Merry Christmas!

One of the best ones I've had in almost 7 years. Not because I got a lot of stuff. Not because of what I gave necessarily either. Both things happened though. 

It was great because....

...it was stress free. I could just enjoy it. Enjoy my kids. Enjoy family. Enjoy the moments. No drama. No fake shit or folks pretending to do something they didn't want to do. Genuine love. Definitely got out to see folks too so I wasn't in the house just sitting. It was good to get out. 

This is how they all should be. They may not all be this way but this definitely what I've been looking for. Comfort. Security. Stability. No super highs and super lows. Just even Life with normal issues.

Were people missed? They SURE WERE. This is the FIRST Christmas my Mama isn't here for me, even if she was sick. She's not here. I could at least call her or video chat her before and have some form of communication. Can't do that now but through.... 

Even with that, this was still a good time. Granddaughter's first Christmas where she can sort of grasp what's happening. She's running around. Opening gifts. Having fun. Playing with her new stuff and of course, the boxes. Definitely worthy memories.  

Now, to get watching some of these games this week then back to the return of my youngest daughter out of protocol. Girl is hungry and can't wait to hoop again. I look forward to her return to play as she realized how much it means to HER. Not to me. Not to her coach. Not her friends. 

HER. It was hard for her to watch from the side but safety first. No way I was sending her back out there until she was ready. She missed a few important games. Learned some lessons along the way too because even though someone else was at fault, she could make some decisions too that may keep her out of harm's way a little better. Turn that inner need to win for the big picture kind of thing. 

She's more than ready now. Should be interesting to see how things play out. Still have to play the games. Her presence was missed though. From her teammates, to opposing teams and even coaches who don't have to play her on their regular season schedule. Lots of concern about her absence. 

I'll save all the 'New Year' stuff for just that. A post about that.

Enjoy your Holidays people! 

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Intentional I am...

Intentional I'll continue to be. I am intentional when I grant access & I'm equally intentional when I deny it. 

Don't let anyone 'guilt you' into giving them access either by calling you 'arrogant'. Or telling you that you think you are special. It's a trap. Trust me. 

Know you are special, know that THEY KNOW YOU ARE SPECIAL which is why they want access and keep them cut off. Let them continue to have the access that they deserve. 

Which is none. 

Have the days you deserve and keep that kind of stuff out of your Life. 

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My Youngest Child

 I heard the words I've wanted to hear from my youngest child for a minute after a basketball game was over. 

I had SO MUCH FUN.. 

She's so good at it that people sometimes suck the fun outta the damn game for her. 

She just went and played. Let it fall where it may. 

She played great. Period. Highlight assist. Customary 3's. Handles. A little foul trouble though. Not under her control. 

That's it. That's the post. 

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Winter 'depression'.. it's dark but all is not lost!

I'm one of the many who suffer a bit once the clocks 'fall back' and the daylight gets a little scarce. It's not TOO BAD but it does happen. Some call it 'winter depression'. Some call it other things. I call it...

It sucks. 

Now, ALL DOESN'T SUCK ABOUT THIS TIME PERIOD. I just thought I'd address that part first. 

I don't 'love' the holidays but I do LIKE THEM. I don't look in envy at others at what they have. I have my own little things I do around this time of the year. I will go out and visit folks. Covid/Flu might still have me a bit cautious but I'll go out. 

Those that really know me know that this is the time of year of my favorite sport. 

Basketball. 

Been going to ALL THE GAMES. All the scrimmages. All the practices. The season already started for college, NBA and such but now the high school season is upon us. I get to see my babygirl play. 

You might see me out because I don't miss her games. I probably don't look real happy because I'm a focused parent but I promise I wouldn't miss it for the World. (And haven't.. ask around. lol) The other kids love the support too. Everyone can't make these games. I can. So I make sure I support them too and that I'm not one of those crazy parents in the crowd. 

When my last kid is done wtih playing ball, I'll be involved with it on the other side but now? I'm just enjoying the ride. All the 5 am practices are paying off. We don't have to do those anymore. We can just go to regular practice, some training EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE and go live LIFE. 

The kid is excited and focused. Grades are great. Head of her shop in school. She's got options baby! (That won't be the last time you see me type that about her. I promise.) Super proud of that kid man. She just doesn't know how proud. 

So yeah it gets dark and I 'think' I don't want to go anywhere. Then, I see the schedule, not just for her games but other games and out the door we go. 

We do ride to see 'the lights' and stuff too. I don't post much about that. I don't post much about family dinners either but those happen. Might even slip to some warm weather to escape some of this cold in the middle of all the 'seasonal depression' period. We'll see. 

December 21st STILL can't get here fast enough. The days get 'longer' with each passing day after that. Weeks after, when the games are still going on, the daylight last longer and longer. I can't wait. 

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I chose me.

 Today did NOT turn out how I expected. 

Had some household issues with some security stuff and ended up solving 4 problems that were household/Life related. Things that I had been stressing about. I had a plan for these things but certainly didn't think today was the timetable. 

All of them are completely solved and taken care of. 

All because I made one phone call. That one phone call led my down a rabbit hole that solved the next 3 problems. 

Life isn't bad man. Life isn't bad. 

I told you I'd start writing more about the good. 

This was a GOOD DAY. No, it didn't involve someone else or their feelings. Or serving the needs directly of others. 

It involved ME. Some folks will benefit from it but involved me and the issues important to me. These are things I 've taken care for others or bent over backwards to make sure that they were straight. It is finally my turn. 

I chose me. I don't do that often. I'm going to do it more often now though. It's that time. I chose me more in Sept. and ever since then, more days like this are popping up. 

It feels great. Truly. 

That's all I have. Have a good day. 

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Solid weekend.

No drama. You'd think it would be a sad weekend but no. It's just a little reflective. 

Got to honor my Daddy this weekend alone. Took out a few things he left me. They still work well. Fire smooth. Look good. Good sights. He'd have been 83 on the 27th. Nothing is promised and he did a lot while he was here. I've seen why he did it that way awhile ago. Hence me doing some things that may have been frowned upon. You only get to live once. Gotta make it count but be careful too. Delicate balance. 

Overall it was a solid weekend though. 

I'm here for solid weekends. Nothing too crazy. Nothing 'whirlwind' about it. No anxiety. No drama. 

Just a solid weekend. I have had plenty of those. I can be honest and say that's been going on since about...

Doctor said my BP was good last week and asked what I've done differently. I just smiled, gave a wry chuckle and said 'Taking better care of myself these past few months..". 

Here's to more solid weekends. 

It's all working out. Well. Just like I knew it would a few months ago. 

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It's That Time: It's Been 10 Years (Part: Whatever Part I Want It To Be)

11/15/2022

It's been 10 years man. It's a couple of days shy of it anyway but it's here. 

Wow. Let's just say that off the bat. All the folks who are reading this who are a friend, family member, whatever to Melissa, allow me extend my thoughts and prayers to you during this time if it still hits you in a way. I get it. As you suspect. 

I guess for some of you, you are expecting some SUPER GLOOM AND DOOM POST here. There may be a little bit of sorrow in this post but I think you might be surprised to hear a few things. I'm probably just going to let the words take me where they want. It's probably going to be better that way. 

I'm going to get it all the way outta the way and say the fucking obvious. Of course I wish it NEVER HAPPENED. Duh. Feel how you wanna feel about it. It wasn't fun then. It's not fun to think about now. It AFFECTS today. Every day. In my Life anyway. These are just the facts. 

