(Sitting In The Drafts) 4/12/21 : The "Honeymoon Stage"

Again, since someone wants to LIE about the relationship we were in, here goes something else I wrote IN REAL TIME. Yes, it's about HER. Miss "Are We Dating The Same Guy".. That chick. I have DAILY POSTS that I made when I was suffering with that chick. Remember, I said I write here every day but I don't post here every day? Yeah, this is a huge part of it. @ Sitting In The Drafts. Why do I write? To let it out in real time so that I don't 'misremember' how I was feeling or what happened at the time. It's theraputic. It also documents things because I get the funny feeling that this is going to end in a bad way. It's on record. You won't have to speculate how I was feeling or what I was thinking. It's right there. You probably are going to speculate ANYWAY but you don't have to. It's right here. In plain sight.   6/26/23

Disclaimer before the in-story disclaimer: If you are 20ish, childless, ALREADY MARRIED or a few other things, reading this shit is probably gonna drive you crazy. This is written for a pretty specific set of people. You'll figure that out as you read it.. If you are (child bearing/child having age)divorced, a single parent, dating a single parent, two single parents dating each other or POSSIBLY MARRIED with kids and getting through Life, this one MIGHT resonate. Might I say. NO GUARANTEES. This isn't for you vets who know the ropes. I'm preaching to the choir when it comes to you. You KNOW THE DRILL. 

The eternal search for recapturing the 'honeymoon stage' of a relationship has been the downfall of many a great potential partnership. That euphoria is GREAT. The lust is magical and you can't wait to see each other every day. It's fucking GREAT. Great I say. I have no problem ADMITTING THAT IT IS GREAT. Shit, I LOVE IT. As we get to know each other better, Life happens and our lives EVOLVE, the euphoria wanes. We also can't keep NEGLECTING OUR FUCKING RESPONSIBILITIES chasing this feeling so normalcy rules again as we settle into normal activities. It happens. Now, I'm no scrooge so I'm not going to say that 'wanting to be happy' is some CRAZY THOUGHT. I'm just asking for perspective here. That's all. It's going to end. It SHOULD END. 

I know that many people reading this may ultimately be in different stages in Life so please factor that in. I hope you ALL GET TO STICK TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP STANDARDS, DREAMS AND WANTS. Truly. That Life sees fit to not throw curves in your plans like divorce, death, and such. That said.... here we go. 

It seems it is IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP UP THE INTENSITY of those first moments (days, weeks, months, etc) of getting to ACTUALLY KNOW THE PERSON YOU HAVE THIS SUPER FOND INTEREST IN GETTING TO KNOW. You can't 'unknow' things about people & as people let you in, you get to know a lot about them. You can't replicate that part of things. That's just the facts. I know we are dealing with 'emotions' here but the facts matter. It's an impossible task. Now, it may take you a LONG TIME to get to know your partner AND they may even change/evolve a bit so that might EXTEND your honeymoon period longer than it would be for others. Remember this when you 'compare your relationship to Jenny and Bobby's'. (Not that you should be comparing.. that's another post all together.) Jenny and Bobby aren't your competitors in the Indy Relationship 500. There is no such race so stop putting that kind of pressure on your relationship. Know and understand that this phase of the relationship will end. 

The good news? This phase ending means you KNOW YOUR PARTNER. You can now stop 'guessing' about what they like and use it to have a more fulfilling or UNDERSTANDING relationship. The dopamine hit of finding out new things will be replaced with the calm and peace of mind of knowing who your partner is and who they become since you know most things about them. This should be celebrated. Not dismissed as boring. Stability is a key component to any good relationship. Romantic or otherwise. You may have to learn to that this can fulfill you. Or maybe it cannot and you will forever be searching for that 'high' you get when starting off with someone new. 

Having fun ALL THE TIME is wonderful. You are scheduling times to meet up, probably ducking responsibilities or at the very least STRETCHING THINGS REALLY THIN and burning yourself out trying to get that dopamine high hit of 'new new' with your newfound potential love/lusted after person. This period is GREAT TOO. Great conversation (See above.), meeting their friends, possibly getting out of your comfort zone by going to new places, new experiences in OLD PLACES, great 'relations'. The list of 'fun' goes on and on...

