Friday, March 22, 2013

(Grown Folks Talk) I had to get one of my 'hers' the help that 'She' needed..

Of course, by now, you know the backstory so I'm gonna jump right into it.

"You know that you and the kids are gonna need to talk to someone..." - You

"......." - Me

Reason for the dots? I was there. I kinda know the situation was pretty fucked up seeing as though I am SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. *shrugs* 

I mean it isn't as if we lost our dog. Or our goldfish. Or that our house burnt down. Not that those things wouldn't hurt... 

We lost a mother. A wife. Life partner. Influential woman to young ladies who will become women. Road dawg. Sounding board. Etc..etc...etc... 

So yeah, when I saw that one of my 'hers' needed some 'attention' above and beyond that which I could provide, I got her that 'help'. I mean she was already talking (as they all were) to someone at school but I saw some things that said she needed more. You see, BEFORE HER MOTHER DIED, my health issues kinda got to her. So she began to fear losing me LONG BEFORE her mother passed. She chose other ways to cope. A cut here. A nick there. Always hidden from sight per say. 

Then her mother died......


Not. Good....

Sure we saw the band aids but she's a kid so yeah.. Thank God for the parenting rule of 'Take your little sister with you/there shouldn't be anything you are doing that she can't be present for' that is in place. 6 year old did her JOB. What some of you common niggas refer to as 'snitching'. She saved her sister. Proud of her. Sometimes, SOMEONE HAS TO TELL. Ya feel me?

So yeah.. I had to do the SECOND HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO DO. I had to let my child go get help WITHOUT ME being there. I saw her every day. Sometimes twice after I gave her space to adapt. 

THE LONGEST TWO WEEKS EVER.. Didn't tell many folks. Bad enough that folks are gawking at us anyway. More ammo.. More shit to yap about. So we just handled it. Like the Gs that we are. Yes I said that. My kids and I are Gs out here. Soldiers belly crawling through this. One inch at a time. That's all we know. Is to keep going. They are soldiers just like their Momma was... 

She is 'fine' now. Bubbly Middle Child that I honestly haven't seen in a long time. She never 'stopped talking' so that wasn't the issue. She now takes her moments is all. She has other ways to cope. She grew up a lot in those two weeks. She saw some things I honestly wish she never HAD but I THINK IT WAS GOOD FOR HER. She saw that others are hurting too. She saw what happens when you DON'T GET HELP. When you do ignore the signs. When someone doesn't answer your cries for help. Not that she didn't GET THAT MESSAGE from her Mother's passing. This just showed the middle of the story to her. 

I had to go get one of my 'hers' the help that 'she' didn't get.....I couldn't drop the ball. I couldn't ignore it. Sure, I could have yelled at her about knives and scared the piss outta her. 

She would have just found something else to ease the pain. Another way. Who knows WHAT THAT COULD HAVE TURNED INTO.. We see enough examples of what folks turn to. I don't want her to know who 'Molly' is man. Fuck that. So off I took her.... To get some help.  

No finger pointing btw. Real spit. I wasn't there. @ my 'she'. I didn't live in Brooklyn. In Queens. I only know the transitioning girl child that became a woman... I only know that when I 'got her', she was hurting and that she needed it then but I couldn't 'make' her go. Only suggest. Implore. I do know that she could have used what my lil girl got AS A LITTLE GIRL. I do know that IT WILL BE DONE FOR ANYONE IN MY HOUSEHOLD NOW. That's what I do know.... I'm not of the adage that mental health care is for the weak. Or that 'we don't do that'. I know too many of 'us' that have taken their own lives to believe that foolishness. 

So for those of you concerned that I may not 'do right by them' and get them the help they need, you are too late. 

I've ten steps ahead of you. Trust me. 

My outbursts on Facebook. 

Many of you aren't privy to those honestly so this one might be a little bit confusing. Just follow along anyway though. It is pretty self explanatory.