Know someone suffering from Depression? Anxiety? Mental Illness? All of the above? More and indepth stuff? There are plenty of places to go but I'll start nationally. 

Losing someone to Suicide sucks. Period. No matter what. Save your judgements and SMDFTB... 

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

These past 10 years have confirmed everything that I thought about myself leading up to the events happening. EVERYTHING. 

I've come out of it knowing no matter what I face, I can get through it. By it. Around it. Past it. My patience was tested. I couldn't make things 'go faster'. 

I had to WAIT. I'm not here to tell you that people who 'lose their spouse' in other ways aren't hurting. THEY ARE! They may not have wanted it to end. Maybe they DREAMED OF BEING MARRIED WITH KIDS AND DOING IT FOREVER. I get it. I promise. 

They also didn't have it jerked away from them in the middle of the night without any 'true' warning. I spoke on 'knowing things were headed that way" here in the past but I didn't have a PARTICULAR DATE. You usually get a 'court date' at least. A break up text. SOMETHING. I got nothing. Just woke up. Widowed. Period. With kids who needed things explained. With FAMILY MEMBERS looking at me like I did some shit. With whomever else I didn't know who came in contact with my wife outside of me WATCHING. 

Shit is hard. Fuck what you heard. No other way I can say it. 

I GOT THROUGH THAT SHIT. Ya feel me? I'm STILL FUCKING STANDING HERE. These kids aren't perfect but they aren't DEAD EITHER. They have their things that they've got to get past, including some that happened within this last 10 years BUT THEY ARE HERE. 

We are here. Standing. Moving. Living. 

Two of them are "grown", doing their thing. 

Daughter #1 is FULL grown and sorting through her Life. She's a FREQUENT visitor of my blog. It helps her in ways I thought it might but scared me at first. She NEEDED TO SEE THE WORDS you guys see here. No FAIRYTALE shit. She's got several real life situations going on. I'm just here to listen at this point. Provide a place to be maybe until #3 is out. Real Life here man...Even these words, she needs to see them. I get it. No guessing and no pretending with me. I suck at it. 

I speak on having a granddaughter but that's about all I'm going to get into here about on Daughter #2 UNLESS it affects me personally. Even then, limited things I'll say. That said, I'm in a different stage of parenting with them. One where they gotta learn to thrive on their own and I gotta let go. Working on #2. She's on her way to doing her part. Almost there. I'm going to enjoy my grandbaby being in the next room because that is going to change pretty soon. It was a GREAT time & I hope that some core memories were made for her. I know I have them. I don't have a date but I see her looking. The wheels are DEFINITELY in motion. Then there will be just my youngest and I. After that. Just me. 

The "Baby"? She was 5 going on 6 when this all happened. She's about to be 16. She's got her own Life too and I'm probably protective of her the most outside of posting about her sport. She's going to be fine. She's got a plan. A few of them. Of course, I have what I want for her but all the things that I set in place for her, I'm GOOD WITH HER DOING. From her shop to the sport/school thing. She's got OPTIONS BABY. I love that for her. She may not think that but I DEFINITELY DO. I want her to take either one as FAR AS SHE CAN. She can do it. She's got her own things to deal with growing up without a Mama pretty much. This is written for her too. Maybe some things that didn't make sense that she saw, she'll understand better in time. 

I'm going to now talk about what most people honestly come here for. Let's keep it real. Relationship stuff.  How that has been during this time period.  This section is going to be long because it's about ME. The others up top? I'm not going to go but into so much detail about. I've already talked about a bit but I'm going to color in the lines a bit more... 

I remember when I was SO LONELY....SO HURT and I couldn't let anyone in. Hell, I thought I'd NEVER do that again. Ever. It hurt SO BAD. I really can't put into words how bad it was. Days not moving off the couch if it didn't involve my kids. Walking around the gym, working out my muscles but really working out my mind. Playing ball and people saying I was 'there' but not really 'there'. Long showers trying to get the feeling OFF OF MY SOUL. People invited me out but I wasn't really there man. They knew it too. I love them for trying though. Truly. I needed to be by myself. 

So that's what I did. People came to me but I was in my own World. My kids, which most would tell you were before, became my super main focus. I can SEE how many people can say 'Fuck it." I promise you. 

I couldn't do anything but WAIT and feel the feelings. The event wouldn't let me talk to anyone else in that capacity. Yes, there were others around but not like that. I still WORE MY RING FOR ALMOST A YEAR. It didn't stop people from hitting on me and continuing to TRY to talk to me after they heard the story but I wasn't ready. I let them know that with my words, absence and my actions. It was clear. I sat on the couch and cried way more than I went out. When I went out, it was out of routine. I wasn't having a good time really most times. The ratio isn't even close, way more horrible nights than good ones. Days too. Those nights weren't always just about Melissa either. The WHOLE SITUATION was painful. My kids were hurting. My Daddy had JUST DIED the year before. My mama was in her OWN PAIN and I had to watch that from afar. Life was LIFING, YA HEAR ME?* I had a lot going on. 

Hell, I had to readjust my dating range. I wasn't THINKING ABOUT THIS prior to the event. I was SETTLED INTO MARRIED LIFE and all the things that it took to focus on one person. 

I quickly realized that I wasn't...say in my 20s..lmao. It was quite FUNNY LOOKING BACK ON IT but I quickly slid my dating range UP. Settled in on a range. No younger woman. No BABIES. I was still raising babies, fuck I look like bringing another one in? Nope. One problem though. 

I WAS STILL DATING LIKE I WAS MARRIED. I think, from what I've seen on dating sites, the 'ladies' call it 'Dating with a purpose". Yes, I was dating like my 'clock was ticking.' This is important. Remember this point. (Go on ahead and laugh.. I'M FUCKING CHUCKLING as I type this out. Literally. It's the truth though so fuck it. Here we go..) 

I started to venture out more in 2014. Had a nice friend with whom I NEVER SHARED AIR SPACE WITH. Known her before WITH NO TYPE OF THAT KIND OF CHEMISTRY OR TALK before this all happened. Has kids. Kids came first. Doing it by herself for a good minute. 

She WATCHED ME CRY on that couch btw (Video chat people. VIDEO CHAT.). 

She made 3 am phone calls, knowing I was probably sitting right on that couch, awake. 

I was. Wide awake. Typing away. Listening to music. Doing 'work', getting paid but still just existing honestly. 

I watched her go through chemo. They were about to DECLARE HER GONE.. Read it again. Like ..GONE..GONE.. 

You know. Dead? That was NO FUN. 

We've supported each other. They didn't stop making planes but LOGISTICS. Couldn't pursue it. No HARD FEELINGS. Geniune care still there.. 

I hear y'all blabbing about people of the opposite sex can't be friends. I know some of you know what I'm talking about here. You do it all the time. You don't think your partner is capable of it but you DAMN sure trust youself to do it. You've done it. You've put your roster on hold. We know this because your roster POPS BACK after every break up. I'm going to tread lightly here & say that if you did it for someone else AND THEY COULDN'T do it for you, I GET WHY THIS MIGHT BOTHER YOU A BIT. I suspect that some of you aren't feeling like it's possible because of THIS SCENARIO. To the rest of you though, I gotta ask. Were you the person who couldn't 'fall back' completely? Don't be shy..Like that mumbling Tik Tok says.. "SPEAK UP..." Being that person, I can see how you are staunchly against 'friends of the opposite sex'. You can''t do it. Say that though. That or you aren't about to let someone have the fun you were/are having. :) That's another post for another time though....

