My Life Friday to Friday: August 27 through Sept. 3rd.... recap Granddaughter.. First Day of High School...Chapter 6 closing??

Editor's note: This is a series (My Life Friday to Friday:) that I write that I NORMALLY don't publish or REMIX as I have MUCH bigger plans for it. It is important to me though, to release this piece that was written in real time because it was a super important event I want to share NOW. I usually recap things Friday to Friday. Why? My situation for the last 6 years hinged on Friday to Friday changes. Every Friday, the script would flip and an adjustment would need to be made to accomodate my partner, her needs and MELD THEM WITH MY NEEDS. A partner who thought she was NEVER THOUGHT of as I went through my day to day might I add but I digress.. I probably won't change that now because I'm used to it and it is a nice way to keep the information overload down to a minimum. I'm just now releasing this so you may not have seen it previously on the blog. 

Friday August 27th: I had to meet my future grandchild's Father, his mother and probably a few more family members for the first time. As previously stated, the situation is fluid and it is Life. The baby is coming and I'm not going to be a party to bringing a child into a negative situation. I've also gotta take care of G's car situation. (Chronicled previously.) Again, another situation that, no matter how it came about, IT NEEDS HANDLING and I'm going to handle my part of it because. Partner. I'd hope (and believe she would.)  she'd do the same for me but I can't operate on her not. I can only operate the way I OPERATE so I'm going to do it. I scheduled to help G first because then her anxiety would be quelled & the deed would be done. I had already factored in the costs and was determined that this was going to get handled NO MATTER WHAT. Got the car where it needed to be and handled my end of things to help. G was clearly still distraught about her situation and rightfully so but seemingly grateful. Hopefully my plan to help her out, once she decides how she's going to handle her end of things, is accepted and can alleviate some of that if not flat out solve it. There's a little tension due to my voicing my opinion of what happened, as previously chronicled as well, but I'm hoping that my ACTIONS are helpful in showing my true support. 

As it turns out, the Father and Mom were a little delayed and didn't get a chance to meet up with us so I am glad that I handled my business with G and my youngest child. 

About late Friday night, I start to hear the middle child (pregnant one) moan every 10 minutes or so. It was subtle at first. Then a little more louder. Then it was while she was sleeping. I started checking the clock but ultimately fell asleep as it had been a LONG DAY. 

August 28th: 

I was awakened by these same moans around 6 am right before my alarm went off for the gym. They were about 9 minutes apart. I head off to the gym, take the Honda to get appraised and come back. The money is more than right for the Honda and I either flip it, get a newer whip with less miles for the middle AND EVENTUALLY THE YOUNGEST to whip around in and help G that way. My original plan of just getting a newer whip for the two girls and working something out with G was still in play too. Now I have TWO SOLUTIONS to the problem but again, it's up to G on how she wants to handle HER END of the problem. That's not my place to say. I'm just here to help without sinking my own boat here. I can't provide shelter and help without a place to provide it at if you dig what I'm saying? 

I get home. At this point, the girls are huddled up in the front room and the youngest is using a timer. They whisper a little bit but I can hear them. "They are getting closer... but I still think they are Braxton-Hicks contractions.." one of them said. 

I'm still counting the spaces between contractions. Remember, I have THREE GIRLS. I know what a birth/contractions/hospital waits are like. No use in running to the ER, DURING COVID and sitting there only to be told 'Go back home..". Unless she's bleeding really badly. Speaking of bleeding, her plug came out in the middle of Saturday night..Also, remember from the previous posts, she's thinking she's due in December at the earliest. I told her she's hanging too low in July and she'd probably not make it to damn September.... I didn't say that PUBLICLY (To the few people that knew because not a lot did..) but I definitely said it to HER. In her mind and hell her DOCTOR'S mind, this is DEFINITELY not supposed to be happening. Anyone who looked at her really good should have known though that..Maybe not down to the DAY but... Also remember, she was due to get an ultrasound that Tuesday. A due date was coming & all would have been known then. 

