I think by now, if you are here, you know the story. My wife committed suicide. She suffered from depression. I have children. I'm living Life. I'm not the first widowed person nor will I be the last. It's still my story and life so I'm the one who has to live it and through the experience I've learned way more than I cared to ever know about myself. Including the following.
I CLEARLY must have 'baggage handler' written on my forehead in invisible ink. It seems that I meet a lot of people who hear the story/see the kind of person I am, think of how 'strong' I must be and immediately dump their bag at my feet and ask for the total commitment of fixing their woes and problems from me. Like it is my job. It seems to always go the same too. It goes from 'That was so sweet that you did that for her' to 'Why can't you do that for me?" Then I'm always confused... Rinse. Repeat.
I seem to promptly take a deep breath, grab their bags and attempt to help them unpack them. Every time. You know because that's what 'love is all about' right? How does that meme go:
I cannot believe how wholeheartedly I used to pretty much live by this phrase and then have the audacity to wonder why things went how they did..smh
Oh and my other favorite... smh
One time? Okay. You got it. Two times....eh... THREE TIMES? Yeah Bro, you gotta look at your motto. Sorry. This where the rubber meets the road.
Nah, your demons can't come anymore. I've had enough of taking on others demons. They are yours to handle and you better be taking active steps to take care of them. On your own. Without me. Will I SUPPORT YOU? Absolutely. Will I take them on as my own? Nope. I'm especially not down for being punished for things I have not done. None for me thanks. You need not be perfect but you also need not be lashing out at me over things I didn't do. This is where I am at with it now in Life. You mad because my wife got that total commitment? Keep it moving. You won't get it. We are older now for one and for two, I'm just not doing it. I have a whole different Life now and I do not have time.
It's time I take some of the accountability for being in the situations though. Not because I helped Melissa. Nope. That's done and over with and the fruits of our marriage are what they were. I have to take accountability because I needed to learn that I shouldn't have to help fix anyone. Letting anyone's demons have a life or a place in my Life should not happen anymore. I shouldn't have to love someone through their baggage because I stayed with Melissa until she was gone or allow them to try to guilt me into putting up with their mess because of it. I made a commitment there and I honored it and quite honestly, it was a different situation too. Children. Marriage. Etc. I don't have to 'sign up for again' in any capacity. Especially not in some fairy tale made up capacity where the events of my Life are cobbled together by heresay and wishful spiteful thinking by folks who weren't even around at the time. Matter of fact, while nobody is perfect, I should certainly not be signing up for it again in any capacity. I probably should be avoiding it to be frank.
Yet, there I was. Living by those mottos above. Thinking 'Well you are flawed Mark so you gotta put up with that.." Nope. I don't. Some of you TOLD ME THAT. Hell, I've told SIMILIARLY FLAWED PEOPLE that. Some things just aren't going to work out if certain things are present. It is what it is.
No more. There's a big difference between accepting flaws and just carrying someone's bag. Allowing them to have you think that you have to carry it or you are selfish. Egotistical. Or just a plain dick if you don't.
Nobody has to deal with anyone. Ever. It's not about being a bad person either. Both people can be good people who are just a bad fit. Their situations don't match up. That's it.
Get a therapist though folks. Stop laying your baggage at people's feet to carry. You see baggage that you don't like, don't pick it up. I think there's room for both sides to get some of this here blame. I understand that in folk's weakened states, the trauma bonding happens. It shouldn't though. Especially if the traumas aren't the same. Hell, even if they are we are all different people and we all handle our traumas differently and we certainly shouldn't be 'bonding over it' That breeds folks wanting others to skip steps or handle trauma the same way they do. We are different people with different minds and different hearts. No wrong way to handle your trauma. It's definitely wrong to push your way onto someone else or to snub your nose at their pain.
