(Words) This first of 'Firsts' X Jane would have been 35 years old today X Happy Birthday

I'm not even gonna sit here and PRETEND that we had 'all out bashes' for her birthday. We didn't. IF she even took off work that day, she would maybe go lay out in the backyard, sleep in a little bit, go to the spa or something like that during the day..

WHAT WE DID DO was have cake made by her sister. If you know me in real life, then you KNOW ALL ABOUT MEL MEL and her 'Ace of Cake' (That's what I have dubbed them) type joints. We would, of course, EAT WHATEVER Jane wanted that day for dinner and IF she felt inclined to eat breakfast, I would COOK whatever she wanted....how she wanted and bring it to her.

Of course when Jane and I were 'younger', we would GO OUT and do what young adults do. Dance and party. She did that with her girls at some point around her birthday as well. That's pretty much it. Probably pretty typical stuff that most folks do on or around their birthday if they celebrate it...


.....now that I've gotten all of that out of the way for you folks who were privy to a sliver of our life and would be saying in the back of your head 'He's acting like they used to do.....XYZ' we can get down to the business of the post. Or rather I can.

I always used to tell her that while today (June 24th) was the day she was 'born' and it was 'her' day, I much rather prefer to spread the love and affection out over the course of the year. That's why I could 'step aside' if she wanted to go out with her friends for 'one night' or could take the 'kids' while she went out and did whatever made her feel special on her day. 'Cause I was going to show it the other 364.... 

That is what I am mourning today. The fact that I can't 'celebrate' another year with her on the face of the Earth for another 364. Of course, during that time, there are days when 'no celebrating' went on as we weren't 'perfect' so don't take the words 'literally' in that sense. Just take them to mean that if I felt like doing something special, I didn't wait until Christmas, Valentine's Day, HER BIRTHDAY to do it. I just did it. Whenever I felt like it. 

I can't do that now. The day is important to me..don't get me wrong.. it is. It is just that it drives home the point that she won't be around the days after.... The days that I liked to take to show her that she was pretty damm special. That's all... 

My kids, who are well...kids... DO RECOGNIZE these days with GREAT REVERENCE so I feel bad for them as they are still in the infantile stages of learning what is like to show someone they love them consistently. They take these days as the pinnacle of that love so for them not to be able to show their mother that love in the physical is no fun. 

This 'first time', even with the words I typed up top, is cumulative in that without THIS DAY, none of the other 'firsts' happen. Understand that I know that without it.... 

No birth, no wedding. 

No birth, no holidays. No kids. No BIRTHDAYS FOR THEM. 

No birth, no 'regular' days that I loved the most. 

So even within my love of the regular days that I shared with her, I will take the time to give this day its just due.* I will reflect, as many of you who knew her will, on different times and memories. 

I guess this is the time where I'm supposed to hit y'all with words 'cherish', 'tell folks you love 'em' and all of those other nice cliches. Something tells me that I won't have to wrap them up in a sentence for those of you reading this time... 

Very thankful that I played 'Paparazzi' Jane,  as you used to call me. Lotta memories captured. Thank you for allowing me to show you what I always 'saw' in you and for accepting it as my way of saying certain things. For accepting me for me. For allowing me to love you for you. We both learned that from each other. Thank you for that. 

Without you, I wouldn't know some other great folks too and together we share a LIFETIME of memories of you. 

Definitely left me with some blessings in regards to the kids. Thank you for helping from the start in raising all of three of them. Lots of sacrifices. You made me promise to make them 'better' than both of us and I will. Thank you for backing me in the creed of being 'their parents' FIRST and maybe....just maybe their friend a little later. That other promise you made me make in regards to the middle child in particular? Done. Actually, all the promises you made me make in regards to each one individually? Done as well. We spoke about letting one 'go' but staying in the wings and that has happened. The other one is RIGHT ON COURSE... I got you Juana. Thank you for giving her to me in the first place. :) Just wish you were here to enjoy her. She's everything we said she was gonna be when she came out of the womb.... 



Happy birthday Jane. Miss you. Love you. 



*And will do so for the other folks I've lost... 

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(Words) "I'm just tired....." : Published on 6/11/13 12:06 AM

I was watching the Dr. J documentary tonight, GREAT DOCUMENTARY BY THE WAY, and he was speaking on his brother's death....


He got to the hospital just in time to hear him utter those words...


I almost had to cut the TV off. I made it through the first showing of the documentary okay though 'cause I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT. 

The second showing though.....


As soon as he said it, I had to turn it off. (Luckily, I recorded it...)


Now as a child, I had 'heard' about folks saying that. I even remember my Nan Momma standing up in church, telling her Pastor that it would be her last Sunday in church.....


"I'm tired and I feel like the Lord is ready to take me to be with my husband...I'm ready. So I'd like to thank y'all and tell you that I love you.."- My Nan Mama to her congregation. 

Those three words are something that I got used to 'hearing' over the last 14 years. At FIRST, I thought it was physical fatigue as the person uttering those words worked 2 jobs, PLAYED JUST AS HARD AS SHE WORKED and had a child/raised another one with me. I found out pretty quickly that it wasn't that. 

She was essentially telling me that she was ready to ..... She was prepping for the day that she could no longer......