August 29th: I wake up to her in pain again but this time she's about 6 and half minutes apart.

I started canceling my normal Sunday morning basketball plans as well as my plans to look at this dope 2015 Honda Pilot that I was possibly going to use to help solve the car issues/potential practicality needs for each women in my Life because THAT'S HOW I DO IT. I take care of everyone. They may not like the order but everyone gets what they need. My umbrella is pretty big and can take on a lot. Owner said we could meet later on in the coming week so that was cool. I knew my Sunday was about to be messy. I had planned to slip to see G too at some point between her busy schedule but obviously, that got scrapped too. 

"Did you call the doctor?" - Me

"He's closed on Sundays.."- Her 

"He's not the owner of a Chik Fil A... He delivers babies 24/7. Wait for the beep. There will be a prompt for his answering service. They'll tell him what you say and he'll advise you from there. I'm telling you now though to grab your overnight bag." 

"Okay, I was pre planning all that stuff so it's packed and everything already.." - Her

I'll give you a minute. PLEASE LAUGH. I hollered WHEN IT HAPPENED. Trust me. She chuckled too. She was a good sport about it. 

The girl was nesting! All weekend, she was running around, probably making her contract even more, getting things prepared for a baby that she thought was coming in 2- 3 months. Her body knew though and bypassed that part of her brain and told her to GET READY. This baby is coming NOW. Hair was up in a protective style and all of that. 

We get to ER and they send her immediately to the Women's Center here on the campus of the hospital and surprise surprise.. they admit her!  

I tell her, "You might as well cancel that Tuesday appointment because they are about to run every test on you. Including the ultrasound. Probably won't know the sex though because... stubborn baby..." 

They run the test. She's shocked by how far she's along but I'm not. I also reassure her that she can now do this naturally as they had previously told her they would have to take the baby. Why? They thought she had a different due date so of course they would say that. With the ultrasound came clarity. 

I'm going to skip over parts of the birth here because that's another mini story itself. I'll give you the basics. 

1:53 AM, SPPC came into the World! Beautiful baby. 

I was there. The father was there. I stayed for a good bit and then let the parents have their time. I'm a GRANDFATHER. Not the Father so I left. I'm also the Father to two other girls. One is a minor. She NEEDS ME so off I went to tend to her. (She was in the building during the birth..) 

Told C what was happening during all of this and she said 'Call if you need me.." That's just the facts of it. That's what was said and that's that. 

August 30th - September 1st: 

Now, while I knew she wasn't going to make it to December, I WAS NOT PREPARED TO HAVE HER HERE NOW fully. I had told my partner it was happening but I wasn't sure if SHE was going to stick around honestly. I HOPED she would but I would have understood if she said she wasn't. I get it. I also know I wouldn't have gotten that same understanding if it was reversed. I could feel her stance forming as the days grew closer. Again, I'm not dumb nor not understanding. Pain is pain but Life is Life ya know? 

Lots of things were in place but things like CAR SEATS were not one of them. Bassinets were though, as well as diapers, clothes, wipes, medication, etc. Still, I had to do a lot of running around and be around to accept the gifts that were also being given. 

Added bonus? My teenager started her FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL. Yes, she was in a Honors Academy on a high school campus but this is at a new school and it's officially high school. A very big, big, BIG deal. I had to handle her. I wasn't the only one this was happening to. G had that too so LIFE WAS LIFING. You hear me? For EVERYONE. Youngest had a great, albeit not action packed first day. It's the first day of school so you know how that goes mostly. 

Contact with G was minimal on both sides because she had started her new position in earnest during this time, her kids needed her and she has a LIFE OF HER OWN THAT' PRETTY DAMN BUSY. Big things for her after a few rough years. (Not disclosing that in this post.) It was great to see her get back to a sense of normalcy for her. It just happened to coincide with the birth of my granddaughter and another unfortunate incident in her Life. 

