illness? All of the above? More and indepth stuff? There are plenty of places to go but I'll start nationally.
Losing someone to Suicide sucks. Period. No matter what. Save your judgements and SMDFTB...
These past 10 years have confirmed everything that I thought about myself leading up to the events happening. EVERYTHING.
I've come out of it knowing no matter what I face, I can get through it. By it. Around it. Past it. My patience was tested. I couldn't make things 'go faster'.
I had to WAIT. I'm not here to tell you that people who 'lose their spouse' in other ways aren't hurting. THEY ARE! They may not have wanted it to end. Maybe they DREAMED OF BEING MARRIED WITH KIDS AND DOING IT FOREVER. I get it. I promise.
They also didn't have it jerked away from them in the middle of the night without any 'true' warning. I spoke on 'knowing things were headed that way" here in the past but I didn't have a PARTICULAR DATE. You usually get a 'court date' at least. A break up text. SOMETHING. I got nothing. Just woke up. Widowed. Period. With kids who needed things explained. With FAMILY MEMBERS looking at me like I did some shit. With whomever else I didn't know who came in contact with my wife outside of me WATCHING.
Shit is hard. Fuck what you heard. No other way I can say it.
I GOT THROUGH THAT SHIT. Ya feel me? I'm STILL FUCKING STANDING HERE. These kids aren't perfect but they aren't DEAD EITHER. They have their things that they've got to get past, including some that happened within this last 10 years BUT THEY ARE HERE.
We are here. Standing. Moving. Living.
Two of them are "grown", doing their thing.
Daughter #1 is FULL grown and sorting through her Life. She's a FREQUENT visitor of my blog. It helps her in ways I thought it might but scared me at first. She NEEDED TO SEE THE WORDS you guys see here. No FAIRYTALE shit. She's got several real life situations going on. I'm just here to listen at this point. Provide a place to be maybe until #3 is out. Real Life here man...Even these words, she needs to see them. I get it. No guessing and no pretending with me. I suck at it.
I speak on having a granddaughter but that's about all I'm going to get into here about on Daughter #2 UNLESS it affects me personally. Even then, limited things I'll say. That said, I'm in a different stage of parenting with them. One where they gotta learn to thrive on their own and I gotta let go. Working on #2. She's on her way to doing her part. Almost there. I'm going to enjoy my grandbaby being in the next room because that is going to change pretty soon. It was a GREAT time & I hope that some core memories were made for her. I know I have them. I don't have a date but I see her looking. The wheels are DEFINITELY in motion. Then there will be just my youngest and I. After that. Just me.
The "Baby"? She was 5 going on 6 when this all happened. She's about to be 16. She's got her own Life too and I'm probably protective of her the most outside of posting about her sport. She's going to be fine. She's got a plan. A few of them. Of course, I have what I want for her but all the things that I set in place for her, I'm GOOD WITH HER DOING. From her shop to the sport/school thing. She's got OPTIONS BABY. I love that for her. She may not think that but I DEFINITELY DO. I want her to take either one as FAR AS SHE CAN. She can do it. She's got her own things to deal with growing up without a Mama pretty much. This is written for her too. Maybe some things that didn't make sense that she saw, she'll understand better in time.
I'm going to now talk about what most people honestly come here for. Let's keep it real. Relationship stuff. How that has been during this time period. This section is going to be long because it's about ME. The others up top? I'm not going to go but into so much detail about. I've already talked about a bit but I'm going to color in the lines a bit more...
I remember when I was SO LONELY....SO HURT and I couldn't let anyone in. Hell, I thought I'd NEVER do that again. Ever. It hurt SO BAD. I really can't put into words how bad it was. Days not moving off the couch if it didn't involve my kids. Walking around the gym, working out my muscles but really working out my mind. Playing ball and people saying I was 'there' but not really 'there'. Long showers trying to get the feeling OFF OF MY SOUL. People invited me out but I wasn't really there man. They knew it too. I love them for trying though. Truly. I needed to be by myself.
