Then There Were none.... Mama's Death.

I hate that I have to give this disclaimer for the MANY MANY MANY rabble rousers and insecure people of the World but here we go...

I'm not the only person who has lost a parent. Some have lost them sooner. Some NEVER HAD THEM IN THEIR LIVES PERIOD. I've ALWAYS felt empathy for those in those and any other variation of this situation. I didn't need to lose them to just 'suddenly understand.' 

Thanks, 
Management. 

Now that we've gotten that business outta the way.... This is going to look a little different than when my Father passed. I would stop short of calling it 'growth' though. It's just going to look different. Different times. Same love. Much more FINALITY. 

Now there are none. My mama quietly slipped away in the wee hours of the morning of August 13th, 2022. She was living where she desired, even after my Father's death and that's that. I even made sure she'd get to stay as long as she wanted to solo until the time came that she couldn't. That's all I'm going to say about that here. Period. The rest is probably too personal AND it won't bring her back so there's that. 

What I am willing to talk about is this. For the better part of 10 years, I heard her say she couldn't wait to be with my Daddy again.

The look on her face told me that not only he was waiting on the other side but a whole lot of peace was waiting on her too. She couldn't talk but she could hear and express with her eyes. Her eyes said it all.  I caught her up on some things. Showed her some pictures and videos. She got to see her great grandchild as well as my 3 girls. There was a little bit of energy exchanged there that I can't quite do justice with words other than the ones I just typed but it was definitely a moment. The baby climbed up in her lap. That should tell you everything you need to know about that. 

I ended up coming back down to see her about 4 am or so. Sat in the dark with the Moon providing light like it was some scripted movie but it wasn't. It was just how it happened to go. Told her some things I had already told her but thought she should hear. Including that her job was done here. She could go. There's a smile that eventually formed on her face. She tried to speak but couldn't. I let her know it was okay to not & to not fight it. I just continued to talk to her as she slowly faded away. Her eyes got glassy and she began to get a little colder but she still had a pulse. I know because I was checking it every three minutes at first. I must have spent a good 40 minutes doing that until there was no pulse to check.. It was just.... I don't have the words. I also know I wouldn't have missed doing that for nothing. There is no perfection. Just how things are going to go. This is how this Life between my mama and I played out. I know what she did, her intentions and her Love. That's all I'm entitled to know. Same with her. 

I'm not here to tell you that you need to reconcile with your parents here btw if you happen to be estranged from them for whatever reason. You need to do what's best for you to live your Life & if there's distance that you felt you needed, take it. So we are clear. I'm just talking about my experience. I was fortunate enough to clear some air a long time ago & reconcile the things that couldn't get cleared up in order to keep living my Life. I do know that's not going to be everyone's story. It's just how it goes. 

I can't tell you with certainity that this is the only time I'll write about this. About the whirlwind of emotions and the normal stuff that comes with putting your loved one to rest. Just look at how long it took me to write this. Took the scenic route on the way home by I-77 and then up I-81. Tough ride but beautiful ride home. Saw lots of signs in the sky. Felt the spirit of both of them on that ride up. 

Good news? She's no longer suffering & she is where she's always wanted to be. That's one thing I did like about her dementia. She wasn't worrying over me. I hated that she did that knowing it was my race to run and not hers. I love that she no longer has ANY WORRIES. 

Much like my Daddy's death, there are happy days full of memories and days full of heaviness that aren't going to go away. Dealing with her dementia in regards to her missing my birthday was one thing. Feeling like an orphan is another. I'm literally the trunk of the family tree here when before my role was to be a strong branch. I'm not worried about being strong enough to carry it until I can't. I worry about the pain that's going to have to be endured while doing it. I'll deal with all of that though. 

I love you Mama. 

*I should have spellchecked this. I didn't. I left it the way it came out. One shot. No edit....