When she did get a man AND I WAS STILL VERY SINGLE, I STILL FELL BACK AS HER FRIEND because I didn't want to be in the way. I shouldn't have to have do that BUT I know how people get. She still got shit for it but whatever. Like most people, when they want you to tell the other person you are in the picture, he wanted her to DESTROY the friendship. IYKYK. 

Seeing your partner connect with someone that's not you isn't for everyone especially when you know the feeling so you HAVE TO ASK YOUR PARTNER TO DESTROY IT. Right? Riiiiight... 

You don't trust your partner then. Period. 

People are going to do whatever they are going to do is my motto. You are going to cheat on me, you are going to do it. I'm not 'helping' you cheat by 'allowing' A FUCKING GROWN person to manage their own emotions and act accordingly. People are going to LIKE YOU. People are going to be attracted to you and want you. I probably don't want you if THEY AREN'T FEELING THAT WAY if I'm being honest. There is a line but knowing they like you, want you OR WANT TO BE WITH YOU isn't mine. I'm me. That takes care of all of that. 

Also, when you are asked to 'destroy' a friendship and they've told you that they are "friends with all of their exes/on good terms.."? 

RUN. 

They aren't going to end your relationship quietly AND you have proof that they haven't 'destroyed' any of their previous /friendships with people they've been in a relationship with like they wanted you to do. Trust me here..

Anyhow, we kept it platonic. That's just what happened. 

That situation right there LET ME KNOW I COULD CARE FOR SOMEONE again THE WAY THAT I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE. I let people be them. Without holding on to them so tight that I suffocated them out of fear of losing them. 

It showed that I can be happy for them even if they aren't with me or if I'm not the one making them happy. 

That's a true friend to me. I also got to see that I could still fall back, be a real friend and not be messy. Remember, I was HURTING so I could have been out here acting a complete ass. Messing in other people's stuff. Just acting foolish. What was it to me right? I'd have an excuse. I was hurting. I could hide behind that shit. Like MANY MANY OTHER PEOPLE DO when they go through something. 

I was feeling pain so fuck everyone else right? Nah, that's not my spirit. My spirit was still intact. 

It showed that I could hold my end of the boundary too. Until someone is free, they aren't. That's just how it goes. That other stuff where people get jealous over their friend's person, sabotage their stuff, give bad advice or get too handsy, I agree, isn't friendship AT ALL. They aren't respecting things. I KNOW I NEVER DID THAT. No matter what. My existence doesn't denote that so miss me with that insecure shit. Vice versa too. 

Definitely grateful for that experience. It taught me that I could be open. I was worried about that myself honestly. 

Back out into the dating market I went for a bit.... nothing serious. Spring 2015 came and I did find someone locally. I have to take some responsibility for that one not working. I should have SEEN it not going to work. Child under 5 involved. Arguments w/co-parent could ruin a whole evening. Still in between places herself. Not established in any way really. Remember, I was DATING like I was married so you know what I did RIGHT? 

Yup. Put on the cape. 

Edit: If you read what was here before, I got new information so this part gets this revision... 

I moved it. It BELONGS HERE but I don't want to give it SHINE HERE.. So I'll put it somewhere else. Where it will be seen. 

Read the link. You'll see why. As much spotlight as I'm going to give that time period in this fashion is there. 

These are some of the things that I've learned over the last 10 years: 

No longer will I let it eat me up because of 'boundaries' or 'feelings'. Either you are ready or you aren't. I've already ASSUMED YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH HELL TOO so I can take your past. I have that in me. 

I found out, reaffirmed, learned, practiced MANY MANY MANY THINGS during this last 10 years. Things my parents taught me, I saw for myself or just learned on my own.  Things that were shown to me prior to these 10 years but that I thought I had NO USE FOR EITHER EVER OR ANYMORE. Boy, was my ass wrong... 

Some of these include but aren't limited to: 

I was right in 2009. I went against ALMOST EVERYONE'S wishes AND thoughts on this one. I'd not have been able to take care of my kids the way I am now. Nurturing was natural. The actual WORK needed practice. That was the time I got to practice it. Who knew....

....I knew. That's fucking who. I knew. I don't know EXACTLY how I knew though. Or maybe I did and I don't like admitting that here. It may hurt a bit to admit that here. Well, would you look? I think I just did...

I'll get through it. Period. 

I have enough. Yeah. That. Wanting something is one thing. Needing and having enough is another. I got it. I thought I'd never need that skill again. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. 

I am enough. I thought I wasn't for awhile sitting on that couch. For real. It was REAL. It's what draws me to me people who are down and need love. More on that in a few..

It wasn't my fault. I've had someone try to tell me it was. A few folks actually...  

That's not mine to carry. Since I am drawn to people that need love and may have been through some things, this was something that I needed to revisit. Reaffirm. Learn. Whatever you want to call it. 

That which IS MINE TO CARRY because I'm an active party, pick it up. Carry it until I can't anymore. 

My approach of treating people like they aren't possessions isn't very popular. Apparently, giving people space and freedom is frowned upon. They don't feel loved without feeling possessed. Or at least feeling you want to possess them. I've seen the flip. I believe it is referred to as 'controlling'. Can't win here it seems. 

I can love. This one was tough. I wasn't sure at the VERY BEGINNING. I'm POSITIVE NOW. 

I will get hurt. It happens man. Nothing ventured. Nothing gained. 

I can get back up. I wll get back up.  

I will love again. I don't have to script it out either. 

That VERY DIM light I see at the end, I CAN GET TO IT. 

More people rely on their intuition than I thought. Even when the score is 2-2433433. It's amazing to watch. Especially when it comes to my affairs, which is what we are talking about here. 

Patience. 

Planning works. No planning in 2003 and man. Where would I be. Where would WE BE? Plan people. It's okay. I promise. It works. 

Possessions don't replace people. I never thought they did but some people REALLY thought a car was going to make up for what I've been through. No. I say this as a CAR PERSON. Houses neither. Reaffirmed and can confirm, that they don't. 

I still will miss her. I still will love her. That doesn't mean I can't love and be in love with someone else. I can love, feel the pain & keep on being me. I was told I couldn't. I can. I've DONE IT. Stay confused if you don't get it because you aren't reading to comprehend. 

I don't have long here on this Earth. I've been here a long time. Both are true. 

My sense of understanding and patience are still intact. I've been INCREDIBLY PATIENT and understanding. I've learned that I can't change that just because of a situation. Just remove myself from that situation. 

I'm not perfect. I'm just me. I'm not changing. 

I DO know how to compromise but when compromise looks like CHANGE, I'm just not going to do it. Period. 

YOU CAN'T UNSAY SHIT. YOU CAN'T UNSAY SHIT. Say it with me again..YOU CAN'T UNSAY SHIT.  

YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO UNHEAR  IT IN A WAY THOUGH. You do that through forgiveness. As long as you are mentally tough enough to do it AND/OR you learn not to say shit you can't unsay in the future.  It's OKAY if you aren't tough enough though. Just don't expect that shit from anyone else then. I found out that some can't follow any of the rules and seeing as though they all go HAND IN HAND, that's a problem. Which leads me to.. 