So that's what I did. People came to me but I was in my own World. My kids, which most would tell you were before, became my super main focus. I can SEE how many people can say 'Fuck it." I promise you.
I couldn't do anything but WAIT and feel the feelings. The event wouldn't let me talk to anyone else in that capacity. Yes, there were others around but not like that. I still WORE MY RING FOR ALMOST A YEAR. It didn't stop people from hitting on me and continuing to TRY to talk to me after they heard the story but I wasn't ready. I let them know that with my words, absence and my actions. It was clear. I sat on the couch and cried way more than I went out. When I went out, it was out of routine. I wasn't having a good time really most times. The ratio isn't even close, way more horrible nights than good ones. Days too. Those nights weren't always just about Melissa either. The WHOLE SITUATION was painful. My kids were hurting. My Daddy had JUST DIED the year before. My mama was in her OWN PAIN and I had to watch that from afar. Life was LIFING, YA HEAR ME?* I had a lot going on.
Hell, I had to readjust my dating range. I wasn't THINKING ABOUT THIS prior to the event. I was SETTLED INTO MARRIED LIFE and all the things that it took to focus on one person.
I quickly realized that I wasn't...say in my 20s..lmao. It was quite FUNNY LOOKING BACK ON IT but I quickly slid my dating range UP. Settled in on a range. No younger woman. No BABIES. I was still raising babies, fuck I look like bringing another one in? Nope. One problem though.
I WAS STILL DATING LIKE I WAS MARRIED. I think, from what I've seen on dating sites, the 'ladies' call it 'Dating with a purpose". Yes, I was dating like my 'clock was ticking.' This is important. Remember this point. (Go on ahead and laugh.. I'M FUCKING CHUCKLING as I type this out. Literally. It's the truth though so fuck it. Here we go..)
I started to venture out more in 2014. Had a nice friend with whom I NEVER SHARED AIR SPACE WITH. Known her before WITH NO TYPE OF THAT KIND OF CHEMISTRY OR TALK before this all happened. Has kids. Kids came first. Doing it by herself for a good minute.
She WATCHED ME CRY on that couch btw (Video chat people. VIDEO CHAT.).
She made 3 am phone calls, knowing I was probably sitting right on that couch, awake.
I was. Wide awake. Typing away. Listening to music. Doing 'work', getting paid but still just existing honestly.
I watched her go through chemo. They were about to DECLARE HER GONE.. Read it again. Like ..GONE..GONE..
You know. Dead? That was NO FUN.
We've supported each other. They didn't stop making planes but LOGISTICS. Couldn't pursue it. No HARD FEELINGS. Geniune care still there..
I hear y'all blabbing about people of the opposite sex can't be friends. I know some of you know what I'm talking about here. You do it all the time. You don't think your partner is capable of it but you DAMN sure trust youself to do it. You've done it. You've put your roster on hold. We know this because your roster POPS BACK after every break up. I'm going to tread lightly here & say that if you did it for someone else AND THEY COULDN'T do it for you, I GET WHY THIS MIGHT BOTHER YOU A BIT. I suspect that some of you aren't feeling like it's possible because of THIS SCENARIO. To the rest of you though, I gotta ask. Were you the person who couldn't 'fall back' completely? Don't be shy..Like that mumbling Tik Tok says.. "SPEAK UP..." Being that person, I can see how you are staunchly against 'friends of the opposite sex'. You can''t do it. Say that though. That or you aren't about to let someone have the fun you were/are having. :) That's another post for another time though....
When she did get a man AND I WAS STILL VERY SINGLE, I STILL FELL BACK AS HER FRIEND because I didn't want to be in the way. I shouldn't have to have do that BUT I know how people get. She still got shit for it but whatever. Like most people, when they want you to tell the other person you are in the picture, he wanted her to DESTROY the friendship. IYKYK.