September 1st, middle child and baby were discharged. First night home with a baby in the house in 14 years! Remember, I'm GRANDFATHER but I'm also the only man in the house. She KNOWS my voice. She responds to my voice. I'm also the vet so when I handle her, it's different. I'm like Alexa only I can demonstrate hands on so that's what I do. I don't DO TOTALLY for my daughter nor would she have it be like that. She's a NATURAL. Then again, most women are. It's the men who have to 'learn' mostly. She just needs guidance and I can give it so I do. First night wasn't even that bad honestly. Nor have they been for the most part. A bad night here or there. I do provide relief at times and of course I take POP POP TIME. 

Didn't get to contact G until the end of the day due to hectic scheduling. Literally running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Pick this up. Pick my youngest kid up due to the busing shortage. (They said she'd get home at 6 pm AFTER A 3 PM DISMISSAL! No way she's sitting for 3 hours. Basketball training/school stuff that evening.).  No reach out either. Contact was 'strained' to say the least when it did happen. (It's a whole other post. Not here.. Not now..) Big storm that night. Both in real life and in other places. I was never mad because this is how Life goes. We are busy people. That sentiment was not shared.. 

Sept 2nd-3rd:

Kid has off that Friday so it's like a regular summer day. I take Mom and baby to the doctor's since Mom isn't cleared to drive YET. We do sneak in a drive with Mom and Baby though after she gets cleared by the doctor. It is HER child after all and she should be able to handle things sans me. She did well. Everyone was safe. Finally go to see the Pilot. It looks and drives amazing. Have to hold off on that deal because.. 

 ....Minimal contact with G due to our schedules and radio silence from one end.. Precursor of things to come??

Mom euphoria is still here but so is the understanding that this is real. This is no baby doll. This is all her mostly. We can get into the Dad's part later..He's around. This is LIFE THOUGH people so you know how this might go. It's something that I came to grips with 23 years ago when I had my oldest. Anyone has a kid, it's coming to my house. It comes to my house, the responsibility is automatically going to fall this way. No matter how much the Dad is involved, the home house is going to handle that baby's business regardless. That's just how this goes. To what EXTENT is up for debate, depending on the mother/her abilities/use of resources etc but this is how this goes. Not going to chase anyone. In any situation. This isn't any different. His responsibilities will be handled though. One way or the other. Good kid btw so this is not dissing him. This is Life though. That's it. 

That's all I have for now. I may add more in as I update the next My Life: Friday To Friday.....

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It took everything in me..

To let you walk...

To let you back in..

To let you walk back again....

Knowing that you were just going to come to the conclusion to walk right back out.. 

It took everything in me not to scream and shout.... 

To call out to you to come back and continue the beautiful torrid storm. 

I know just what I could have said too...To bring you calm. To bring things back to what had became our norm.

I knew better though. To stop you from walking away. 

I knew that it had to be your idea. It looks much better on your display. 

You got to be the 'strong person who left the toxic situation'. 

You got to say you wasted five years and make it look like for me it was just a vacation.. 

Like the clock stood still on this side of things and no love or blood was spilled...

As if you it only took a toll on you and for me it was just some 'thrill'.

Oh, I was vocal about the way things were in my heart. On my soul. I logged the effects on file..

Only to be argued down.... Cross examined. Like some criminal on trial...

The pain you clearly felt was the only thing paramount. 

It was the only thing you seemed to notice. As if this was some one sided title bout. 

Such a wonderful storm it was. I mean, let's not pretend it wasn't.. we wouldn't have stayed..

For all of it's faults, there were some wonderful memories. Heartfelt ones were made. 

It took everything today not to answer your message... I know what was on the other side.. 

It didn't matter if it was good or bad... We are super familiar with THE RIDE. 

Maybe you hit me to gloat. Maybe you hit to overshare.. 

Maybe you hit me because you missed me. Maybe you hit me up because you care...

Maybe you hit me to curse me out some more. 

Maybe you hit me just because. That's it. It doesn't have to anymore..

It took everything in me.... 

Not to see... 

Maybe I didn't answer because I listened to you when you (we) decided you had enough (I agreed)...

