Published date: 9/17/21 11:46 AM
This series is a new one. Thoughts I had in real time that I didn't publish for one reason or another..
THIS IS ONE EXPERIENCE. THIS IS ONE EXPERIENCE. THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE. THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE. Others may vary. I can only speak on mine. Read it again before you feel a way. READ IT AGAIN BEFORE YOU FEEL A WAY.
Being widowed is something that I WISH I could not identify with AT ALL. No matter how you are thrust into the situation, you could never imagine the amount of crap it comes with.
Do you tell people? Do you not tell people? Do you correct people when they assume (Rightfully so..) that your children's parent is alive? Do you even bother to put it in your status only to 'spring it on someone' later on?
Is your 'life' over? Do you deserve someone else? Shit, can you even GET SOMEONE ELSE TO STAY?
The shit is endless and almost seems HOPELESS, until, YOU FIND SOMEONE. Hell, you find SEVERAL SOMEONES and now, it's back to the basics of dating briefly. You find out you have choices. You think, okay, this is SIMILAR to anyone else who is dating. Divorced. Regular relationship breakups, etc. Sure, there's baggage and things that the other person has to deal with but my former mate is in the ground, this finna to be a BREEZE. This isn't like a divorce/breakup where I could always go BACK TO THE PERSON. This is usually everyone's biggest fear right? Going BACK TO THE PERSON before. I literally can't do that. There's no threat.
That is until you realize that most people feel like they are competing against a ghost. A ghost's who has been eulogized. A relationship that usually is well documented so the person coming in KNOWS the capabilities of the person that they are pursuing. I'm starting to realize that no matter WHAT I DO, there's always going to be some form of that with someone. A snide remark about 'Not being her..". A reference to 'What you are used to...". The remarks out of anger that people make. Of course, I respond so this isn't about me being an angel. I also have limits. I don't pick at folks's old wounds like that. The thing about suicide though it is if you belong to certain religions, you may feel like you can speak glibly about my situation on some moral shit. All while posting shit about your own mental health. You can say certain things and they be justified. That's the kind of thing that's not going to sit well with me. Especially if you are out here committing a vast majority of the Sins in the Good Book yourself. Having sex with me (or anyone) without marriage isn't exactly smiled upon in that Book last I checked. Neither is gluttony....well.. you get the picture. The chasing of the ghost that you NEVER REQUIRED THEM TO CHASE is a deathtrap. Period. It's hard to see at first though because like I said, dating a widower is HARD and you have to give people SOME LEEWAY. You really do. After awhile though, there's nothing hard about seeing it. Every conflict will come back to it. Trust me.
Folks see us as someone that they'd want to love them, hear the stories of love about the previous relationship and rightfully think "Hey, I'd like to be loved by that person in the way that they LOVED the person they lost!". This doesn't sound like a bad thing now does it? I mean, after all, who DOESN'T WANT TO BE LOVED? Who wouldn't want a person who has proven that they are at least WILLING to do 'till death do us part? I mean, HELL I DO if it's proven that you can do it. It makes sense. Until you don't factor in reality. The reality is, there was more than likely time invested in that relationship that you want. Sacrifices. Some you may make and some you may not. It's not as simple as 'Love me like you loved her.." It's just not. You are YOU. I have to figure out if you can even LOVE ME. Or if I can love you. Sure, I have all the 'qualities' you are looking for but that doesn't mean shit if you can't love me for me or I for you.
Here's another issue. Folks may pity us. Think that they can 'fix us'. Do the thing that the other person couldn't do. All of these things are NO GOOD for a real relationship. Do not need your pity. Do not need to be 'fixed'. All these things do is fuel that 'chasing the ghost' thing honestly because now you are comparing yourself to 'her' again. On YOUR OWN. Not of my doing.
You can't have me without my past. My past EXISTED before you and while nobody wants to hear anyone speak about the person your person loved who is dead ALL THE TIME, their existence doesn't get erased because you now want the person or get to have them. ESPECIALLY IF YOU AREN'T THE VIRGIN MARY yourself. Divorced. Had relationships. Your past is usually RIGHT IN MY FACE TOO. I'm sure I will encounter a person with a deceased spouse/parent of their kid but I haven't yet. They are ALL ALIVE AND WELL. Very present and they make REAL CONFLICTS. Not the ones made up in people's heads.