Seeing your partner connect with someone that's not you isn't for everyone especially when you know the feeling so you HAVE TO ASK YOUR PARTNER TO DESTROY IT. Right? Riiiiight...
You don't trust your partner then. Period.
People are going to do whatever they are going to do is my motto. You are going to cheat on me, you are going to do it. I'm not 'helping' you cheat by 'allowing' A FUCKING GROWN person to manage their own emotions and act accordingly. People are going to LIKE YOU. People are going to be attracted to you and want you. I probably don't want you if THEY AREN'T FEELING THAT WAY if I'm being honest. There is a line but knowing they like you, want you OR WANT TO BE WITH YOU isn't mine. I'm me. That takes care of all of that.
Also, when you are asked to 'destroy' a friendship and they've told you that they are "friends with all of their exes/on good terms.."?
RUN.
They aren't going to end your relationship quietly AND you have proof that they haven't 'destroyed' any of their previous /friendships with people they've been in a relationship with like they wanted you to do. Trust me here..
Anyhow, we kept it platonic. That's just what happened.
That situation right there LET ME KNOW I COULD CARE FOR SOMEONE again THE WAY THAT I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. I let people be them. Without holding on to them so tight that I suffocated them out of fear of losing them.
It showed that I can be happy for them even if they aren't with me or if I'm not the one making them happy.
That's a true friend to me. I also got to see that I could still fall back, be a real friend and not be messy. Remember, I was HURTING so I could have been out here acting a complete ass. Messing in other people's stuff. Just acting foolish. What was it to me right? I'd have an excuse. I was hurting. I could hide behind that shit. Like MANY MANY OTHER PEOPLE DO when they go through something.
I was feeling pain so fuck everyone else right? Nah, that's not my spirit. My spirit was still intact.
It showed that I could hold my end of the boundary too. Until someone is free, they aren't. That's just how it goes. That other stuff where people get jealous over their friend's person, sabotage their stuff, give bad advice or get too handsy, I agree, isn't friendship AT ALL. They aren't respecting things. I KNOW I NEVER DID THAT. No matter what. My existence doesn't denote that so miss me with that insecure shit. Vice versa too.
Definitely grateful for that experience. It taught me that I could be open. I was worried about that myself honestly.
Back out into the dating market I went for a bit.... nothing serious. Spring 2015 came and I did find someone locally. I have to take some responsibility for that one not working. I should have SEEN it not going to work. Child under 5 involved. Arguments w/co-parent could ruin a whole evening. Still in between places herself. Not established in any way really. Remember, I was DATING like I was married so you know what I did RIGHT?
Yup. Put on the cape.
Edit: If you read what was here before, I got new information so this part gets this revision...
I moved it. It BELONGS HERE but I don't want to give it SHINE HERE.. So I'll put it somewhere else. Where it will be seen.
Read the link. You'll see why. As much spotlight as I'm going to give that time period in this fashion is there.
These are some of the things that I've learned over the last 10 years:
No longer will I let it eat me up because of 'boundaries' or 'feelings'. Either you are ready or you aren't. I've already ASSUMED YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL TOO so I can take your past. I have that in me.
I found out, reaffirmed, learned, practiced MANY MANY MANY THINGS during this last 10 years. Things my parents taught me, I saw for myself or just learned on my own. Things that were shown to me prior to these 10 years but that I thought I had NO USE FOR EITHER EVER OR ANYMORE. Boy, was my ass wrong...
Some of these include but aren't limited to:
I was right in 2009. I went against ALMOST EVERYONE'S wishes AND thoughts on this one. I'd not have been able to take care of my kids the way I am now. Nurturing was natural. The actual WORK needed practice. That was the time I got to practice it. Who knew....
....I knew. That's fucking who. I knew. I don't know EXACTLY how I knew though. Or maybe I did and I don't like admitting that here. It may hurt a bit to admit that here. Well, would you look? I think I just did...
I'll get through it. Period.