Maybe I heard you when you said the relationship was why other things were so rough. 

Maybe I didn't answer for my own mental health. For my own well being. 

Remember this hurt me too. I guess it's only your side you are used to seeing..

I hope that all is still for you now in the way you envisioned. The peace you said you needed with despair..

I know I won't have to send this to you...I know you'll receive it when you receive it because you care..

I know you'll come here one day. It's your nature to know. 

The mind works that way sometimes.. It's aight..I wrote the words. They aren't for show...  

Love isn't enough either so let's not act like that wasn't on the table..

Love was given. By both people. Let's stop telling that fable... 

That thing where it only came from one side. Only poured out of pipe. That's uncouth. 

Let's stop acting like only one of us cared and loved here. Let's tell the truth..

Love and care aren't enough though. No cute nicknames need apply. 

I could have made this ALL ABOUT ME. But then I said. "Why?"

I mean it's my space. I can write what I want. I know you have a space I dare think what's written. 

I never checked. Others tried to tell me some things but with pain I'm not smitten. 

Just like your pages, your media and such..

That's your domain. Where you get to write YOUR stuff. 

Besides, it was no more than a sneak peek for them into the real life venom that was spewed. 

Dirty laundry... scattered... over pain.. over hurt.. over being confused. 

I guess it's my turn now.. Tell all the rest of the secrets! Spill all the files! 

Let the whole World know what it's like to feel like to be grout between bath tiles..

Nah.. There's no need. I'm only spilling a little bit of pain and blood on this go round..

I'm just here to say. I was hurt too. That's all. That's it. Can you hear the sound?

That's me saying how I feel. Uninterrupted. No buts. No ifs. 

No memes..no songs.. no videos.. no gifs..

No neatly packaged words from someone else that set off a trigger. 

It's ME SPEAKING. As usual. From the heart. With vigor. 

Maybe you can hear me now that we aren't 'caught up in our beautiful storm'.

Maybe now, our lives can find a great new norm......

It took everything in me today...

You are welcome. I did it for you too. Trust me. Okay? 

*Gently takes the keyboard off of my lap* 

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(Music Video) Little Brother (@Phontigallo & @RapperBigPooh) is back with a new album/tour dates AND a video. Black Magic (Make It Better)

So good to have the fellas back at it. Knowing them, that tour list is going to be ADDED TO. I can't 'guarantee it' but being a fan of theirs and knowing how they get down, dates SHOULD BE ADDED by them. I'd come back and check. I'll update the list myself if I get it.

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(Music) Looks like that Little Brother album we wanted is about to land in our laps.. Phonte Coleman...Rapper Big Pooh.. Title: Little Brother. May The Lord Watch.

Even more new music! Yes. Been waiting patiently for this.

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(Words) You carried her emotional bag so you HAVE TO CARRY MINE now.. The Story of A Former Bag Handler...

I think by now, if you are here, you know the story. My wife committed suicide. She suffered from depression. I have children. I'm living Life. I'm not the first widowed person nor will I be the last. It's still my story and life so I'm the one who has to live it and through the experience I've learned way more than I cared to ever know about myself. Including the following.

I CLEARLY must have 'baggage handler' written on my forehead in invisible ink. It seems that I meet a lot of people who hear the story/see the kind of person I am, think of how 'strong' I must be and immediately dump their bag at my feet and ask for the total commitment of fixing their woes and problems from me. Like it is my job. It seems to always go the same too. It goes from 'That was so sweet that you did that for her' to 'Why can't you do that for me?" Then I'm always confused... Rinse. Repeat. 

I seem to promptly take a deep breath, grab their bags and attempt to help them unpack them. Every time. You know because that's what 'love is all about' right? How does that meme go:

I cannot believe how wholeheartedly I used to pretty much live by this phrase and then have the audacity to wonder why things went how they did..smh 

Oh and my other favorite... smh 

One time? Okay. You got it. Two times....eh... THREE TIMES? Yeah Bro, you gotta look at your motto. Sorry.  This where the rubber meets the road. 