....You can't get around it then leave. The end. You'll know when you can't get around it too. It keeps coming back up in situations that it has nothing to do with. You are automatically as mad as you were the day it happened. It's time to leave. I don't make the rules. I just present them. This applies to things I'm involved in where you think I'm wrong too.

My mental health isn't less important than anyone else's. Not my kids. Not my woman's. Not my mama's. My Daddy's. Nobody's. It's important and not just in the time when others feel I'm lacking and they want to point out what they think I should do. I really had to take time out for me. It's ETCHED IN MY DAY NOW THOUGH. Believe that.  Has been since 2014 or so...Before, I couldn't say that I took that time. Sure, I did shit but I wasn't really taking time. You know how I know it's different? It's started to offend people when I take that time. Time I ALWAYS ALLOTTED for others to take. I still allot that time because they deserve it. Not because I don't care or want to be around them.  It's not that I didn't care AT ALL ABOUT MY MENTAL HEALTH. I was just last most times.

This one. Man. So.. so.. SO... SO...MANY THERAPY words/phrases. None of which are supposed to be used to maim and hurt people's feelings. They are simply to be used to help with MY SITUATION. I learned that people don't get that though. They attend a few sessions and think they have to put everyone else on the couch OR turn their diagnosis into YOURS. It doesn't help that rightful awareness is happening. I learned not to talk about my sessions. Not to put them on others. I'm hesitant to call anyone ANTYHING. I'm not hesitant to point out behavior and leave it at that though. I'm no coward. I just hate the misuse of these words/phrases. Someone not doing what you want doesn't make them... You know the word. OH YOU KNOW THE WORD I'M TALKING ABOUT. It just makes them someone who doesn't do what you ask. You decide whether you want to be around them and that's that. You don't even have to CHANGE WHAT YOU WANT. Ask someone else for it shit. Someone will do it. :) 

Just how many folks DO NOT OR CANNOT ACCEPT A MAN putting his Life on some sort of 'hold' for his kids ALL WHILE COMPLAINING THAT MEN DON'T DO SUCH THINGS. Some of you couldn't decide if you loved me for it, resented for me it if you didn't have such a man in your kid's lives or what to do with it. I don't even mean just romantically. I HEARD all the things you've said or are saying. Any little bump in the road, you have something to say negatively. Anytime I wasn't there RIGHT when you wanted, it was put on them. It's wild. It's also been WORTH IT. I know I gave them everything I had. I rest easy in knowing that. No matter what even they think. When they get their turn, they can improve on things. :) I didn't need this situation to 'understand what women go through' btw. I don't have that kind of lack of empathy and understanding. It's clear as DAY what someone is sacrificing for their kids/how hard it is/when you should be understanding of it. Gender be damned. I figured that shit out when I was 8 years old. Sorry if you didn't. 

Enjoy it. It has a Life Expectancy. Treat whatever it is like it DOES HAVE A LIFE EXPECTANCY. When it's not your turn, it's just not your turn anymore. Period. You gotta let it go & find another one/way/etc. The minute it doesn't look like what it's value and 'brand' says it should look like, that's when you have to prepare to part ways. It's gonna hurt because you wouldn't have invested otherwise if you didn't care. That's okay. I promise. Don't hold on to it too long BUT also have the ability to recognize if it's 'deprciation' is worth the smile it brings to your face in those moments that you can enjoy it. Count how many times it's been there for you and truly see if it's worth it. When it's worth it, IT IS WORTH IT and don't poo poo that. Truly. It's MY CALL THOUGH. That's something I've had to put into play in many situations. 

BOTH AND ALL THINGS CAN BE TRUE. A reason is an excuse if you are on the other side of the issue and vice versa. 

I can't tell people how to feel but I can respond to how they are feeling accordingly. Save the chitchat. Don't argue with them about how they feel. Just act accordingly. That may look like an apology or it may look like removing myself from the situation. Or both. This applies to everyone. My kids included. 

So many times, I've had to do what I needed to do for me DUE TO the situation and let me tell me.. the reactions. Reactions that may VERY WELL BE those other folk's truth too. Even those in the situation. Still. I have to do what I have to do and they do too. All things can and will be true. My only issue here with this is I'm upfront with the information....  

Finally, the one of the most important things I have had to lean on in the last 10 years?

The power of music for ME. Me. Not you. Me. Not for everyone else. For me. Read it again. Don't project. In any way. Just read it. 

MY LOVE FOR MUSIC HAS GOTTEN ME THROUGH. So many songs have you'd THINK would be ruined for me? Nope. What I found out was that I had so many OTHER CORE memories with these songs that not even certain songs conjure up those feelings you think they would. I've always loved music. I just happened to play some songs when she was alive. They were MY SONGS before she came along in '98 and mine long after. Ditto, to any songs in between then and now. 

IT'S MY MUSIC. It belongs to nobody else so NOBODY can ruin a song for me. NOBODY. I love that. Truly as music is my therapy. I'm playing music RIGHT now..(Kenny Loggins- Heart To Heart if you must know..)  Can I use certain songs during times I need it? Yes. The song is still the song though. One I'm always going to enjoy. Then again, I play slow jams when I work out so there's that..lol 

Talk nice to me when you ask/speak to me about being 'healed' or not knowing what 'healed' means? Got it? Good. 

So many more but these stand out in this moment. 

It's been 10 years and I remember sitting in that graveyard thinking:

'How am I going to do THIS ONE?"

This is how. You just do it. You cry along the way. You get things done. You live Life. Then you look up and see...

10 years have gone by... I don't visit that gravesite because she's not really there. My last real time was 2015. Two of my girls can drive. The end. Do what you will with that. 

She's not in our backyard at the old house that is miles away from my current home. She's gone. GONE. GONE. I'm allowed to go though. I know I am. It's just not for me to do personally. 

You have NO days you don't think about her with human beings running around your house looking and acting like her. That you made with her. That just doesn't happen. You don't 'dwell' on it though. Everything doesn't revolve around it and there are DAYS when it's not even spoken. 

Then, some days, it's hard. That's it. You DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON OTHERS though. That's not what we do over here. We might need a minute but 9.995 times outta ten, we took that moment and BEEN moved on long before you know it. That could be a problem for someone who needs to be someone's everything I suppose. I get that. 

I had a timetable set in my head for a few things. Some have happened. Some got derailed because Life isn't perfect. I can think of two in particular that actually are the polar opposite of each other. 

Ironically enough, they both are still on the table. Funny how that works out. Life is going to Life and after 10 years, I'm still here. I just might make it to 'me time'.....correction.. FULL TIME 'ME' time... 

Or maybe this was what I was put here to do... Only one way to find out. 

To keep going.. 

Miss ya kid. Hope you found your peace. 

I know you've LAUGHED your ass off,  YELLED FOR YOUR BABIES when they've done well, SHOOK YOUR HEAD IN DISGUST, gotten choked up and all of things in between watching me do this. Trust me. Just like you would if you were here. 

Truly believe you sent some Hell my way too, knowing I'd be fine. I mean I thought I followed the rules. @ no Spanish ladies/our talks in the past. I think I know what rule I broke though.. My bad. I taught you that & here you are returning the favor... I see you. 

Love you.**

* Life IS LIFING is my way saying it was happening and it was bad. LIKE IT DOES FOR EVERYONE SOMETIMES. I know y'all know. We all have had our moments where it's like 'Shit... WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN MAN? 