I have enough. Yeah. That. Wanting something is one thing. Needing and having enough is another. I got it. I thought I'd never need that skill again. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I am enough. I thought I wasn't for awhile sitting on that couch. For real. It was REAL. It's what draws me to me people who are down and need love. More on that in a few..
It wasn't my fault. I've had someone try to tell me it was. A few folks actually...
That's not mine to carry. Since I am drawn to people that need love and may have been through some things, this was something that I needed to revisit. Reaffirm. Learn. Whatever you want to call it.
That which IS MINE TO CARRY because I'm an active party, pick it up. Carry it until I can't anymore.
My approach of treating people like they aren't possessions isn't very popular. Apparently, giving people space and freedom is frowned upon. They don't feel loved without feeling possessed. Or at least feeling you want to possess them. I've seen the flip. I believe it is referred to as 'controlling'. Can't win here it seems.
I can love. This one was tough. I wasn't sure at the VERY BEGINNING. I'm POSITIVE NOW.
I will get hurt. It happens man. Nothing ventured. Nothing gained.
I can get back up. I wll get back up.
I will love again. I don't have to script it out either.
That VERY DIM light I see at the end, I CAN GET TO IT.
More people rely on their intuition than I thought. Even when the score is 2-2433433. It's amazing to watch. Especially when it comes to my affairs, which is what we are talking about here.
Patience.
Planning works. No planning in 2003 and man. Where would I be. Where would WE BE? Plan people. It's okay. I promise. It works.
Possessions don't replace people. I never thought they did but some people REALLY thought a car was going to make up for what I've been through. No. I say this as a CAR PERSON. Houses neither. Reaffirmed and can confirm, that they don't.
I still will miss her. I still will love her. That doesn't mean I can't love and be in love with someone else. I can love, feel the pain & keep on being me. I was told I couldn't. I can. I've DONE IT. Stay confused if you don't get it because you aren't reading to comprehend.
I don't have long here on this Earth. I've been here a long time. Both are true.
My sense of understanding and patience are still intact. I've been INCREDIBLY PATIENT and understanding. I've learned that I can't change that just because of a situation. Just remove myself from that situation.
I'm not perfect. I'm just me. I'm not changing.
I DO know how to compromise but when compromise looks like CHANGE, I'm just not going to do it. Period.
YOU CAN'T UNSAY SHIT. YOU CAN'T UNSAY SHIT. Say it with me again..YOU CAN'T UNSAY SHIT.
YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO UNHEAR IT IN A WAY THOUGH. You do that through forgiveness. As long as you are mentally tough enough to do it AND/OR you learn not to say shit you can't unsay in the future. It's OKAY if you aren't tough enough though. Just don't expect that shit from anyone else then. I found out that some can't follow any of the rules and seeing as though they all go HAND IN HAND, that's a problem. Which leads me to..
....You can't get around it then leave. The end. You'll know when you can't get around it too. It keeps coming back up in situations that it has nothing to do with. You are automatically as mad as you were the day it happened. It's time to leave. I don't make the rules. I just present them. This applies to things I'm involved in where you think I'm wrong too.
My mental health isn't less important than anyone else's. Not my kids. Not my woman's. Not my mama's. My Daddy's. Nobody's. It's important and not just in the time when others feel I'm lacking and they want to point out what they think I should do. I really had to take time out for me. It's ETCHED IN MY DAY NOW THOUGH. Believe that. Has been since 2014 or so...Before, I couldn't say that I took that time. Sure, I did shit but I wasn't really taking time. You know how I know it's different? It's started to offend people when I take that time. Time I ALWAYS ALLOTTED for others to take. I still allot that time because they deserve it. Not because I don't care or want to be around them. It's not that I didn't care AT ALL ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH. I was just last most times.