The 'outbursts' that you see on Facebook usually don't bleed over to here or Twitter 'cause I've decided to concentrate them where the folks who I am talking about WILL SEE THEM. 

Why there? 

'Cause that is where they are pulling their info from. Where they 'see me'. It is the ONLY place they really see me honestly so that is where I choose to address it. For some of you, it is baffling. Probably a bit too much for you. Rest assured that like most things with me, you are only getting 5%. The issues I address there, usually get addressed BY ALL PARTIES INVOLVED fairly quickly and much more civilly than they get presented. No worries. Sometimes, you have to say what you have to say. Feel me? I usually say what I have to say and I'm pretty much DONE with the angst part of the issue when I push send. Much like  I am when I type stuff here. So y'all can stop worrying. 

Oh and if I REALLY WANTED YOU TO KNOW WHO I WAS TALKING ABOUT, I'd include them in the post. I don't for several reasons. I can forgive them. I know some of you can't. So I choose to keep it the way I do. 

Random thought:

I'm not sure what you guys are expecting of Justin Timberlake (or Hov for that matter on that Kendrick Lamar remix) but I fail to see the problem. Both are banging to me. Then again, some of you need the radio to tell you what is hot so yeah...I know for a fact that Jane is somewhere dancing her tail off to this joint.. That was our boy.. @ JT.. Okay... random thought over. 

Now where was I? Oh yeah... I was addressing me addressing folks on Facebook. That goes for here too actually. 

Speaking of that, I am single. :) We are gonna get into that a bit right now...Briefly. Vaguely. I know y'all wanna know. Dammit, you talk about me 'not being ready' all the time so that is how I know... Speaking of which..... 

Everybody is looking for the flyest thing to say... But I just wanna fly away.. with you....- You Know Who... *

Here's what I hear the most...

"I know you aren't ready for a relationship but I just want to know that whenever it is you might be that I need to know that...." 

Holy promissory note Batman!! - ME. 

(Looks into the camera) I don't really have to say much more do I? @ giving details. 

I don't mind bids being put in. I SWEAR I DON'T. 

Do. Not. Do. That. Though. 

Double talking. At its finest. 

Do I feel like I am saying too much about this? Naw.. If you follow me on Instagram, you can kinda see different Life is a secret but it isn't THAT MUCH of one in that aspect. If you are reading this and you know you probably fall under what I am talking about..... You HAD TO KNOW that this probably would make it here.. This is my outlet. Sorry. 

I'm gonna be REALLY CLEAR ABOUT ONE THING. She doesn't pass away, there is none of this. Period. Y'all probably need to RECOGNIZE THAT. Period. 

It is just a part of Life though. Only I know where I am with that reconciliation process. @ being married, moving like I am still married and if and when I can move on. If I can actually 'love someone' ANYWHERE NEAR THE level that I did with her. Or if I even want to. I knew where my relationship stood, what I was trying to deny that I was being prepped for and all of that good stuff. I would 'explain' that last statement but some of you would just flat out NEVER GET IT. So yeah.... In English, I probably know what I am ready for WAY MORE THAN ANY OF YOU WILL EVER REALLY KNOW. Degree'd up or not.... 

Here is a word of advice from the dude that is going through it to those of you who want a 'shot' though... 

Don't tell me what I'm ready for...

Don't try to make me promise shit. 

She's grown B. Raised you. Remember that.. You are grown. Try and remember that too. Do what you feel..I am. 

Don't expect me to forget her. (Have you seen my middle daughter? Yeah.. Good luck with that one.... lmao.. Nevuary 5th, Ain't Gonna Happen... @ forget..) Shit, have you seen HER as in have you seen JANE? Yeah.. not gonna forget that anytime soon... 

Let me grieve. 

Let me live. I'm not really about that 'answer to folks' life. Sorry. 

Let me do me..

I'm probably gonna keep posting stuff about HER. Long long...LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG PROCESSSSSSSSSSS...... Nothing you can do about that. If you don't like it, eh... God Bless.... 

Understand if I do choose to spend time with you, you must be doing something right. Don't overthink it... 