It's just that though. A period. It cannot BE SUSTAINED AT THIS HIGH OF A RATE. Someone is gonna lose their job, fall behind on their responsibilities and generally slack off in some area. Someone is going to need to go back to their 'regular' life and find a way to fit YOU IN. You are probably going to have to do the same thing. A balance is definitely needed. In addition, LIFE HAPPENS and it can EASILY CHANGE whatever circumstances that existed that permitted such lovely things to happen AT THE RATE THEY WERE HAPPENING. A shift change. A growing kid. A health ailment. You name it, it can happen and you HAVE TO BE UNDERSTANDING OF THAT. Feelings aside. 

Well what do I do with THAT Mr. Blogger? You mean to tell me that we can't have fun anymore? Nobody is that busy to never have fun. I DESERVE TO HAVE FUN AND ALL TIMES DAMMIT. 

Maybe you aren't but the average person who is dealing with any of the factors that I spoke of in any capacity surely does. Congratulations on your Life and I truly wish you the best if these aren't your issues now. Before you go though I just want to let you know that at some point, they weren't other people's issues as well. They had all the time. All the resources. All the money. None of the obstacles. Until they didn't. Ya dig? Or Person A. had the obstacles but it fit for THEM, they met Person B. they liked and it didn't work for that Person B. long term. Better still it may have been Person A's LIFE THAT CHANGED and now Person B that was compatible for their 'previous lifestyle' just doesn't suite it for this type of action. Life is CRAZY like that. One person could be entering a stage and the other just beginning. Lots of compromises have to be made and it isn't for everyone. Fun can be had but it may not come in that steady stream like it did in the beginning or that 'certain time period from X to XYZ period of time'. You can't CHASE that in a relationship. It puts a strain on it. It's fabricated. Fake. A house of cards. It either happens or doesn't. No, I don't mean you can't plan stuff in your free time you do find so stop being literal. I'm just saying that enjoy the ride before you end it too soon trying chase things. It may stop for a LONG WHILE but it has a chance to start again if you weather the storm. Or, you can keep trying to force it and end your relationship with words like 'They weren't fulfilling my needs..." when you are in fact being UNREALISTIC FOR THE SITUATION YOU TWO ARE IN. 

"But they PROMISED ME THINGS. Introduced to a 'vibe that they couldn't maintain'". Stop it with these Fairytale social media quotes. In real LIFE, THE VIBE FUCKING CHANGES ALL THE TIME DUE TO LIFE HAPPENING. They VERY WELL may have intended on 'keeping the energy the same' but may not have factored in the above things. HELL, YOU MAY NOT HAVE FACTORED IN THOSE THINGS AND NOW THEY COULDN'T GVE YOU WANT YOU WANT IF THEY WERE ABLE TO OR NOT. They also may have just been giving you what they could at the time and yes, unfortunately, it was a 'honeymoon' stage that almost ALL RELATIONSHIPS go through. I get it, you've been through Hell and you deserve it ALL. The other person does too though. The honeymoon stage being 'over' means the other person doesn't get stuff too  

 you know. Or is this just about YOU? That's a heck of a way to run a relationship. Also, did they REALLY PROMISE YOU THINGS or did you try to manipulate your way in? Be honest here. 

I have learned over the years that even the best intentions can be derailed by Life and there are VERY FEW 'BAD ACTORS' when it comes to dating. Just people trying to date while living the other aspects of their lives to the fullest and to their best capabilities.  I've learned to LOOK AHEAD and not bury my head in the sand when it comes to 'upcoming trouble' as far as Life happening. I've also learned that not everyone is good at this whether it be they simply don't know or are too stubborn to think that it will happen to them. When I say trouble, I really mean regular Life changes actually. These aren't bad things on their face. They are things that happen within regular circumstances of every day Life. Thing is, most people don't like change. They especially hate change when it comes to age. You know, the whole 'hold on to your youth' thing. They want to be forever 27ish if you will. Grown enough to do things but not grown enough to not be able to whimsically go off for the weekend to say Cabo. Or stay up late at night, knowing that 5 am has you quite busy. These things just aren't things you 