This one. Man. So.. so.. SO... SO...MANY THERAPY words/phrases. None of which are supposed to be used to maim and hurt people's feelings. They are simply to be used to help with MY SITUATION. I learned that people don't get that though. They attend a few sessions and think they have to put everyone else on the couch OR turn their diagnosis into YOURS. It doesn't help that rightful awareness is happening. I learned not to talk about my sessions. Not to put them on others. I'm hesitant to call anyone ANTYHING. I'm not hesitant to point out behavior and leave it at that though. I'm no coward. I just hate the misuse of these words/phrases. Someone not doing what you want doesn't make them... You know the word. OH YOU KNOW THE WORD I'M TALKING ABOUT. It just makes them someone who doesn't do what you ask. You decide whether you want to be around them and that's that. You don't even have to CHANGE WHAT YOU WANT. Ask someone else for it shit. Someone will do it. :)
Just how many folks DO NOT OR CANNOT ACCEPT A MAN putting his Life on some sort of 'hold' for his kids ALL WHILE COMPLAINING THAT MEN DON'T DO SUCH THINGS. Some of you couldn't decide if you loved me for it, resented for me it if you didn't have such a man in your kid's lives or what to do with it. I don't even mean just romantically. I HEARD all the things you've said or are saying. Any little bump in the road, you have something to say negatively. Anytime I wasn't there RIGHT when you wanted, it was put on them. It's wild. It's also been WORTH IT. I know I gave them everything I had. I rest easy in knowing that. No matter what even they think. When they get their turn, they can improve on things. :) I didn't need this situation to 'understand what women go through' btw. I don't have that kind of lack of empathy and understanding. It's clear as DAY what someone is sacrificing for their kids/how hard it is/when you should be understanding of it. Gender be damned. I figured that shit out when I was 8 years old. Sorry if you didn't.
Enjoy it. It has a Life Expectancy. Treat whatever it is like it DOES HAVE A LIFE EXPECTANCY. When it's not your turn, it's just not your turn anymore. Period. You gotta let it go & find another one/way/etc. The minute it doesn't look like what it's value and 'brand' says it should look like, that's when you have to prepare to part ways. It's gonna hurt because you wouldn't have invested otherwise if you didn't care. That's okay. I promise. Don't hold on to it too long BUT also have the ability to recognize if it's 'deprciation' is worth the smile it brings to your face in those moments that you can enjoy it. Count how many times it's been there for you and truly see if it's worth it. When it's worth it, IT IS WORTH IT and don't poo poo that. Truly. It's MY CALL THOUGH. That's something I've had to put into play in many situations.
BOTH AND ALL THINGS CAN BE TRUE. A reason is an excuse if you are on the other side of the issue and vice versa.
I can't tell people how to feel but I can respond to how they are feeling accordingly. Save the chitchat. Don't argue with them about how they feel. Just act accordingly. That may look like an apology or it may look like removing myself from the situation. Or both. This applies to everyone. My kids included.
So many times, I've had to do what I needed to do for me DUE TO the situation and let me tell me.. the reactions. Reactions that may VERY WELL BE those other folk's truth too. Even those in the situation. Still. I have to do what I have to do and they do too. All things can and will be true. My only issue here with this is I'm upfront with the information....
Finally, the one of the most important things I have had to lean on in the last 10 years?
The power of music for ME. Me. Not you. Me. Not for everyone else. For me. Read it again. Don't project. In any way. Just read it.
MY LOVE FOR MUSIC HAS GOTTEN ME THROUGH. So many songs have you'd THINK would be ruined for me? Nope. What I found out was that I had so many OTHER CORE memories with these songs that not even certain songs conjure up those feelings you think they would. I've always loved music. I just happened to play some songs when she was alive. They were MY SONGS before she came along in '98 and mine long after. Ditto, to any songs in between then and now.
IT'S MY MUSIC. It belongs to nobody else so NOBODY can ruin a song for me. NOBODY. I love that. Truly as music is my therapy. I'm playing music RIGHT now..(Kenny Loggins- Heart To Heart if you must know..) Can I use certain songs during times I need it? Yes. The song is still the song though. One I'm always going to enjoy. Then again, I play slow jams when I work out so there's that..lol
Talk nice to me when you ask/speak to me about being 'healed' or not knowing what 'healed' means? Got it? Good.
