In light of my BEST friend (Congratulations fam! Third times the charm homie!- DJ Drama) expecting his third child and some of the other questions/postings I am seeing in regards to child bearing & men, I thought I would make a 'little' post on it. Nothing that is 'fail safe'. This isn't some damm informerical or something. Just a few things that I (I have three daughters in case you DIDN'T KNOW.) that may help some fellow males out. Things to know. Things that MAY work OR JUST SOME SUPPORT PERIOD.
I will say these two things. The following things are NOT FOOL PROOF. I am not saying them to demean anyone else's experiences, knowledge, or ways of doing things. They may not all work. They may all work. Who knows. Everyone is different. I am just giving a little bit of what I have seen and heard throughout my years as both a father/friend/confidante/etc/etc......Number two, I am in no way telling you to just 'lay down'. You can still be a man and all of that stuff. I am just saying one needs to 'bend a little bit' for this period of time. Now if you want to continue to be macho man and go at her like she isn't pregnant, FINE. Do what you do. Hope it all works out for you. I will say this, I have seen the 'thuggest of the so called thugs' have to switch up code to deal with this situation. That's all I am saying...
You need to remember that she needs you to give effort but you probably aren't going to get 'credit' for giving said effort. If this is what you are used to getting from your woman, you need to resolve right now that it may not flow the way it usually does. Yes, I know, this sucks and under normal circumstances this is not acceptable. You are going to have to give some sorta leeway on this one though 'cause she has another human being inside of her stealing her air, food, blood and sometimes 'common sense' (jokes ladies). Something whether we like it or not, we won't have to deal with physically. So to a point you are going to have to suck it up and be a man. Now, I can't call that point for you but I will tell you RIGHT NOW I am not talking about giving another 15% or some small number like that. I am talking SUPER TOLERANT. You are going to have let some of the 'slick talk' slide. In addition, you are going to have to make sure you don't do anything on purpose to piss her off either. Probably not the best time to make her soda explode or to run around jumping from behind corners.
Whatever your 'indoor'/keep you at home hobbies are BREAK THEM OUT. They will save you. Understand that they will also be referred to as the 'Debil's tools' and garner equal ire though. Do put any materials needed for said hobby up when you are not home (during the rare times you aren't) so that they don't destroyed accidentally get destroyed.
Don't listen to your (non baby having/bitter relationship with the mother of their children) friends. They want you to be miserable just like you. You don't have to be. This is YOUR SITUATION. You (should) know the mother of your child so you should know what to do and what not do in certain situations. Leave all the drama over there with them. These nine months should not include calls to the police station and restraining orders. I don't care what ANYONE SAYS. That shit isn't normal. It might include a night on the couch or twelve but other than that, things shouldn't be that bad. This is not the Jerry Springer show and as a man about his business, you should be doing all in your power to keep it that way. Obviously, if you are getting advice of what NOT to do to make the situation worse, you should at least ponder that but none of that 'vengeful and vicious cycle type action. That should be avoided at all costs. Ego included. Damm what the cats in the 'shop have to say about it or your cousins who don't have to deal with your situation on a day to day basis. This is your life and situation. No one wants to deal with charges and court dates anyway I would hope....
In the case of you gentleman who are not cohabiting with the mother of the child, cherish your time at your own domain. Do be available to slide over and give assistance when necessary though and understand that may include you staying at her place or having her stay at yours. Have some decency about the situation.
In either case it is important to:
Keep the lines of communication open between the two of you.
Exercise restraint.
Be patient.
Be understanding.
Do stand firm on things you want but try to empathetic to her needs.
Understand that even after she has the baby, her hormones will still be outta wack. For up to two years. Some cases are shorter. Some are longer. You can almost automatically tack on some more time if we are talking multiple pregnancies (having children back to back basically), significant unwanted changes in body types and hell just having another person to look after and care for without proper help (That is a hint. Take it.) All of these things factor in. All of these things I 'knew' but I am telling you now, I wish someone would have etched in my head a little harder at least the first time.
Look, I don't mean to scare you off, make it sound horrid or anything like that. This is just the truth of the matter. It is a wonderful time if done properly but even if done properly there will usually still be rough patches. There is a reason why you hear people (especially dudes that are involved in these 9 months as well) say 'I grew up a lot during that time.' You have to. You become more tolerant. Even the most tolerant person does most of the time. It is a necessary evil to make it through.
Oh and one more thing. I sort of touched on it up top but I will go back into it a little bit more. You will have to hear 'Well she is pregnant...' @ every thing you may mention negatively in regards to her and her actions. Like I said up top, some leeway has to be given. There is hope though. Usually her mother or some other female that she respects will take pity on you if you do your part and get in her ear about how she is 'treating you'. So you may get some relief from this person(s) via support, an ear and sometimes intervention. So if you see her huddled up on the phone or that person says they are coming over, get outta the way. Let that happen. Let her go out with 'the girls' when they plan things that are "I am pregnant' friendly. It will help alleviate some of the 'blahs' of being pregnant. She needs to get out of the house too.
These are just some of the things to go along with the main things we are always told to do like 'Tell her she is beautiful'/'Be her maid'/ and the other stuff. Just little stuff. Hopefully they will help you. As you go through this remember that this is ALL IMPORTANT training for when the child gets here. I firmly believe that. Simply because for some people, this is the first time in their ENTIRE LIVES they have to worry about someone else besides themselves on a regular basis and there is no 'monetary gain'/or some big physical reward/or the job ends at some point. This is a thankless job. So this step is needed to me. Yes, some people skip over it but that just speaks to what I am talking about @ them having trouble adjusting to having someone else dependent on them/being a parent/showing patience/knowing when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em/etc/etc. All of this is a part of it. That is the nonchalant attitude that you are hearing from your 'elders' when you complain about it. It is all part of the process. Hope this helps someone out there.
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