Nah, your demons can't come anymore. I've had enough of taking on others demons. They are yours to handle and you better be taking active steps to take care of them. On your own. Without me. Will I SUPPORT YOU? Absolutely. Will I take them on as my own? Nope. I'm especially not down for being punished for things I have not done. None for me thanks. You need not be perfect but you also need not be lashing out at me over things I didn't do. This is where I am at with it now in Life. You mad because my wife got that total commitment? Keep it moving. You won't get it. We are older now for one and for two, I'm just not doing it. I have a whole different Life now and I do not have time. 

It's time I take some of the accountability for being in the situations though. Not because I helped Melissa. Nope. That's done and over with and the fruits of our marriage are what they were. I have to take accountability because I needed to learn that I shouldn't have to help fix anyone. Letting anyone's demons have a life or a place in my Life should not happen anymore. I shouldn't have to love someone through their baggage because I stayed with Melissa until she was gone or allow them to try to guilt me into putting up with their mess because of it. I made a commitment there and I honored it and quite honestly, it was a different situation too. Children. Marriage. Etc. I don't have to 'sign up for again' in any capacity. Especially not in some fairy tale made up capacity where the events of my Life are cobbled together by heresay and wishful spiteful thinking by folks who weren't even around at the time. Matter of fact, while nobody is perfect, I should certainly not be signing up for it again in any capacity. I probably should be avoiding it to be frank. 

Yet, there I was. Living by those mottos above. Thinking 'Well you are flawed Mark so you gotta put up with that.." Nope. I don't. Some of you TOLD ME THAT. Hell, I've told SIMILIARLY FLAWED PEOPLE that. Some things just aren't going to work out if certain things are present. It is what it is.

No more. There's a big difference between accepting flaws and just carrying someone's bag. Allowing them to have you think that you have to carry it or you are selfish. Egotistical. Or just a plain dick if you don't. 

Nobody has to deal with anyone. Ever. It's not about being a bad person either. Both people can be good people who are just a bad fit. Their situations don't match up. That's it. 

Get a therapist though folks. Stop laying your baggage at people's feet to carry. You see baggage that you don't like, don't pick it up. I think there's room for both sides to get some of this here blame. I understand that in folk's weakened states, the trauma bonding happens. It shouldn't though. Especially if the traumas aren't the same. Hell, even if they are we are all different people and we all handle our traumas differently and we certainly shouldn't be 'bonding over it' That breeds folks wanting others to skip steps or handle trauma the same way they do. We are different people with different minds and different hearts. No wrong way to handle your trauma. It's definitely wrong to push your way onto someone else or to snub your nose at their pain. 

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn due to the nature of my spirit. My nature is to help others FIRST. To overlook flaws to an extent. Outside of my kids, I have a tendency to put others first emotionally. Maybe not always physically but emotionally I do. They get space they don't earn or lovebomb their way into and when I balk or realize it, it's my fault for introducing them to a vibe I can't maintain. I'm going to be real here. They aren't shit for doing it like that but I should stop letting them doing it. Also, vibes are going to change because situations change. I hear people yelling 'consistency' like Life doesn't ebb and flow. Context people. Context. Learn it. 

There are all types of 'therapist phrases/words' for what I am and what the people are who thrive off of having relationships of ANY KIND with people like me. We throw them around so much that I don't even want to use them here. It almost always ends up being a 'word war' of who can throw the most terms down. I think you know the terms and I'm going to assume you are a sane person and can use Google. What I will say is that while people like me are 'preyed upon due to our good nature' it ultimately imperative that we learn how to stop putting ourselves in these situations. Repeatedly. At some point, we have to take some ownership here. We see the signs. We see the flags. Hell, we often RUN TO THEM thinking that we can 'love them through it and they will be perfect for us'. Nope. Nah. We can't love them through that. They aren't our little project. They are people. They need to fix their own shit and we need not accomodate the bullshit just to say we loved someone when they were down. Nothing wrong with loving someone who is at the stage of being their complete self. 