**Dear whomever,

This is public. You didn't 'discover it' or 'find it". Nobody is 'hiding'. It's PURPOSEFULLY written out to be SEEN. Know that. I don't care WHO SEES IT. Seriously. I want it to be seen. There are SO MANY CLUES IN THE DAMN BLOG TITLE THAT GIVE AWAY WHOSE BLOG THIS IS. Don't be cute & try to act like you sussed some shit out. You didn't. 

Any person who is interested in me in THAT WAY: This is it. I KNOW I warned you about how honest I am. Hopefully, you are this honest with me. I do not nor have I ever done LIP SERVICE. I do things this way. Read the dates. You can see this isn't new. 

If I have"sent" you here, this is where I see if you really want the honesty that you claim you seek OR you love to read. 

We ALL LOVE TO SAY WE WANT HONESTY. Here it is. Are you about it or no? Send me to your stuff. Tell me all about your past. Let me know what I'm getting into. Please. I welcome it. Also, know if I 'send you here', it's probably because you've questioned me & I want you to have a better picture. It's not to 'destroy you' or be mean. I'm giving you the clarity you seek. Embrace it. She's a part of what happened. I'd hope that me showing that I'm capable of loving someone else would be a plus. I don't 'yearn for her' because she IS GONE. She ain't coming back. I didn't need 10 years to realize that. I realized that that day I put her in the ground. Hell, the day I PICKED HER UP OFF THE GROUND when I found her dead. 

Guess who is still here though?

Me. 

The person you are interested in.

I'm still here. 

You aren't competing with her. At all. Not on some cute shit either. 

It's YOUR TURN. 

Just like it is MY TURN in your life. 

The Latter: I hope you got the clarity and enjoyment you sought. :) 

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I've Been Single Since August..

No amount of TikToks, voices in people's heads or empath energy changes that fact. When I'm not single anymore, I won't be. 

Not here to tell anyone else how fast or slow they should move on either. Surely won't let you dictate via therapy words how fast or WHO I should do so with either. You don't get to do that. Good try though. 

I will say this, since you keep coming here. Get outta the past. It's how you doomed your last relationship. 

Do you. Over there. 

Thanks, 

Management. 

*Looks at the tracker* 

11/21/2022

Edit: This was put in a place that I still think fits but that these two don't DESERVE to be in that place. 

I gave a pretty nice version of what happened in 2015 up until now but since people want to lie and speak on me at length on different platforms, I'll just respond here. It works better. 

We are going to let them lie. Why? 

They contradict themselves every time and the lies unravel. You can't possibly be living your best life, not be thinking about your ex ALL WHILE texting anon shit to/stalking your ex boyfriend. Especially while you have a man. Or while you are married. Oh, he came to you? Ya sure? According to here and this anon Instagram profile you admitted to being behind, I dunno. Provide where he came to you. You can't. I never do. That's why you are mad. I don't chase. I give chances though. But you do... You chase. Harass... 

I digress though because: 

Those that want to believe these two nuts because they've experienced things will believe. Those that can see through the bullshit will see it. No post is going to change that. They will keep living. I'll keep living. Knew neither one of them 7 years ago & they had PLENTY OF PROBLEMS then. All on public record. I don't have to lie about that. Anyone who REALLY KNOWS THEIR NAMES can attest to that. 

It was why anyone who knew me got mad at me for dealing with them in the first place. They knew. They didn't fully say but they knew. Wait, YOUR AUNT TAMMY KNEW. She tried to tell me at the first dinner. You got so mad.. I see why. She wasn't lying.. @ "Make sure you don't run this one off" comment she made IN FRONT OF ME to you. 

The other one? I didn't want to believe that she was just seeking revenge on the Father of her child for things he 'did'. As well as still go against her Father's wishes as far as who she dated. In hindsight, it's REALLY OBVIOUS but then? I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I should have just treated her as someone casually and that's it. We could have accomplished what she wanted had she just told me. Without involving other people. 

 

They really didn't have an audience before this weekend and it was driving them nuts. Or at least my attention directly that they could see.

So they poked the Bear. On purpose. Then mocked the Bear when it reacted. Sounds like a certain type of activity. 

Pictures SENT TO MY PHONE DIRECTLY VIA AN UNKNOWN NUMBER of one of them hugged up after the breakup didn't do it. I knew you were hoeing the whole time ma'am. You've admitted as much in text many times and your current attitude towards things backs it up. Careful where you lie. Keep it to those cute as Tik Tok videos.  

No response from me. 

Screenshots of Instagram stories sent in the same way didn't do it. 

No response from me. 

Phone calls from random numbers..

No response. 

They brought out the heavy hitters. My children and this time of year. 

They waited for THIS weekend & got a little shine because it is a rough time. 

They got a response FINALLY. They are over there snickering all about it now. Huddled up in text conversation. Congratulating each other for 'being strong" for speaking out and shit. About damage they caused. Baggage they brought to me. About me being the root to their problems. Problems they had before me and continue to have. 

They mocked the death & the experience after it. As per their usual when I was with them. Oh, they gave the fake love during that time and in public only to mock it soon after in private. 

They did it mainly behind the scenes though. 

I bring out all the things they've said ,with evidence JUST HERE, they get ALL THE ATTENTION they want. @ screenshots and stuff. 

No need. 

We'll play the long game here. Let's see if that's really what's good. I have every conversation. Not because I'm obsessed but you can't dispute what you typed. Facts over fiction and make believe. Folks who love to lie love to make fun of you for keeping information. It makes the lies harder to pull off. They make fun of you enough, you erase the truth and boom. They get to continue to do what they do. 

Bravo Ladies. Bravo. Well done. Looks like you had your fun. I won't be 'killing myself'' anytime soon though. Like you suggested I do. (It's IN writing but go ahead... lie. You'll be believed just off your skin tone. You know it too..Use those privies you two 'allies'.). I remember a time when you both were at that point though. Be careful. You BOTH cried in my arms and one of you put it in text. Be careful now.. 

You guys could NEVER make me do that. Not you. I got through what I got through despite your presence. I surely wouldn't stop now. I won't be killing myself anytime soon thanks. 

I'm the narcissist though. @ what you two are doing. I'm the one that needs therapy according to you two? 

Okay. 

Let's see if it was worth it in the long run...

It isn't as if anything I can say to the two narcisstic people is going to change their minds. They've been trying to get my attention for the better part of 3 months with all the tactics above. They let it ALL OUT this weekend. 

I'll sit on what I've learned. A blog post is light. I could make it not light but eh..

Perhaps the information in other hands might though do some things... The Internet you can log off from..It's real Life though & at least one of them knows this first hand. They've almost lost everything behind it that but apparently they forgot. 

Let's see where the information ends up. Since this is all for 'kicks'. Let's REALLY make it for 'kicks'. No crying though and playing victim okay?  Give it a minute though.. 

We'll see... 

Enjoy the attention you got this weekend ladies. I got all the confirmation I need as to why you both got blocked and cut off. 

Back to radio silence for both of you. Yes, both of you. You both came over to see what I had to say and have been for months.. Nobody came to you first. You came to me. In multiple places. Go ahead and lie to the people though. 

Like you always do. Both of you. 