Especially when dating someone with a child or a super busy job. Things are ALWAYS going to come up. Plans and whole LIFE PATTERNS CAN SHIFT IN AN INSTANT and stay that way for LONG PERIODS OF TIME. Removing any 'fun' for either party and having folks passing each other the road, beeping at each other just so they can see each other. I'm not saying you need to STAY IN SUCH RELATIONSHIPS. What I am saying is that you need not make someone a 'bad person' because these happen and they have to handle their business. After all, you chose them because of those traits more than likely and they are just doing what they always do. Especially if they've done so FOR YOU. It's just not your turn to be the main focus. 

Of course now if you need to be the main focus, you need to ADMIT THAT. Admitting that and choosing people that can truly do that for you is important. Don't go picking someone you 'admire for persevering' and then expect to add your burdens to the list of things that they have to 'persevere' too. We all want someone to be there for sure. Choose accordingly. Don't set you or that other person up to fail if you know you need more attention than they can truly give. Understand that sometimes, they need a moment too.  

"Relationships take work" is the saying most people lean on but I don't think they understand that the work is usually made up of not succumbing to the pressure of milestones, chasing dopamine hits in the form of trying to recreate stages that are designed to end and not finding comfort and love in the safety of knowing your partner (Good and bad) and them knowing you. That seems to be most of the work. That and keeping everyone out of your business. 

You may have NONE of these challenges or anything I have written here today and again I say 'HATS OFF TO YOU. ENJOY THAT and PLEASE DISREGARD. You are blessed.." 

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Sitting In The Drafts Series: Update: Dating while widowed...

Published date: 9/17/21 11:46 AM

This series is a new one. Thoughts I had in real time that I didn't publish for one reason or another..

THIS IS ONE EXPERIENCE. THIS IS ONE EXPERIENCE. THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE. THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE. Others may vary. I can only speak on mine. Read it again before you feel a way. READ IT AGAIN BEFORE YOU FEEL A WAY.  

Being widowed is something that I WISH I could not identify with AT ALL. No matter how you are thrust into the situation, you could never imagine the amount of crap it comes with. 

Do you tell people? Do you not tell people? Do you correct people when they assume (Rightfully so..) that your children's parent is alive? Do you even bother to put it in your status only to 'spring it on someone' later on?

Is your 'life' over? Do you deserve someone else? Shit, can you even GET SOMEONE ELSE TO STAY? 

The shit is endless and almost seems HOPELESS, until, YOU FIND SOMEONE. Hell, you find SEVERAL SOMEONES and now, it's back to the basics of dating briefly. You find out you have choices. You think, okay, this is SIMILAR to anyone else who is dating. Divorced. Regular relationship breakups, etc. Sure, there's baggage and things that the other person has to deal with but my former mate is in the ground, this finna to be a BREEZE. This isn't like a divorce/breakup where I could always go BACK TO THE PERSON. This is usually everyone's biggest fear right? Going BACK TO THE PERSON before. I literally can't do that. There's no threat. 

That is until you realize that most people feel like they are competing against a ghost. A ghost's who has been eulogized. A relationship that usually is well documented so the person coming in KNOWS the capabilities of the person that they are pursuing. I'm starting to realize that no matter WHAT I DO, there's always going to be some form of that with someone. A snide remark about 'Not being her..". A reference to 'What you are used to...". The remarks out of anger that people make. Of course, I respond so this isn't about me being an angel. I also have limits. I don't pick at folks's old wounds like that.  The thing about suicide though it is if you belong to certain religions, you may feel like you can speak glibly about my situation on some moral shit. All while posting shit about your own mental health. You can say certain things and they be justified. That's the kind of thing that's not going to sit well with me. Especially if you are out here committing a vast majority of the Sins in the Good Book yourself. Having sex with me (or anyone) without marriage isn't exactly smiled upon in that Book last I checked. Neither is gluttony....well.. you get the picture. The chasing of the ghost that you NEVER REQUIRED THEM TO CHASE is a deathtrap. Period. It's hard to see at first though because like I said, dating a widower is HARD and you have to give people SOME LEEWAY. You really do. After awhile though, there's nothing hard about seeing it. Every conflict will come back to it. Trust me. 