This is me attempting to do that while not changing who I am as a person. It is admittedly hard because then I think it will take away from my ability to be empathetic. I know if I go too far to the left and I will join the harden folks who question everything and trust no one pretty much ever all while trying to build something that requires neither thing's presence. I'll be the guy that hates the opposite sex but yet still wants to 'build something real' with them. All while poking holes in the boat with my childish behavior because I'm holding on to hurt from the past that they didn't cause. Definitely not going out like that. @ me. Too far to the right and I'm back to accepting being Baggage Boy. Gonna have to find the center and stick to it. lol 

I'm no longer performing the task of 'bag handler'. I was never here to make up for all the shit someone else went through anyway but by picking up folk's bags and basically PROMISING to carrying them, I was basically signing up to do just that. Carry that bag and all the insecurities, games and healing on the fly that comes with that. "Be a man....the man my Father rr MY KID'S FATHER never was.." I can't take his place and I'm done trying to do that for anyone. I'm done carrying the bag of the guy who repeatedly cheated on you while you took care of his babies. Didn't change a diaper or wake up for a night feeding while you took care of your babies. The guy who is not half the father that I am to my children and neglects yours. The guy who never prioritized his kids over anything he had going on or openly loved your or your craft. Who always shitted on what you had going on and never supported it.  The guy who made it so you think it's cool to go through phones. Or the guy who ripped your heart out of your chest. I'm done. I don't need residual hate for my current actions/standing in Life because of your past bullshit. Come healed from that or don't come to me at all. 

This is very specific. On purpose. Don't think I'm making blanket statements here. I'm not. It's my experience. My sample size. You may not have a "Daddy' issue so please don't project if you are reading this and we don't know each other. I promise it's not like that. I'm just speaking on what I've allowed here. Thanks. We can talk about men and their 'Mommy issues' later. I promise. :) (No, I don't have them but we can touch on it..) 

Well what about you? So you are telling me that you aren't asking folks to carry your bags Mr. Blogger? I mean, what about what comes with YOUR situation? - You

Super glad you asked. No. I don't ask. I barely talk about it actually outside of here on the blog. As you can see, it's been three years since I've even talked about my situation publicly (even with the missing posts). Anyone being honest with themselves knows that I don't talk about it because they had to REPEATEDLY ASK ME ABOUT IT in order to hear my thoughts. Nah, I don't ask people to carry the bags that come with it. I actually WARN people about it. What usually happens is they belittle the situation and compare it other things it is not. Divorce. A bad break up. A split custody situation, Etc, Etc. That's not on me. It's a different situation. Not 'worse'. Just different. So asking someone to 'carry a bag from my situation' in regards to something they truly can't even fathom is stupid. I wouldn't dare. In the event that they HAVE GONE THROUGH IT, I don't even have to say anything or ask them to carry a bag either. Nor will they TRY.  They know the nuances of the situation and that people handle things differently. They have an understanding even if they DON'T HANDLE THEIR SITUATION THE WAY I HANDLE MINE. 

I could EASILY be afraid everyone who suffers from some things but I am not. What I am wary of now is taking on the burden of 'fixing that person' or 'loving them through it' while putting up with the residuals of the pain caused by previous people/situations. I'm just saying I won't even PARTAKE IN IT. My ego, pride and sense of loving someone aren't built for that kind of thing anymore. I'm done. Yes, it got exhausted and my capacity for it is used up. I'm not Jesus nor do I pretend to or want to be. I can retire from the role. Those mottos I used to live by that I thought I needed to employ to get 'love' aren't for me at this stage of my Life. I know that now. I tried it. It's not for me. That's not my ministry. 