The story will be told. One way or another... Compare notes and get back to playing relationship games and living vicariously through the other one's game playing since you are now married, respectively... '

May both of you somehow manage not to affect your children with the ugly hearts you both have. @ what you've said about my kids. Grown or not. Good luck with all of that. We know how that turns out.. 

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Good Days, Why They Don't Often Make It To The Blog & More....

 I just wanted to address this topic. As with all topics, I may visit it again. I know this blog is a very emotional place. Full of the 'downs' of my Life mostly, with smatterings of how I (Or we sometimes..) cope with them. In those tidbits are rays of good but not usually a post that just says 'THIS IS GOOD.. LET ME SHARE..". 

Why? I unpacked that a bit and the conclusion that I came up with is that I'm usually too busy enjoying the good moments to write them down in the way I do the painful ones for sure. I also just don't share those things because I don't necessarily feel like folks receive good news as a whole very well. It's sort of glossed over AND all good news isn't exactly something I want to invite people into. The other factor is people don't usually look for guidance, solace, or hope through the posting of good acts solely. They usually need to hear how you got through the adversity so that's what I give here. 

That said, plenty of good times happen in between these difficult and trying times I post on here. Yes, that includes the last 10 years. I did open up about my daughter's graduation and...NOPE... WE AREN'T DOING THAT. Positive post here. :) Almost slipped up there. Human. 

Anyhow, there are plenty of good things going on. I've been places. Done things and had wonderful times with folks. It hasn't been all gloom and doom. There's no need to act like it has been. I might share a few here now and again. Some of that stuff, surprise surprise, is even too private for me to share and I share SOME STUFF. This falls under the file of "I may NOT SHARE.." 

For some, this is a place where I just 'get to be the victim' and I'm the villian in their villian story. You got it. I'm not addressing that utter nonsense in this post anymore than with these two sentences. Another time man. Another time. 

I know, due to the visits, there are wants and desires for me to speak on a certain subject. In depth and detail. Like I have before at times. With a certain someone else. That's up to me. Perhaps if we were on terms where you could ask me, you'd just know and not have to come here to read it but we aren't. We all can't know everything. You'll deal. There might be EVERYTHING TO TELL or NOT A DAMN THING AT ALL. Some things you are just going to have to go with whatever narrative you've come up with in your heads. It wasn't like you weren't going to do that anyway so me elaborating or telling things is a futile thing. I've enjoyed keeping that under wraps for the last say 4 years relatively on all of my other platforms and only really releasing tidbits here. It's not about needing to prove anything either way honestly. It's just really my choice as to whether to talk about things or not. Good or bad. The rest of the good things may get talked about here but we'll see. 

My DEFAULT for writing here is to talk vaguely about what I may or MAY NOT BE GOING THROUGH AT THE TIME I'VE WRITTEN SOMETHING. Sometimes, HELL MOST TIMES before 2012, it was NEVER ABOUT ME or what I went through. It was about what I'd seen or helped people through. Any time I wanted to talk about myself SPECIFICALLY, I'd just say that and it was taken as my word. Loss of Life and tragedy swayed the direction a bit & it's become much more current in nature when I post. I'm not here to tell you that it hasn't. It has. There were certain things that at play that helped push it in that direction too. 

The other side of me still EXISTS THOUGH. The side that likes to share what I know, seen or been through that I'm NOT GOING THROUGH NOW. Thus, it has and will show here more. You've seen it recently in some capacity. 

Am I 'okay'? Today, in this moment, I am. I have to allow myself to be that so, like all of you, I can continue to do Life like we all have to do. It comes and goes. Like anything else. Doesn't mean tomorrow I will or won't be okay. At present, I also don't do daily postings so if I'm not okay tomorrow, it might be weeks, months or years before that is ever truly known.

I know that doesn't satisfy many folks need to know and that's the beauty of it. I don't have to be a slave to that. I can do it how I want to. Either you will read or you won't. Either way, I'm going to write it. 

Any pure intentions to check on me via this medium are met with the sincerest thanks and gratitude. Any unpure intentions to misunderstand, make it about you or any of that other shit I rebuke. Period. 

I'm calm. All is quiet. I'm living and minding my business over here. Like always. 

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Then There Were none.... Mama's Death.

I hate that I have to give this disclaimer for the MANY MANY MANY rabble rousers and insecure people of the World but here we go...

I'm not the only person who has lost a parent. Some have lost them sooner. Some NEVER HAD THEM IN THEIR LIVES PERIOD. I've ALWAYS felt empathy for those in those and any other variation of this situation. I didn't need to lose them to just 'suddenly understand.' 

Thanks, 
Management. 

Now that we've gotten that business outta the way.... This is going to look a little different than when my Father passed. I would stop short of calling it 'growth' though. It's just going to look different. Different times. Same love. Much more FINALITY. 

Now there are none. My mama quietly slipped away in the wee hours of the morning of August 13th, 2022. She was living where she desired, even after my Father's death and that's that. I even made sure she'd get to stay as long as she wanted to solo until the time came that she couldn't. That's all I'm going to say about that here. Period. The rest is probably too personal AND it won't bring her back so there's that. 

What I am willing to talk about is this. For the better part of 10 years, I heard her say she couldn't wait to be with my Daddy again.

The look on her face told me that not only he was waiting on the other side but a whole lot of peace was waiting on her too. She couldn't talk but she could hear and express with her eyes. Her eyes said it all.  I caught her up on some things. Showed her some pictures and videos. She got to see her great grandchild as well as my 3 girls. There was a little bit of energy exchanged there that I can't quite do justice with words other than the ones I just typed but it was definitely a moment. The baby climbed up in her lap. That should tell you everything you need to know about that. 

I ended up coming back down to see her about 4 am or so. Sat in the dark with the Moon providing light like it was some scripted movie but it wasn't. It was just how it happened to go. Told her some things I had already told her but thought she should hear. Including that her job was done here. She could go. There's a smile that eventually formed on her face. She tried to speak but couldn't. I let her know it was okay to not & to not fight it. I just continued to talk to her as she slowly faded away. Her eyes got glassy and she began to get a little colder but she still had a pulse. I know because I was checking it every three minutes at first. I must have spent a good 40 minutes doing that until there was no pulse to check.. It was just.... I don't have the words. I also know I wouldn't have missed doing that for nothing. There is no perfection. Just how things are going to go. This is how this Life between my mama and I played out. I know what she did, her intentions and her Love. That's all I'm entitled to know. Same with her. 

I'm not here to tell you that you need to reconcile with your parents here btw if you happen to be estranged from them for whatever reason. You need to do what's best for you to live your Life & if there's distance that you felt you needed, take it. So we are clear. I'm just talking about my experience. I was fortunate enough to clear some air a long time ago & reconcile the things that couldn't get cleared up in order to keep living my Life. I do know that's not going to be everyone's story. It's just how it goes. 

I can't tell you with certainity that this is the only time I'll write about this. About the whirlwind of emotions and the normal stuff that comes with putting your loved one to rest. Just look at how long it took me to write this. Took the scenic route on the way home by I-77 and then up I-81. Tough ride but beautiful ride home. Saw lots of signs in the sky. Felt the spirit of both of them on that ride up. 

Good news? She's no longer suffering & she is where she's always wanted to be. That's one thing I did like about her dementia. She wasn't worrying over me. I hated that she did that knowing it was my race to run and not hers. I love that she no longer has ANY WORRIES. 