The look on Julius's face as he recounted the story of his brother....the realization, even after ALL OF THESE YEARS.....that he was being told that. To have to come to grips with that as it BECAME REALITY... I felt his pain. I remember the day that I realized not only what she was saying but that she was serious about this. 

I know that pain. 

I know I'm not alone in knowing that pain but we aren't talking about that now are we? We are here on MY BLOG so yeah.. we are probably gonna talk about how 'EYE' feel. 

That tiredness. No one can seem to understand it. 

I can.... 

...I can also understand how you can feel that way and how it feels to dig DEEP....DEEP....DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF to keep going. Long after ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE QUIT. Long after the 'I don't know how you are doing it..' type attitudes would have really permeated things. 

The 'tiredness' doesn't come when you think it normally would. Those 'big days'. Naw.. There is pain on those 'big days' but NOTHING LIKE THE DULLING PAIN THAT DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES BRING. 

Nothing like the sting of not having THAT someone to talk to while the rain pours down on your house long after the kids have gone to sleep. Not that the conversations were marathon sessions either. Sometimes they were as brief as a head nod, a smile....a gentle brushing away of a wisp of unruly hair. A palm of the head. Or just the simple act of sitting next to that person in silence...enjoying the silence together. 

Not that folks don't 'fill voids' or provide some support. They do. It is just that when the person you have been used to having around when you'get tired' is no longer around........it is tough. You don't wanna lean too hard on anyone else 'cause what if they 'get tired too'? What if they don't 'understand' like they claim they do? Especially when you are mourning the loss of 'that' someone. You can't get 'mad' when they don't get it no more than they can't get mad at you when you can't 'make them get it'. 

This fight.... man this fight.....IT IS A TOUGH FIGHT. So many different angles. So many different things to worry about. 

Sometimes I take solace in knowing that there are other folks have had to sit by helpless to their loved ones plight. Their fate. Knowing it wasn't going to end well and that whatever the circumstances were....that they would have to live with the pain and suffering for the rest of their own natural lives.


I saw that pain that the Angel of Death can bring in Dr.J's eyes. 

It is the same pain I have in mine.... the same one that is in my children's eyes. Good times wash over our faces and they are truly good times. Temporarily covering the pain... 

They mask the 'I'm just tired' in our faces though. Sometimes, I have to put them (the kids) all on my 'back' figuratively and literally.I just don't know if I can trust anyone else enough....

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Hubby watching porn online finds film starring his wife - Emirates 24/7

 This would be the death of most of you though...I can tell just by how you tweet. Your little perfect fantasy World would be ruined. All the 'fantasy' you had built up in your head. Thinking you are 'winning' 'cause you don't have to 'fathom' the thought of your girl having sex with anyone else. All the 'bragging' about that you have done and....AND....you found out out of curiosity on what PORN EVEN LOOKED LIKE under the guise that your 'woman' couldn't POSSIBLY HAVE DONE ANY SORT OF FILMING? Damm it, why couldn't this happen to someone young and black? (Yeah..I said it..) I would LOVE TO SEE THE EGO DEFLATED IN THAT MANNER. All that hoe talk ya'll do...


Interesting that she didn't tell him btw ONLY BECAUSE she was EQUALLY AS POMPOUS enough to that she found a man who would NEVER FIND OUT she did that 'cause he 'just wasn't into that kinda stuff anyway...'.... Hilarious. (Oh you thought I wasn't going to go in on her? Wrong! ) 


Now I'm not THAT MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE. I feel bad the dude found out the way he did but honestly....


I live in the real World. The one where folks do what they did until you came along. @ having a past. I ain't about to sit up and judge someone's past I am just now finding out about some AT LEAST 16 YEARS AGO. Probably longer because he was an ex and then THE CURRENT COUPLE HAD A RELATIONSHIP.. We are almost talking two decades here folks. I know some of you can't fathom that because you have barely been on the EARTH for that long/are just really starting out doing things for yourself that long but that is a LONG TIME. It was a long time ago. Should it hurt? Yes. However, if he was truly as happy as he said, it will dissipate. As I also know 'grown relationships', I'm pretty sure he has his fair share of things that had to be 'forgiven' as NOBODY IS PERFECT nor do the enter into a Union that way... This isn't Fantasy Island.....




Hubby watching porn online finds film starring his wife - Emirates 24/7

Hubby watching porn online finds film starring his wife

An Egyptian man who went online to watch a porno film for the first time got the shock of his life when he found that the woman in the film was his own wife.
The man, identified as Ramadan, instantly collapsed in disbelief on the floor at an internet shop before coming round and rushing home to face his unfaithful wife.
The woman first denied his allegations and started to swear at him, prompting her husband to face her with the film.
Unable to deny it any more, she confessed to have betrayed him with her pre-marriage boy friend, telling him she had never loved him although they had four children during their 16-year marriage.
“I found 11 films showing my wife in indecent scenes with her lover….it was the first time I watched a porno film and I did this just out of curiosity,” Ramadan told Egyptian newspapers at his house in the northeastern province of Dakhalia.
“She first denied it and accused me of being insane before I faced her with the films…she then confessed to be still in love with her boyfriend, saying he is as young as her and that I am an old man.”
Ramadan said he had been happy during his marriage life until he logged on to that website. Newspapers did not say whether he decided to divorce her.

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