Folks see us as someone that they'd want to love them, hear the stories of love about the previous relationship and rightfully think "Hey, I'd like to be loved by that person in the way that they LOVED the person they lost!". This doesn't sound like a bad thing now does it? I mean, after all, who DOESN'T WANT TO BE LOVED? Who wouldn't want a person who has proven that they are at least WILLING to do 'till death do us part? I mean, HELL I DO if it's proven that you can do it. It makes sense. Until you don't factor in reality. The reality is, there was more than likely time invested in that relationship that you want. Sacrifices. Some you may make and some you may not. It's not as simple as 'Love me like you loved her.." It's just not. You are YOU. I have to figure out if you can even LOVE ME. Or if I can love you. Sure, I have all the 'qualities' you are looking for but that doesn't mean shit if you can't love me for me or I for you. 

Here's another issue. Folks may pity us. Think that they can 'fix us'. Do the thing that the other person couldn't do. All of these things are NO GOOD for a real relationship. Do not need your pity. Do not need to be 'fixed'. All these things do is fuel that 'chasing the ghost' thing honestly because now you are comparing yourself to 'her' again. On YOUR OWN. Not of my doing. 

You can't have me without my past. My past EXISTED before you and while nobody wants to hear anyone speak about the person your person loved who is dead ALL THE TIME, their existence doesn't get erased because you now want the person or get to have them. ESPECIALLY IF YOU AREN'T THE VIRGIN MARY yourself. Divorced. Had relationships. Your past is usually RIGHT IN MY FACE TOO. I'm sure I will encounter a person with a deceased spouse/parent of their kid but I haven't yet. They are ALL ALIVE AND WELL. Very present and they make REAL CONFLICTS. Not the ones made up in people's heads. 

A widower is USUALLY the perfect person to understand YOUR SITUATION as far as having a past though. Understanding may look like indifference though if you aren't a secure person. There's no ranting and raving usually. There's no 'explaining over and over again' why have to talk to that person due to shared custody or why they can make you angry and it's not about you 'still being in love with them'. Just understanding and space to do what you need to do. Solution based movments because that's how we had to carry it. We've usually had to truly GET OVER and MOVE PAST something so we know how to give people space/and no shit to do it. Even when we shouldn't have to as you should be coming to us like you expect us to come to you. Over your past situations. 

As the widower, if you have children, there's definitely probably going to be trouble. Double forget it if you have one that looks like the deceased spouse. All types of issues will come up that you can't even IMAGINE. 

Are you trying to relive the past through that child? You can never be nice to that child because it means that you are 'projecting your feelings about your deceased spouse' onto and through that child. I try not to be gender specific but as a man, I must say that the fact that my middle daughter looks like Melissa spit her out at times, UNERVES even the most secure women. Any sense of insecurity I want to sniff out of a person? I can just bring her around. The shit is like a dog at Customs. It comes out QUICK and ugly. Almost even shocks the person themselves. They say things like "I don't know why I acted that way...". Just pure ugly and evil. 

The folks I've had the MOST TROUBLE FROM ironically enough are divorced people with children. While they aren't the same situation as one is voluntary and one isn't, there is a common tie here. The treatment of a person who has children and the treatment of the parent because there is a past tie. Remember when I said we ,as widower, are understanding people for the most part? This is a BIG AREA where we are. Unfortunately, due to other circumstances, we aren't always given THE SAME GRACE and it's a shame. I could understand custody battles, custody SITUATION CHANGES and your children coming first but I rarely get TRUE CONSIDERATION because Melissa committed suicide. It comes right down to that. Sacrificing for my kids as a man is CELEBRATED AND FROWNED UPON all at the same time by most women who pursue me. Of course it's admirable when they get to tell their friends/family, I'm a (decent by my account) great Father. Let that 'great parenting' get in the way of me doing for them in some way? Get in the way of them seeing me.  It's a different story. I said get in the way. Not STOP. Get in the way.. 