This has been a hard lesson for me to learn due to the nature of my spirit. My nature is to help others FIRST. To overlook flaws to an extent. Outside of my kids, I have a tendency to put others first emotionally. Maybe not always physically but emotionally I do. They get space they don't earn or lovebomb their way into and when I balk or realize it, it's my fault for introducing them to a vibe I can't maintain. I'm going to be real here. They aren't shit for doing it like that but I should stop letting them doing it. Also, vibes are going to change because situations change. I hear people yelling 'consistency' like Life doesn't ebb and flow. Context people. Context. Learn it.
There are all types of 'therapist phrases/words' for what I am and what the people are who thrive off of having relationships of ANY KIND with people like me. We throw them around so much that I don't even want to use them here. It almost always ends up being a 'word war' of who can throw the most terms down. I think you know the terms and I'm going to assume you are a sane person and can use Google. What I will say is that while people like me are 'preyed upon due to our good nature' it ultimately imperative that we learn how to stop putting ourselves in these situations. Repeatedly. At some point, we have to take some ownership here. We see the signs. We see the flags. Hell, we often RUN TO THEM thinking that we can 'love them through it and they will be perfect for us'. Nope. Nah. We can't love them through that. They aren't our little project. They are people. They need to fix their own shit and we need not accomodate the bullshit just to say we loved someone when they were down. Nothing wrong with loving someone who is at the stage of being their complete self.
This is me attempting to do that while not changing who I am as a person. It is admittedly hard because then I think it will take away from my ability to be empathetic. I know if I go too far to the left and I will join the harden folks who question everything and trust no one pretty much ever all while trying to build something that requires neither thing's presence. I'll be the guy that hates the opposite sex but yet still wants to 'build something real' with them. All while poking holes in the boat with my childish behavior because I'm holding on to hurt from the past that they didn't cause. Definitely not going out like that. @ me. Too far to the right and I'm back to accepting being Baggage Boy. Gonna have to find the center and stick to it. lol
I'm no longer performing the task of 'bag handler'. I was never here to make up for all the shit someone else went through anyway but by picking up folk's bags and basically PROMISING to carrying them, I was basically signing up to do just that. Carry that bag and all the insecurities, games and healing on the fly that comes with that. "Be a man....the man my Father rr MY KID'S FATHER never was.." I can't take his place and I'm done trying to do that for anyone. I'm done carrying the bag of the guy who repeatedly cheated on you while you took care of his babies. Didn't change a diaper or wake up for a night feeding while you took care of your babies. The guy who is not half the father that I am to my children and neglects yours. The guy who never prioritized his kids over anything he had going on or openly loved your or your craft. Who always shitted on what you had going on and never supported it. The guy who made it so you think it's cool to go through phones. Or the guy who ripped your heart out of your chest. I'm done. I don't need residual hate for my current actions/standing in Life because of your past bullshit. Come healed from that or don't come to me at all.
This is very specific. On purpose. Don't think I'm making blanket statements here. I'm not. It's my experience. My sample size. You may not have a "Daddy' issue so please don't project if you are reading this and we don't know each other. I promise it's not like that. I'm just speaking on what I've allowed here. Thanks. We can talk about men and their 'Mommy issues' later. I promise. :) (No, I don't have them but we can touch on it..)
Well what about you? So you are telling me that you aren't asking folks to carry your bags Mr. Blogger? I mean, what about what comes with YOUR situation? - You
Super glad you asked. No. I don't ask. I barely talk about it actually outside of here on the blog. As you can see, it's been three years since I've even talked about my situation publicly (even with the missing posts). Anyone being honest with themselves knows that I don't talk about it because they had to REPEATEDLY ASK ME ABOUT IT in order to hear my thoughts. Nah, I don't ask people to carry the bags that come with it. I actually WARN people about it. What usually happens is they belittle the situation and compare it other things it is not. Divorce. A bad break up. A split custody situation, Etc, Etc. That's not on me. It's a different situation. Not 'worse'. Just different. So asking someone to 'carry a bag from my situation' in regards to something they truly can't even fathom is stupid. I wouldn't dare. In the event that they HAVE GONE THROUGH IT, I don't even have to say anything or ask them to carry a bag either. Nor will they TRY. They know the nuances of the situation and that people handle things differently. They have an understanding even if they DON'T HANDLE THEIR SITUATION THE WAY I HANDLE MINE.