Much like my Daddy's death, there are happy days full of memories and days full of heaviness that aren't going to go away. Dealing with her dementia in regards to her missing my birthday was one thing. Feeling like an orphan is another. I'm literally the trunk of the family tree here when before my role was to be a strong branch. I'm not worried about being strong enough to carry it until I can't. I worry about the pain that's going to have to be endured while doing it. I'll deal with all of that though. 

I love you Mama. 

*I should have spellchecked this. I didn't. I left it the way it came out. One shot. No edit.... 

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Sitting In The Drafts Series: Update: Dating while widowed...

Published date: 9/17/21 11:46 AM

This series is a new one. Thoughts I had in real time that I didn't publish for one reason or another..

THIS IS ONE EXPERIENCE. THIS IS ONE EXPERIENCE. THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE. THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE. Others may vary. I can only speak on mine. Read it again before you feel a way. READ IT AGAIN BEFORE YOU FEEL A WAY.  

Being widowed is something that I WISH I could not identify with AT ALL. No matter how you are thrust into the situation, you could never imagine the amount of crap it comes with. 

Do you tell people? Do you not tell people? Do you correct people when they assume (Rightfully so..) that your children's parent is alive? Do you even bother to put it in your status only to 'spring it on someone' later on?

Is your 'life' over? Do you deserve someone else? Shit, can you even GET SOMEONE ELSE TO STAY? 

The shit is endless and almost seems HOPELESS, until, YOU FIND SOMEONE. Hell, you find SEVERAL SOMEONES and now, it's back to the basics of dating briefly. You find out you have choices. You think, okay, this is SIMILAR to anyone else who is dating. Divorced. Regular relationship breakups, etc. Sure, there's baggage and things that the other person has to deal with but my former mate is in the ground, this finna to be a BREEZE. This isn't like a divorce/breakup where I could always go BACK TO THE PERSON. This is usually everyone's biggest fear right? Going BACK TO THE PERSON before. I literally can't do that. There's no threat. 

That is until you realize that most people feel like they are competing against a ghost. A ghost's who has been eulogized. A relationship that usually is well documented so the person coming in KNOWS the capabilities of the person that they are pursuing. I'm starting to realize that no matter WHAT I DO, there's always going to be some form of that with someone. A snide remark about 'Not being her..". A reference to 'What you are used to...". The remarks out of anger that people make. Of course, I respond so this isn't about me being an angel. I also have limits. I don't pick at folks's old wounds like that.  The thing about suicide though it is if you belong to certain religions, you may feel like you can speak glibly about my situation on some moral shit. All while posting shit about your own mental health. You can say certain things and they be justified. That's the kind of thing that's not going to sit well with me. Especially if you are out here committing a vast majority of the Sins in the Good Book yourself. Having sex with me (or anyone) without marriage isn't exactly smiled upon in that Book last I checked. Neither is gluttony....well.. you get the picture. The chasing of the ghost that you NEVER REQUIRED THEM TO CHASE is a deathtrap. Period. It's hard to see at first though because like I said, dating a widower is HARD and you have to give people SOME LEEWAY. You really do. After awhile though, there's nothing hard about seeing it. Every conflict will come back to it. Trust me. 

Folks see us as someone that they'd want to love them, hear the stories of love about the previous relationship and rightfully think "Hey, I'd like to be loved by that person in the way that they LOVED the person they lost!". This doesn't sound like a bad thing now does it? I mean, after all, who DOESN'T WANT TO BE LOVED? Who wouldn't want a person who has proven that they are at least WILLING to do 'till death do us part? I mean, HELL I DO if it's proven that you can do it. It makes sense. Until you don't factor in reality. The reality is, there was more than likely time invested in that relationship that you want. Sacrifices. Some you may make and some you may not. It's not as simple as 'Love me like you loved her.." It's just not. You are YOU. I have to figure out if you can even LOVE ME. Or if I can love you. Sure, I have all the 'qualities' you are looking for but that doesn't mean shit if you can't love me for me or I for you. 

Here's another issue. Folks may pity us. Think that they can 'fix us'. Do the thing that the other person couldn't do. All of these things are NO GOOD for a real relationship. Do not need your pity. Do not need to be 'fixed'. All these things do is fuel that 'chasing the ghost' thing honestly because now you are comparing yourself to 'her' again. On YOUR OWN. Not of my doing. 

You can't have me without my past. My past EXISTED before you and while nobody wants to hear anyone speak about the person your person loved who is dead ALL THE TIME, their existence doesn't get erased because you now want the person or get to have them. ESPECIALLY IF YOU AREN'T THE VIRGIN MARY yourself. Divorced. Had relationships. Your past is usually RIGHT IN MY FACE TOO. I'm sure I will encounter a person with a deceased spouse/parent of their kid but I haven't yet. They are ALL ALIVE AND WELL. Very present and they make REAL CONFLICTS. Not the ones made up in people's heads. 

A widower is USUALLY the perfect person to understand YOUR SITUATION as far as having a past though. Understanding may look like indifference though if you aren't a secure person. There's no ranting and raving usually. There's no 'explaining over and over again' why have to talk to that person due to shared custody or why they can make you angry and it's not about you 'still being in love with them'. Just understanding and space to do what you need to do. Solution based movments because that's how we had to carry it. We've usually had to truly GET OVER and MOVE PAST something so we know how to give people space/and no shit to do it. Even when we shouldn't have to as you should be coming to us like you expect us to come to you. Over your past situations. 

As the widower, if you have children, there's definitely probably going to be trouble. Double forget it if you have one that looks like the deceased spouse. All types of issues will come up that you can't even IMAGINE. 

Are you trying to relive the past through that child? You can never be nice to that child because it means that you are 'projecting your feelings about your deceased spouse' onto and through that child. I try not to be gender specific but as a man, I must say that the fact that my middle daughter looks like Melissa spit her out at times, UNERVES even the most secure women. Any sense of insecurity I want to sniff out of a person? I can just bring her around. The shit is like a dog at Customs. It comes out QUICK and ugly. Almost even shocks the person themselves. They say things like "I don't know why I acted that way...". Just pure ugly and evil. 

The folks I've had the MOST TROUBLE FROM ironically enough are divorced people with children. While they aren't the same situation as one is voluntary and one isn't, there is a common tie here. The treatment of a person who has children and the treatment of the parent because there is a past tie. Remember when I said we ,as widower, are understanding people for the most part? This is a BIG AREA where we are. Unfortunately, due to other circumstances, we aren't always given THE SAME GRACE and it's a shame. I could understand custody battles, custody SITUATION CHANGES and your children coming first but I rarely get TRUE CONSIDERATION because Melissa committed suicide. It comes right down to that. Sacrificing for my kids as a man is CELEBRATED AND FROWNED UPON all at the same time by most women who pursue me. Of course it's admirable when they get to tell their friends/family, I'm a (decent by my account) great Father. Let that 'great parenting' get in the way of me doing for them in some way? Get in the way of them seeing me.  It's a different story. I said get in the way. Not STOP. Get in the way.. 

Forget when I gotta say 'no'. Women already don't do 'no' as it is but great Father or not, they aren't very accepting of that. I have to be Mr. Flexibility ( and I am) with them and their kids situation's though. Hell , their LIFE SITUATIONS. Job losses. Finacial losses. Mama and Daddy issues. All of that. Lest I be a women hater or a Nenanderthal. It's the thing WOMEN LOVE ABOUT ME. It's also the thing they hate when it comes down to it. Even AND ESPECIALLY when I put them under my umbrella of protection/providing. Imagine a grown woman, with RESOURCES AND ABILITIES OF HER OWN, getting mad because I can't drop my responsibilities to help her? This is the kind of thing I've gone through. On VARIOUS LEVELS. Including a few extreme ones. 