A widower is USUALLY the perfect person to understand YOUR SITUATION as far as having a past though. Understanding may look like indifference though if you aren't a secure person. There's no ranting and raving usually. There's no 'explaining over and over again' why have to talk to that person due to shared custody or why they can make you angry and it's not about you 'still being in love with them'. Just understanding and space to do what you need to do. Solution based movments because that's how we had to carry it. We've usually had to truly GET OVER and MOVE PAST something so we know how to give people space/and no shit to do it. Even when we shouldn't have to as you should be coming to us like you expect us to come to you. Over your past situations.
As the widower, if you have children, there's definitely probably going to be trouble. Double forget it if you have one that looks like the deceased spouse. All types of issues will come up that you can't even IMAGINE.
Are you trying to relive the past through that child? You can never be nice to that child because it means that you are 'projecting your feelings about your deceased spouse' onto and through that child. I try not to be gender specific but as a man, I must say that the fact that my middle daughter looks like Melissa spit her out at times, UNERVES even the most secure women. Any sense of insecurity I want to sniff out of a person? I can just bring her around. The shit is like a dog at Customs. It comes out QUICK and ugly. Almost even shocks the person themselves. They say things like "I don't know why I acted that way...". Just pure ugly and evil.
The folks I've had the MOST TROUBLE FROM ironically enough are divorced people with children. While they aren't the same situation as one is voluntary and one isn't, there is a common tie here. The treatment of a person who has children and the treatment of the parent because there is a past tie. Remember when I said we ,as widower, are understanding people for the most part? This is a BIG AREA where we are. Unfortunately, due to other circumstances, we aren't always given THE SAME GRACE and it's a shame. I could understand custody battles, custody SITUATION CHANGES and your children coming first but I rarely get TRUE CONSIDERATION because Melissa committed suicide. It comes right down to that. Sacrificing for my kids as a man is CELEBRATED AND FROWNED UPON all at the same time by most women who pursue me. Of course it's admirable when they get to tell their friends/family, I'm a (decent by my account) great Father. Let that 'great parenting' get in the way of me doing for them in some way? Get in the way of them seeing me. It's a different story. I said get in the way. Not STOP. Get in the way..
Forget when I gotta say 'no'. Women already don't do 'no' as it is but great Father or not, they aren't very accepting of that. I have to be Mr. Flexibility ( and I am) with them and their kids situation's though. Hell , their LIFE SITUATIONS. Job losses. Finacial losses. Mama and Daddy issues. All of that. Lest I be a women hater or a Nenanderthal. It's the thing WOMEN LOVE ABOUT ME. It's also the thing they hate when it comes down to it. Even AND ESPECIALLY when I put them under my umbrella of protection/providing. Imagine a grown woman, with RESOURCES AND ABILITIES OF HER OWN, getting mad because I can't drop my responsibilities to help her? This is the kind of thing I've gone through. On VARIOUS LEVELS. Including a few extreme ones.
Also forget me ever feeling anything short of contempt for Melissa for not being here. Anything less than that for most women is considered 'not letting go of her'. Which is wild as fuck. Then again, most of them that I meet do NOT HAVE GREAT RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR CO-PARENT so they only know war anyway. Even those that long for peace still can't bring themselves to understand why I have no contempt for her. It's as if I me wishing she was still here to see her kids do stuff is an AUTOMATIC proclamation of love for her. As if there's SOMETHNG WRONG with that. You see, woman love that I can love and have loved BUT ONLY WANT ME TO LOVE THEM it seems. I'm serious. Not even my kids have been exempt. Most have been hurt so much that they are looking for someone to 'love the hurt of the past away and only be there for them to receive from'. Loving me is a means to an end to me loving them....they are also looking for....
...That dopamine hit love. You know the love I'm talking about.
