I am so glad I made this post. I promise you, I almost didn't push send. Here's just ONE of the many examples why I am glad I did....I've received more than a few emails, letters, texts, etc like this. So I DEFINITELY know publishing this was the right thing..
First of all, it is hard for me to even say that word. @ depression. I've called it everything but that for the past 15 years as I walked that walk with the person. So for me to call it what it is finally, after the tragic events two weeks ago is huge for me. Don't get me wrong, I treated it as such but I just didn't want to use that word. I can now.
You see, two weeks ago, my wife committed suicide. With my gun. It wasn't her first attempt either. She didn't have the 'prototypical' bad week before it either. She was GREAT. We were great. When I went to bed, she was peaceful.
When I woke up.. she was gone..
There is nothing like waking up thinking 'Is today the day?" when things are going bad. That's not how it went down. She was peaceful. I had seen that peace before too. I think I alluded to that in the other blog posts. Marriage. Birth of kids. Milestones. Achievements. Didn't know that this time that peace meant.....
Lotta speculation on what 'made her do it' by the same folks who can't wrap their head around the fact that she did it in the first place. I've gotten advice not to blame myself only to then turn around and be questioned about 'Why I didn't do XYZ'...
....Only to then be told that there was nothing I could do anyway....
I know WHY though. @ the contradictions. Everyone wants 'answers'. No malice towards y'all. Just letting you know how it felt OVER HERE on my end.
I was the one walking that walk WITH HER. The 'shock' that most of you are feeling right now? I had to get over that some 14 years ago the FIRST TIME she tried it. At some point, I had to admit to myself that this probably, despite my BEST EFFORTS, wasn't gonna have a Fairy Tale ending. I couldn't tell you that it was gonna be THAT DAY though. What I can tell you is I wasn't caught off guard in totality like y'all were. I would have had to have been a fool to be.
Does that make it easier for me? No. 'Cause I have to still deal with the fact that she DID IT, I found her and the finality of the situation. It just moves the grief from one part to another basically. Same amount of hurt. Different place. It is just that I don't have that particular 'why' floating in my head.
I guess now you are asking yourself why did I stay? 'Cause I know that some of you out there just aren't strong enough to deal with a situation like this and it is okay. Let me make this real easy for you.
I loved her. Flaws and all. The end.
I often make little tweets and Facebook statuses about 'accepting folks' as they are. With their flaws. As humans. They make more sense now don't they?
I often allude to how most of you could NEVER DO THAT. Not out of spite either. I wasn't kidding though. I actually do that. I don't even wanna get into the half of where this journey took BOTH OF US that I more than did my part and she did too.
I knew she couldn't help the flaws she had due to her depression 'cause of her approach to the things she COULD HELP and control. Anything that she DID have control over, she controlled. Trust me. It took me awhile to figure that out though. By awhile, I mean YEARS. Once I did though, I was able to never charge those type of things 'to her' again. Even when things got 'dark', I didn't.
I knew the truth.
The reason why she would do/act/etc the way she did. With that came another truth. I realized that if I WASN'T AROUND/awake/etc, things could South really quick and turn into what we are all facing today.
I mean I already knew I wanted her to be mine, but that day, I made the decision to 'walk the walk THAT she walking on with her.' We only discussed it once well over a decade ago. Only had to once at least by name. It would be linked to every discussion that we had from that day forward though.
Even in the face of me resigning that things could end this way, I NEVER GAVE UP HOPE that she would one day be well. Never. I had several good reasons not to. I was married to her for one and that in itself says you aren't supposed to abandon your partner. We had children. Then of course there was the love I had for her. No reason to jump off the ship, no matter how high the waves got.
I'm going to give you a POSITIVE about her in this post. She was FIGHTING TOO. She fought off all of her demons for the better part of her thirty four years on this Earth to accomplish great things. Being a great mother. Being a CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER at the age of 33 and not of some lil lemonade stand type business. She won accolades all along the way and the hearts and respect of many. She never STOPPED FIGHTING EITHER.
I know you may not believe that but TRUST me, she did not stop fighting. Maybe that is what has some of you 'conflicted'? That the person you knew was so well put together that she possibly couldn't have done this. I'm here to tell you that the 'put together' part wasn't a mirage but the pain was real. In the end, the pain and turmoil unfortunately won out.
MJ put up a helluva fight though. Lasted longer than a VAST MAJORITY OF FOLKS I KNOW who have had to fight that fight. I think that it may be looked at like she 'gave up' but you didn't even realize she was fighting the WHOLE TIME YOU KNEW/OF HER, so you didn't know what she looked like when she was FIGHTING. Ya dig?
This probably isn't the last version of this you are gonna see here. I'm actually not doing these so much for others as I am doing it for myself. To let it out. To talk about it. Don't worry, one day, I WILL STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS. When I have exhausted my time talking about it, I won't go into it anymore. It will be a vaulted door so you better enjoy it now. Only when I want to though. That's my way. You have yours. I have mine. I feel like talking so that's what I'm gonna do. *shrugs*
Maybe now the cryptic 'poem' I wrote makes more sense.. @ this revelation. Maybe now some of the things I wrote when I 'blacked out the blog' are a little clearer.