Forget when I gotta say 'no'. Women already don't do 'no' as it is but great Father or not, they aren't very accepting of that. I have to be Mr. Flexibility ( and I am) with them and their kids situation's though. Hell , their LIFE SITUATIONS. Job losses. Finacial losses. Mama and Daddy issues. All of that. Lest I be a women hater or a Nenanderthal. It's the thing WOMEN LOVE ABOUT ME. It's also the thing they hate when it comes down to it. Even AND ESPECIALLY when I put them under my umbrella of protection/providing. Imagine a grown woman, with RESOURCES AND ABILITIES OF HER OWN, getting mad because I can't drop my responsibilities to help her? This is the kind of thing I've gone through. On VARIOUS LEVELS. Including a few extreme ones. 

Also forget me ever feeling anything short of contempt for Melissa for not being here. Anything less than that for most women is considered 'not letting go of her'. Which is wild as fuck. Then again, most of them that I meet do NOT HAVE GREAT RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR CO-PARENT so they only know war anyway. Even those that long for peace still can't bring themselves to understand why I have no contempt for her. It's as if I me wishing she was still here to see her kids do stuff is an AUTOMATIC proclamation of love for her. As if there's SOMETHNG WRONG with that. You see, woman love that I can love and have loved BUT ONLY WANT ME TO LOVE THEM it seems. I'm serious. Not even my kids have been exempt. Most have been hurt so much that they are looking for someone to 'love the hurt of the past away and only be there for them to receive from'. Loving me is a means to an end to me loving them....they are also looking for....

...That dopamine hit love. You know the love I'm talking about.  

I'm never afraid to love. Losing Melissa didn't take that away from me. I can't believe me typing those words triggers some people like it was THEIR LOSS. Anyhow, I know how to love. I love my own way though and it didn't 'change' because of her death. Her death actually brought it out even more once I moved on through the different stages of grief. I didn't lose her because of how I loved her either. I've had someone very recently try to convince me of that. Someone who never even knew her. Wild times. I bet they are even reading this now, livid that the post couldn't just solely be about them. Even with the dissolution of our relationship being their idea. *

Speaking of that, that's another part of being widowed that sucks when dating.. Her death brings out more doctors and shrinks than a little bit. Be prepared to be put on the couch. Usually by someone else who is currently scheduled with visits to a professional's couch with the meds to match. "I can't imagine what it must have been like.." will QUICKLY TURN INTO the person imagining, making up shit and flat out lying about WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE. Quickly.  I have found more folks with 'issues' than I care to ever know. Folks who claim I'm closed off but run through folk's phones at the first insecure thought in their head. Folks who want you to cut off ALL YOUR FRIENDS of another gender, change how you move all while keeping their contacts, monkey branching to other dudes and giving up on the relationship during times that they've called you everything but a Child Of God. I'm not sure if that is necessarily because I'm widowed or more about dating period though. I just know it's extra annoying. 

I actually RESPECT the woman that say "I couldn't date a widower.' Not on some backhanded shit either. Truly respect it. They know what they want, what they can handle and what they can't. If you need to be FIRST at First, do not date a widower. Especially if they have kids. Just save everyone the waste of time. They can't put you 'first' but they can put you under their 'umbrella of people they care about and can do for' until they're done parenting. Just LIKE YOU. Hell, I might even take it as far as saying you shouldn't date a REAL FATHER EITHER because these same rules apply. He's going to pick his kids over you every time at least until they can fly on their own. Just like you are going to do for yours over him. Difference is, he's not out here looking for someone to pick him 'first sometimes'. You are. Go where you can get that. Go date 'sometimes Daddy' who can relate to you having kids but can still put you first at all times. Someone you can tell your family he can relate to your situation and occasionally has his kids because it's usually just 'good times only', you can take family pictures with on those rare outings all of your kids are together. Or date a man without kids, as many of those folks stated they would do. I see NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. At all. It's their choice and right. 