I'm never afraid to love. Losing Melissa didn't take that away from me. I can't believe me typing those words triggers some people like it was THEIR LOSS. Anyhow, I know how to love. I love my own way though and it didn't 'change' because of her death. Her death actually brought it out even more once I moved on through the different stages of grief. I didn't lose her because of how I loved her either. I've had someone very recently try to convince me of that. Someone who never even knew her. Wild times. I bet they are even reading this now, livid that the post couldn't just solely be about them. Even with the dissolution of our relationship being their idea. *
Speaking of that, that's another part of being widowed that sucks when dating.. Her death brings out more doctors and shrinks than a little bit. Be prepared to be put on the couch. Usually by someone else who is currently scheduled with visits to a professional's couch with the meds to match. "I can't imagine what it must have been like.." will QUICKLY TURN INTO the person imagining, making up shit and flat out lying about WHAT IT MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE. Quickly. I have found more folks with 'issues' than I care to ever know. Folks who claim I'm closed off but run through folk's phones at the first insecure thought in their head. Folks who want you to cut off ALL YOUR FRIENDS of another gender, change how you move all while keeping their contacts, monkey branching to other dudes and giving up on the relationship during times that they've called you everything but a Child Of God. I'm not sure if that is necessarily because I'm widowed or more about dating period though. I just know it's extra annoying.
I actually RESPECT the woman that say "I couldn't date a widower.' Not on some backhanded shit either. Truly respect it. They know what they want, what they can handle and what they can't. If you need to be FIRST at First, do not date a widower. Especially if they have kids. Just save everyone the waste of time. They can't put you 'first' but they can put you under their 'umbrella of people they care about and can do for' until they're done parenting. Just LIKE YOU. Hell, I might even take it as far as saying you shouldn't date a REAL FATHER EITHER because these same rules apply. He's going to pick his kids over you every time at least until they can fly on their own. Just like you are going to do for yours over him. Difference is, he's not out here looking for someone to pick him 'first sometimes'. You are. Go where you can get that. Go date 'sometimes Daddy' who can relate to you having kids but can still put you first at all times. Someone you can tell your family he can relate to your situation and occasionally has his kids because it's usually just 'good times only', you can take family pictures with on those rare outings all of your kids are together. Or date a man without kids, as many of those folks stated they would do. I see NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. At all. It's their choice and right.
I have had this happen. I've had women get mad that I'm not 'finding a babysitter to stay with my kids' or leaving them alone SOLELY because they think I should do so to see them. That I've not missed activities of my kids for them or irreplacable moments like the birth of my granddaughter just to accomodate their needs. These aren't things I'm speculating on here. I've had it happen and the person has done it with a straight face and SHEER ANGER when it didn't go her way.
The entitlement is high out here. It is especially high when effort is considered to be 'Good morning texts', allowing you to solve their problems, some occasional sex and gracing you with a bad attitude because they deserve. All while CLAMORING ON AND ON ABOUT WANTING YOU TO COMMIT to them in some other ways than you are already committed to them. Folks want more but don't give more. More for me is things like information. I hate being blindsided with FACTS that you know about yourself that are going to be an issue. Give me the chance to decide to deal with it. Don't put me in the situation and then get mad when I naturally react to it because..well.. YOU MESSED UP. I'm going to help. I'm going to think about it through to. I'm also going to evaluate whether or not the 'more you want' is going to hurt me because you keep things from me until they get messy. Who wants to commit FURTHER to that? Do not take the fact that I've gotten past a death of a spouse as some permission to put me through bullshit because I can 'take it'. No. I've been SUPER upfront about my situation. It's DOCUMENTED HERE. I've sent people HERE to read it. I don't expect this level of detail but I do expect information way sooner than later.
Again, read from the top, this isn't me speculating. This is from my experience. Two sides to these experiences mind you and those people have their own space with their versions I'm sure. I'm just telling my side so I don't have to sit with it. It's out there. Free and outta me. They know what I'm talking about in certains spots here so I apologize in advance if you are like 'I'd love to know SPECIFICALLY what he's talking about here.." I do have a line and this is it.. @ no full disclosure.
Have a I met anyone nice? I HAVE. I promise I have. This post isn't about that though. This is about the ugly side of it.
*At the time of this writing, this was the case. At the time of RELEASING IT FROM THE DRAFTS, that relationship was again ended.....by me this time. So we are clear.
