!2/10/05... Well now it is the 11th and seven years ago, I was still sleep at this time. Having partied for a good portion of the night at my wedding reception with a few close friends. Seven years later, I am sitting here awake. Not really wondering 'What if' so much...not even wondering 'why'. Just sitting here wondering....
Reflecting
Laughing
Crying
Sometimes feeling everything.
Sometimes feeling numb.
I thought it was the 'day' that would be tough. @ anniversary. I don't know anymore though... Just don't know...They are all pretty damm tough for their own reasons..
The lead photo is a piece that hung prominently around my home and in her office. It is a nice piece too. Succinct. To the point. Good message. Very positive.
Imagine though, if you will, that you didn't have that switch that allowed you to actually execute that? That, despite being wildly successful, your need for perfection is parched. Unfulfilled. A World where everyone is telling you that you are 'the shit' but you pretty much feel because you didn't get XYZ done, you are but a stain....
Imagine taking 'not resting on your laurels' to the tenth power. Truly not understanding that not DOING EVERYTHING ISN'T quitting at all. It is merely NOT DOING EVERYTHING. Imagine being able to tell EVERYONE ELSE THAT and making sure they do that but failing MISERABLY and doing that for yourself.
Now imagine having that switch and getting mad at yourself for failing to do the last paragraph...
See the dilemma now?
You would be at yourself coming and going. One for not achieving the lofty (and attainable to you since you are perfect or strive to be) goals and then EQUALLY mad (and thus making things even more maddening) at yourself for not being able to rationally think 'It is okay.. I did my best.. Things worked out well.. I'm good'.
If you got all of that then maybe you 'understand' more than you think....
Now imagine someone watching someone else EAT THEMSELVES ALIVE with this battle. Day...after...day....after day.
Imagine my underlying feelings for that piece then once you look at it in that fashion.
Finding evil in good since 1973... @ me.. smh
Good intentions..more fuel to the fire...
Silver lining. I found out running this makes me eligible for some things that will benefit my family. Who knew a simple business license would do so much? Really good news on that front. I had to go back to my old job to handle that and to my surprise JUST ABOUT EVERYONE I KNEW HAD MY WIFE'S OBIT in their cubicle. Mind you, I haven't seen them in 6 years.... Hadn't talk to ANYONE there. They were surprised to see me and their reception really did help.
Prayers and thoughts are helping.. In case you are wondering.
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