I have had this happen. I've had women get mad that I'm not 'finding a babysitter to stay with my kids' or leaving them alone SOLELY because they think I should do so to see them. That I've not missed activities of my kids for them or irreplacable moments like the birth of my granddaughter just to accomodate their needs. These aren't things I'm speculating on here. I've had it happen and the person has done it with a straight face and SHEER ANGER when it didn't go her way. 

The entitlement is high out here. It is especially high when effort is considered to be 'Good morning texts', allowing you to solve their problems, some occasional sex and gracing you with a bad attitude because they deserve. All while CLAMORING ON AND ON ABOUT WANTING YOU TO COMMIT to them in some other ways than you are already committed to them. Folks want more but don't give more. More for me is things like information. I hate being blindsided with FACTS that you know about yourself that are going to be an issue. Give me the chance to decide to deal with it. Don't put me in the situation and then get mad when I naturally react to it because..well.. YOU MESSED UP. I'm going to help. I'm going to think about it through to. I'm also going to evaluate whether or not the 'more you want' is going to hurt me because you keep things from me until they get messy. Who wants to commit FURTHER to that? Do not take the fact that I've gotten past a death of a spouse as some permission to put me through bullshit because I can 'take it'. No. I've been SUPER upfront about my situation. It's DOCUMENTED HERE. I've sent people HERE to read it. I don't expect this level of detail but I do expect information way sooner than later. 

Again, read from the top, this isn't me speculating. This is from my experience. Two sides to these experiences mind you and those people have their own space with their versions I'm sure. I'm just telling my side so I don't have to sit with it. It's out there. Free and outta me. They know what I'm talking about in certains spots here so I apologize in advance if you are like 'I'd love to know SPECIFICALLY what he's talking about  here.." I do have a line and this is it.. @ no full disclosure. 

Have a I met anyone nice? I HAVE. I promise I have. This post isn't about that though. This is about the ugly side of it. 

*At the time of this writing, this was the case. At the time of RELEASING IT FROM THE DRAFTS, that relationship was again ended.....by me this time. So we are clear. 

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Sitting In The Drafts Series: 8 Sundays ago...

From: 10/31/21 9:51 AM 

Status: Sitting in the Drafts

It was 8 Sundays ago. I was playing ball then going to the gym, much like I'm about to do right now. Waiting.. Then boom. 

Decision made. Clear & concise decision too. 

Just like I said then, time will show you a clearer vision. It's why I didn't chase or get hasty in the midst of the storm. I knew what you seem to have realized in the last 8 Sundays. Sure, I was upset but I didn't let that rule me. I stood fast. 

You must have reached your own personal point though because....

8 Sundays ago...

I wanna say more but I promised your 'friend' I wouldn't really 'share' the contents of the conversation too much. Hell, maybe this much might upset you but quite frankly, you'll have to get around it because...

8 Sundays ago....

Lots of joy and pain in between those 8 Sundays. I heard pain came your way too and for that I send my deepest condolences. I know that it's not an easy thing to deal with. The Angel of Death spares no one and he came calling in my family very recently as well. Everyone deals differently but everyone still has to deal with it. 

Lots of things have happened in between these 8 Sundays.... Weapons put down. Understandings reached. Time to really reflect...

I'm sure there are some good things that have happened too so it's not all gloom and doom. Just know that..

8 Sundays ago...

We all pick up and go on so taking that as a sign of being fazed or unfazed is probably not too prudent. People have to take care of their stuff. Period. I know that I have a tendency to make shit look SUPER EASY and I'm grateful for that in many ways. It probably doesn't afford me much in the way of people thinking I care or I get hurt though....

8 Sundays ago...

I had to pick up and accept things. Swallow things. Come to terms with things. Life things. Things that SHOULD HAPPEN once decisions are made like the one that was made 8 Sundays ago....Things you outlined that you were ready to do fully. 

Now 8 Sundays later...in a very familiar fashion...here you are again..

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