Here's what I don't need though in regards to my Life. Someone who feels like I should just 'get over it' that she died. Someone who is secretly jealous of how I treat my kids due to their own past or their own kid's father not treating theirs that way. Someone who wants to erase her memory, make the memories taste like acid by belittling her/her children or their or my grieiving process. Someone who wasn't around, inventing their own version of what happened in a Life they know nothing about. Someone who doesn't respect boundaries. Someone who doesn't understand that I have the capacity to love MANY PEOPLE and my love is not something that they get to control and dole out at their discretion. If you need me to love pretty much you and only you in all capacities, I don't need you around. Period. Why here? So it is on record. I've verbally done this but... denial. Can't deny it if it is in writing. *shrugs* 

We've definitely moved on appropriately as far as the death of Melissa is concerned. We never stopped moving forward. We've graduated schools. Moved into professions. Parented. Cried. Laughed. Loved. Still haven't forgotten. We won't forget. It's not a divorce. It was a death. They aren't the same. You don't get to 'purge' her outta here, release some balloons every November and that's it. That's not how this works over here. My kids will talk about her. Her name is gonna come up. I'll talk about her if I see fit. Pictures are gonna pop up. Her friends are going to celebrate her as well.. duh..they are her friends. I'm not gonna not talk to her family members to sooth your ego. They will accept you for you but you gotta come correct. Just like your family, friends, etc would expect of me. My middle kid looks just like her. It's a fact. You gotta get over it. You are gonna hear about it. People try to be respectful but once EVERY 50 TIMES it's gonna get said. Deal with your own childhood traumas of younger child syndrome on your own time. @ projecting anything you may see with my children that drags up old childhood memories of your own. You aren't the only one who 'deserves' here.. 

You aren't competing with her. For lots of reasons. The main one being she's no longer alive. She has a place in my heart and if THAT ALONE BOTHERS YOU, you shouldn't deal with me or anyone who has ever been in the situation. I dare say you shouldn't be dealing with anyone at all until you lose that mentatlity but I digress. You aren't going to 'love me enough' for her to not have a place. You certainly aren't going to accomplish it by belittling her and making comments about how much of a better person you are because you are alive and she is not to parent her children. So if you feel a way about HOW she died, you should gracefully bow out too. Your presence is not needed. 

I TOTALLY understand that this situation isn't ideal for a lot of people. I just need folks to stay away from me if they think they are going to change or erase things. 

This isn't an impassioned plea to someone in the past either. That shit is all the way dead. Trust me. This is about the future. This is about me. I PROBABLY NEED TO READ THIS BLOG OVER AND OVER MYSELF way more than any of you need to read it. The last time I introduced someone to the blog, their spirit was shaken and I thought I could love them through it. They all but told me this wasn't going to work every step of the way while they still tried to front like the situation was for them and my dumb ass kept trying to put a square peg into a round hole. No more. I put it ALL OUT THERE. I'm not changing that part. I'm just going to change the part where I ignore the signs that the situation is just not for them. I'm just not going to pick up their bags and try to love them through the situation..... 

Sincerely, 

A Retired Bag Handler

We live how we live. Through proper planning, the current situation is what it is. You don't like it? Don't come near me. Period. 

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@ImZookieBaby- Take Me Under ( produced by @therealSap)

Okay so let's get RIGHT BACK INTO THE MUSIC LIKE WE NEVER LEFT. This young lady right here is SUPER TALENTED. She can Sing. Rap. Dance. Full of energy. She can really spit. None of that fabricated talk either. Every day talk. She's passionate and you can hear it in her rhymes. This is just a sample of her work with Sap.

As I 'catch back up', you'll see her name appear again. @ other music I need to post up.

If you like this.. go support her music. She has another single out called Duck, Duck, Goose...

Duck Duck Goose Single

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As you probably noticed....

I am currently fooling around with changing the blog's look and feel. A few of you have come back and forth already. I have things coming. Not the things most of you are EXPECTING though. I mean this is MY blog so I don't do free promo too tough for other blogs. They have to get their own traffic. I actually have to like your blog or YOU to promote it in ANY FASHION...

That said, give me a little more time. I'm undecided on bringing the music player back. Maybe if there is a Spotify/Google Music widget, I'll do that. We will see. Right now, I'm just trying to unclutter both my thoughts and the content here. The new template gives some more options.

Thanks for coming through to see so far though! The readership is picking up already.

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