Also forget me ever feeling anything short of contempt for Melissa for not being here. Anything less than that for most women is considered 'not letting go of her'. Which is wild as fuck. Then again, most of them that I meet do NOT HAVE GREAT RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR CO-PARENT so they only know war anyway. Even those that long for peace still can't bring themselves to understand why I have no contempt for her. It's as if I me wishing she was still here to see her kids do stuff is an AUTOMATIC proclamation of love for her. As if there's SOMETHNG WRONG with that. You see, woman love that I can love and have loved BUT ONLY WANT ME TO LOVE THEM it seems. I'm serious. Not even my kids have been exempt. Most have been hurt so much that they are looking for someone to 'love the hurt of the past away and only be there for them to receive from'. Loving me is a means to an end to me loving them....they are also looking for....

...That dopamine hit love. You know the love I'm talking about.  

I'm never afraid to love. Losing Melissa didn't take that away from me. I can't believe me typing those words triggers some people like it was THEIR LOSS. Anyhow, I know how to love. I love my own way though and it didn't 'change' because of her death. Her death actually brought it out even more once I moved on through the different stages of grief. I didn't lose her because of how I loved her either. I've had someone very recently try to convince me of that. Someone who never even knew her. Wild times. I bet they are even reading this now, livid that the post couldn't just solely be about them. Even with the dissolution of our relationship being their idea. *

Speaking of that, that's another part of being widowed that sucks when dating.. Her death brings out more doctors and shrinks than a little bit. Be prepared to be put on the couch. Usually by someone else who is currently scheduled with visits to a professional's couch with the meds to match. "I can't imagine what it must have been like.." will QUICKLY TURN INTO the person imagining, making up shit and flat out lying about WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE. Quickly.  I have found more folks with 'issues' than I care to ever know. Folks who claim I'm closed off but run through folk's phones at the first insecure thought in their head. Folks who want you to cut off ALL YOUR FRIENDS of another gender, change how you move all while keeping their contacts, monkey branching to other dudes and giving up on the relationship during times that they've called you everything but a Child Of God. I'm not sure if that is necessarily because I'm widowed or more about dating period though. I just know it's extra annoying. 

I actually RESPECT the woman that say "I couldn't date a widower.' Not on some backhanded shit either. Truly respect it. They know what they want, what they can handle and what they can't. If you need to be FIRST at First, do not date a widower. Especially if they have kids. Just save everyone the waste of time. They can't put you 'first' but they can put you under their 'umbrella of people they care about and can do for' until they're done parenting. Just LIKE YOU. Hell, I might even take it as far as saying you shouldn't date a REAL FATHER EITHER because these same rules apply. He's going to pick his kids over you every time at least until they can fly on their own. Just like you are going to do for yours over him. Difference is, he's not out here looking for someone to pick him 'first sometimes'. You are. Go where you can get that. Go date 'sometimes Daddy' who can relate to you having kids but can still put you first at all times. Someone you can tell your family he can relate to your situation and occasionally has his kids because it's usually just 'good times only', you can take family pictures with on those rare outings all of your kids are together. Or date a man without kids, as many of those folks stated they would do. I see NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. At all. It's their choice and right. 

I have had this happen. I've had women get mad that I'm not 'finding a babysitter to stay with my kids' or leaving them alone SOLELY because they think I should do so to see them. That I've not missed activities of my kids for them or irreplacable moments like the birth of my granddaughter just to accomodate their needs. These aren't things I'm speculating on here. I've had it happen and the person has done it with a straight face and SHEER ANGER when it didn't go her way. 

The entitlement is high out here. It is especially high when effort is considered to be 'Good morning texts', allowing you to solve their problems, some occasional sex and gracing you with a bad attitude because they deserve. All while CLAMORING ON AND ON ABOUT WANTING YOU TO COMMIT to them in some other ways than you are already committed to them. Folks want more but don't give more. More for me is things like information. I hate being blindsided with FACTS that you know about yourself that are going to be an issue. Give me the chance to decide to deal with it. Don't put me in the situation and then get mad when I naturally react to it because..well.. YOU MESSED UP. I'm going to help. I'm going to think about it through to. I'm also going to evaluate whether or not the 'more you want' is going to hurt me because you keep things from me until they get messy. Who wants to commit FURTHER to that? Do not take the fact that I've gotten past a death of a spouse as some permission to put me through bullshit because I can 'take it'. No. I've been SUPER upfront about my situation. It's DOCUMENTED HERE. I've sent people HERE to read it. I don't expect this level of detail but I do expect information way sooner than later. 

Again, read from the top, this isn't me speculating. This is from my experience. Two sides to these experiences mind you and those people have their own space with their versions I'm sure. I'm just telling my side so I don't have to sit with it. It's out there. Free and outta me. They know what I'm talking about in certains spots here so I apologize in advance if you are like 'I'd love to know SPECIFICALLY what he's talking about  here.." I do have a line and this is it.. @ no full disclosure. 

Have a I met anyone nice? I HAVE. I promise I have. This post isn't about that though. This is about the ugly side of it. 

*At the time of this writing, this was the case. At the time of RELEASING IT FROM THE DRAFTS, that relationship was again ended.....by me this time. So we are clear. 

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Sitting In The Drafts Series: 8 Sundays ago...

From: 10/31/21 9:51 AM 

Status: Sitting in the Drafts

It was 8 Sundays ago. I was playing ball then going to the gym, much like I'm about to do right now. Waiting.. Then boom. 

Decision made. Clear & concise decision too. 

Just like I said then, time will show you a clearer vision. It's why I didn't chase or get hasty in the midst of the storm. I knew what you seem to have realized in the last 8 Sundays. Sure, I was upset but I didn't let that rule me. I stood fast. 

You must have reached your own personal point though because....

8 Sundays ago...

I wanna say more but I promised your 'friend' I wouldn't really 'share' the contents of the conversation too much. Hell, maybe this much might upset you but quite frankly, you'll have to get around it because...

8 Sundays ago....

Lots of joy and pain in between those 8 Sundays. I heard pain came your way too and for that I send my deepest condolences. I know that it's not an easy thing to deal with. The Angel of Death spares no one and he came calling in my family very recently as well. Everyone deals differently but everyone still has to deal with it. 

Lots of things have happened in between these 8 Sundays.... Weapons put down. Understandings reached. Time to really reflect...

I'm sure there are some good things that have happened too so it's not all gloom and doom. Just know that..

8 Sundays ago...

We all pick up and go on so taking that as a sign of being fazed or unfazed is probably not too prudent. People have to take care of their stuff. Period. I know that I have a tendency to make shit look SUPER EASY and I'm grateful for that in many ways. It probably doesn't afford me much in the way of people thinking I care or I get hurt though....

8 Sundays ago...

I had to pick up and accept things. Swallow things. Come to terms with things. Life things. Things that SHOULD HAPPEN once decisions are made like the one that was made 8 Sundays ago....Things you outlined that you were ready to do fully. 

Now 8 Sundays later...in a very familiar fashion...here you are again..

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