The girls. Love 'em. They are first. Second and third. So whatever I do, know already THAT I'VE TAKEN CARE OF THEM. Don't worry about 'having to say you don't come before that.." I KNOW THAT. :) You just make sure YOU REMEMBER THAT? Aight.. 



Yeah..I had to put it in writing. 'Cause...yeah... 

If I DO COME AT YOU OR LET YOU COME AT ME, I'm not chasing. I don't have time for one and for two.. yeah... that's not my style.. Never has been. We can chase each other but that other shit? Naw... 

Is that what you came here for? @ what I just typed out. A lot of you follow the blog at this point so I'm pretty sure your eyes are BULGING out of your heads right now. Oh you thought the blunt honesty was an 'act' huh? Nope. This is me. *shrugs* 

Enjoy that. I probably won't do THAT too often. Today though, I felt like it. So there it is. Besides, I have so many folks 'coming at me' that me saying that is PRETTY MUCH NECESSARY. No braggo. It is just the facts. I'm human folks. Sorry. 

To the Aunties. Bear and Brooklyn. Thank y'all. The objectivity that most claimed NEITHER ONE OF YOU HAD but I always thought you did is VERY CLEAR AND EVIDENT. Thank you for that. Truly. :) This is why I don't listen to what folks have to say about other people and I take the time to find out myself. 

My other two children:

My oldest has taken the personal note that my wife to her to HEART. She is flourishing right in front of me. So proud of her. 

My youngest is expressing herself DAILY. She is a LOT LIKE ME. She has her own 'blog' in the form of a notebook and she writes two to three stories a day about how she feels. Never the same thing twice. She is dealing with it in her own way.. She 'bout broke your boy's heart the other day though...

"Our family had five people in it and now we are minus one. We have four people now... I wish I didn't know how to subtract now..." - The Six Year Old....

I. Almost. Lost. It. It took everything in me to get her to school and drop her off without crying. 

After I dropped her off....

Yeah... She was so accepting of it and that is what kinda hurt me the most. 

The fact that she has to be. That it is just the truth of the matter. I think she is fine by the way. She's cried. She's drawn sad pictures. I just see so much of ME IN HER that it is scary. @ accepting and dealing. 

It is just a tough deal to watch my little angel deal with it. 

108/78.... @ my blood pressure ( top number was on that 150 ish this time last year so yeah.. bottom number was hovering around 99ish and above..) . Don't know HOW THAT IS HAPPENING OTHER THAN TO THANK GOD and to keep on exercising and letting things out in places like this blog here. So feelings hurt or not, I let them out. Sometimes, I push publish, sometimes I don't.. 

R.I.P. to my Daddy's good friend Nathaniel Simmons. Fellow Armed Forces man. One of my mentors as well. Definitely all man. All the time. My heart goes out to my boy Scottie Simmons. He is THE ONLY ONE LEFT IN HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY. Momma gone too soon almost 20 years ago. Brother died not too long after.. Now his Daddy is gone. Strong brother though. My prayers are with you my dude! Truly. I'll play the background and if you need me, get at me. 

This is SO HARD Y'ALL. I usually don't end on that note but...It is. Super hard. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. Even with the move, there are things that can't be changed. Erased. That is going well btw. Love the home. Kids love the home. It is ours. Which feels good. 

It. Is. Bittersweet. Though. She should be here. Decorating this joint with me. Hanging pictures with me. Enjoying my 'big room' with me. Working in the corner. Enough space for both us.... Ugh.... I'm probably officially 'mad at her' for this in some ways. Still doesn't mean that I'm gonna tolerate or wanna hear that you are though. All that 'that is selfish' talk will still get you the 'look' from me. We all know it was. We all ALSO KNOW WHY and you can't gloss over that. Or you shouldn't. Tread lightly.... @ talking that way around me. 

Aight...the youngest needs to be awaken or I will be here typing all day. 

*Justin Timberlake.. Spaceship Coupe...