So many more but these stand out in this moment.
It's been 10 years and I remember sitting in that graveyard thinking:
'How am I going to do THIS ONE?"
This is how. You just do it. You cry along the way. You get things done. You live Life. Then you look up and see...
10 years have gone by... I don't visit that gravesite because she's not really there. My last real time was 2015. Two of my girls can drive. The end. Do what you will with that.
She's not in our backyard at the old house that is miles away from my current home. She's gone. GONE. GONE. I'm allowed to go though. I know I am. It's just not for me to do personally.
You have NO days you don't think about her with human beings running around your house looking and acting like her. That you made with her. That just doesn't happen. You don't 'dwell' on it though. Everything doesn't revolve around it and there are DAYS when it's not even spoken.
Then, some days, it's hard. That's it. You DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON OTHERS though. That's not what we do over here. We might need a minute but 9.995 times outta ten, we took that moment and BEEN moved on long before you know it. That could be a problem for someone who needs to be someone's everything I suppose. I get that.
I had a timetable set in my head for a few things. Some have happened. Some got derailed because Life isn't perfect. I can think of two in particular that actually are the polar opposite of each other.
Ironically enough, they both are still on the table. Funny how that works out. Life is going to Life and after 10 years, I'm still here. I just might make it to 'me time'.....correction.. FULL TIME 'ME' time...
Or maybe this was what I was put here to do... Only one way to find out.
To keep going..
Miss ya kid. Hope you found your peace.
I know you've LAUGHED your ass off, YELLED FOR YOUR BABIES when they've done well, SHOOK YOUR HEAD IN DISGUST, gotten choked up and all of things in between watching me do this. Trust me. Just like you would if you were here.
Truly believe you sent some Hell my way too, knowing I'd be fine. I mean I thought I followed the rules. @ no Spanish ladies/our talks in the past. I think I know what rule I broke though.. My bad. I taught you that & here you are returning the favor... I see you.
Love you.**
* Life IS LIFING is my way saying it was happening and it was bad. LIKE IT DOES FOR EVERYONE SOMETIMES. I know y'all know. We all have had our moments where it's like 'Shit... WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN MAN?
**Dear whomever,
This is public. You didn't 'discover it' or 'find it". Nobody is 'hiding'. It's PURPOSEFULLY written out to be SEEN. Know that. I don't care WHO SEES IT. Seriously. I want it to be seen. There are SO MANY CLUES IN THE DAMN BLOG TITLE THAT GIVE AWAY WHOSE BLOG THIS IS. Don't be cute & try to act like you sussed some shit out. You didn't.
Any person who is interested in me in THAT WAY: This is it. I KNOW I warned you about how honest I am. Hopefully, you are this honest with me. I do not nor have I ever done LIP SERVICE. I do things this way. Read the dates. You can see this isn't new.
If I have"sent" you here, this is where I see if you really want the honesty that you claim you seek OR you love to read.
We ALL LOVE TO SAY WE WANT HONESTY. Here it is. Are you about it or no? Send me to your stuff. Tell me all about your past. Let me know what I'm getting into. Please. I welcome it. Also, know if I 'send you here', it's probably because you've questioned me & I want you to have a better picture. It's not to 'destroy you' or be mean. I'm giving you the clarity you seek. Embrace it. She's a part of what happened. I'd hope that me showing that I'm capable of loving someone else would be a plus. I don't 'yearn for her' because she IS GONE. She ain't coming back. I didn't need 10 years to realize that. I realized that that day I put her in the ground. Hell, the day I PICKED HER UP OFF THE GROUND when I found her dead.
Guess who is still here though?
Me.
The person you are interested in.
I'm still here.
You aren't competing with her. At all. Not on some cute shit either.
It's YOUR TURN.
Just like it is MY TURN in your life.
The Latter: I hope you got the clarity and enjoyment you sought. :)
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