It took everything in me..

To let you walk...

To let you back in..

To let you walk back again....

Knowing that you were just going to come to the conclusion to walk right back out.. 

It took everything in me not to scream and shout.... 

To call out to you to come back and continue the beautiful torrid storm. 

I know just what I could have said too...To bring you calm. To bring things back to what had became our norm.

I knew better though. To stop you from walking away. 

I knew that it had to be your idea. It looks much better on your display. 

You got to be the 'strong person who left the toxic situation'. 

You got to say you wasted five years and make it look like for me it was just a vacation.. 

Like the clock stood still on this side of things and no love or blood was spilled...

As if you it only took a toll on you and for me it was just some 'thrill'.

Oh, I was vocal about the way things were in my heart. On my soul. I logged the effects on file..

Only to be argued down.... Cross examined. Like some criminal on trial...

The pain you clearly felt was the only thing paramount. 

It was the only thing you seemed to notice. As if this was some one sided title bout. 

Such a wonderful storm it was. I mean, let's not pretend it wasn't.. we wouldn't have stayed..

For all of it's faults, there were some wonderful memories. Heartfelt ones were made. 

It took everything today not to answer your message... I know what was on the other side.. 

It didn't matter if it was good or bad... We are super familiar with THE RIDE. 

Maybe you hit me to gloat. Maybe you hit to overshare.. 

Maybe you hit me because you missed me. Maybe you hit me up because you care...

Maybe you hit me to curse me out some more. 

Maybe you hit me just because. That's it. It doesn't have to anymore..

It took everything in me.... 

Not to see... 

Maybe I didn't answer because I listened to you when you (we) decided you had enough (I agreed)...

Maybe I heard you when you said the relationship was why other things were so rough. 

Maybe I didn't answer for my own mental health. For my own well being. 

Remember this hurt me too. I guess it's only your side you are used to seeing..

I hope that all is still for you now in the way you envisioned. The peace you said you needed with despair..

I know I won't have to send this to you...I know you'll receive it when you receive it because you care..

I know you'll come here one day. It's your nature to know. 

The mind works that way sometimes.. It's aight..I wrote the words. They aren't for show...  

Love isn't enough either so let's not act like that wasn't on the table..

Love was given. By both people. Let's stop telling that fable... 

That thing where it only came from one side. Only poured out of pipe. That's uncouth. 

Let's stop acting like only one of us cared and loved here. Let's tell the truth..

Love and care aren't enough though. No cute nicknames need apply. 

I could have made this ALL ABOUT ME. But then I said. "Why?"

I mean it's my space. I can write what I want. I know you have a space I dare think what's written. 

I never checked. Others tried to tell me some things but with pain I'm not smitten. 

Just like your pages, your media and such..

That's your domain. Where you get to write YOUR stuff. 

Besides, it was no more than a sneak peek for them into the real life venom that was spewed. 

Dirty laundry... scattered... over pain.. over hurt.. over being confused. 

I guess it's my turn now.. Tell all the rest of the secrets! Spill all the files! 

Let the whole World know what it's like to feel like to be grout between bath tiles..

Nah.. There's no need. I'm only spilling a little bit of pain and blood on this go round..

I'm just here to say. I was hurt too. That's all. That's it. Can you hear the sound?

That's me saying how I feel. Uninterrupted. No buts. No ifs. 

No memes..no songs.. no videos.. no gifs..

No neatly packaged words from someone else that set off a trigger. 

It's ME SPEAKING. As usual. From the heart. With vigor. 

Maybe you can hear me now that we aren't 'caught up in our beautiful storm'.

Maybe now, our lives can find a great new norm......

It took everything in me today...

You are welcome. I did it for you too. Trust me. Okay? 

*Gently takes the keyboard off of my lap*