I could EASILY be afraid everyone who suffers from some things but I am not. What I am wary of now is taking on the burden of 'fixing that person' or 'loving them through it' while putting up with the residuals of the pain caused by previous people/situations. I'm just saying I won't even PARTAKE IN IT. My ego, pride and sense of loving someone aren't built for that kind of thing anymore. I'm done. Yes, it got exhausted and my capacity for it is used up. I'm not Jesus nor do I pretend to or want to be. I can retire from the role. Those mottos I used to live by that I thought I needed to employ to get 'love' aren't for me at this stage of my Life. I know that now. I tried it. It's not for me. That's not my ministry.
Here's what I don't need though in regards to my Life. Someone who feels like I should just 'get over it' that she died. Someone who is secretly jealous of how I treat my kids due to their own past or their own kid's father not treating theirs that way. Someone who wants to erase her memory, make the memories taste like acid by belittling her/her children or their or my grieiving process. Someone who wasn't around, inventing their own version of what happened in a Life they know nothing about. Someone who doesn't respect boundaries. Someone who doesn't understand that I have the capacity to love MANY PEOPLE and my love is not something that they get to control and dole out at their discretion. If you need me to love pretty much you and only you in all capacities, I don't need you around. Period. Why here? So it is on record. I've verbally done this but... denial. Can't deny it if it is in writing. *shrugs*
We've definitely moved on appropriately as far as the death of Melissa is concerned. We never stopped moving forward. We've graduated schools. Moved into professions. Parented. Cried. Laughed. Loved. Still haven't forgotten. We won't forget. It's not a divorce. It was a death. They aren't the same. You don't get to 'purge' her outta here, release some balloons every November and that's it. That's not how this works over here. My kids will talk about her. Her name is gonna come up. I'll talk about her if I see fit. Pictures are gonna pop up. Her friends are going to celebrate her as well.. duh..they are her friends. I'm not gonna not talk to her family members to sooth your ego. They will accept you for you but you gotta come correct. Just like your family, friends, etc would expect of me. My middle kid looks just like her. It's a fact. You gotta get over it. You are gonna hear about it. People try to be respectful but once EVERY 50 TIMES it's gonna get said. Deal with your own childhood traumas of younger child syndrome on your own time. @ projecting anything you may see with my children that drags up old childhood memories of your own. You aren't the only one who 'deserves' here..
You aren't competing with her. For lots of reasons. The main one being she's no longer alive. She has a place in my heart and if THAT ALONE BOTHERS YOU, you shouldn't deal with me or anyone who has ever been in the situation. I dare say you shouldn't be dealing with anyone at all until you lose that mentatlity but I digress. You aren't going to 'love me enough' for her to not have a place. You certainly aren't going to accomplish it by belittling her and making comments about how much of a better person you are because you are alive and she is not to parent her children. So if you feel a way about HOW she died, you should gracefully bow out too. Your presence is not needed.
I TOTALLY understand that this situation isn't ideal for a lot of people. I just need folks to stay away from me if they think they are going to change or erase things.
This isn't an impassioned plea to someone in the past either. That shit is all the way dead. Trust me. This is about the future. This is about me. I PROBABLY NEED TO READ THIS BLOG OVER AND OVER MYSELF way more than any of you need to read it. The last time I introduced someone to the blog, their spirit was shaken and I thought I could love them through it. They all but told me this wasn't going to work every step of the way while they still tried to front like the situation was for them and my dumb ass kept trying to put a square peg into a round hole. No more. I put it ALL OUT THERE. I'm not changing that part. I'm just going to change the part where I ignore the signs that the situation is just not for them. I'm just not going to pick up their bags and try to love them through the situation.....
Sincerely,
A Retired Bag Handler
We live how we live. Through proper planning, the current situation is what it is. You don't like it? Don't come near me. Period.
