November 18th, 2023. Still being able to have joy for others.

Her death never took that from me. 

Losing my Mama and Daddy never took this from me. 

Life hasn't taken this away from me. Bitter exes sure the fuck can't, that's for sure. I'm going to post what I want when I want and take pleasure in what Life has to offer. 

Nothing can take it from me. 

It is who I am. 

More importantly, my ability to have that joy starts WITHIN. Nothing can take away my joy from within. It's in there. I may be more protective of who I share it with in the future but it definitely still present and alive. 

Knowing this, I know I'm doing just fine... 

Today has been pretty good actually. Of course, I know what day it is. Just like in the previous years, I'll keep going forward. 

Some of you have let Life take this blessing away from you and all I can say is...

Please stay far away from me. 😇

Read More

Dear Granddaughter,

Hey there sweet little baby. Not matter what year you read this, you will always be that in my eyes. Sorry. Not. Sorry. 

I'm sure that if you are reading this, that means I'm gone. Long gone probably. Maybe you got to know me or maybe I'm some faint memory that your mama, your Titis, and others have had to fill in the blanks to let you know about how it was when you were little. It doesn't matter. You are reading these words now so enjoy them in the moment. 

You are two as I'm writing this entry today. Just turned so in August 2023. Don't worry, in this particular writing anyway, I won't be putting your picture up or even saying your name. Besides, if you got here, you already know this was meant for you. The context clues are already there for you. You are a smart girl. Always have been. 

The day you came, just like your mama and your aunties, things changed.  That's how Life works yanno. Your impact was IMMEDIATE. The love for you was ALWAYS THERE. You came into the World with love surrounding you. Big task. Big responsibilities, even if you are not my child. Big task. Big responsibilities because you are not my child too. I've had to show restraint in cases I would have taken over and taken over in places I would have shown restraint. Crazy right? You had that kind of impact. 

You've brightened days when it looked like all was lost. You've reminded the household of what it is like to have a baby around and put some things into a perspective that my words could NEVER DO. Taught lessons I've been trying to prepares others for all these years. You've made sense of things that folks just couldn't comprehend until they saw it in action. Happening to themselves. Not just your mother either. 

You are unique. Vibrant. Smart. Cunning. Mischevious. Brave and Cautious all at once. All the things. All of things. 

You are serving your purpose right now and you are doing it without knowing it. Purely. Just as it should be. 

I won't speak on your Father here other than to address him in this paragraph. I hope that things are well with him and that whatever the relationship is in regards to you and him, I hope that you are at peace with it. That is all that matters after all. Peace. It's not for any of us to say how you feel, what you should do or how you should handle it per say. Just live by the standards that have been set in your Life let that be your guide. At all times. 

I'm writing today to keep it simple. I love you. At this point, I'm the only man you know and I am that Father figure. It wasn't the plan but it is the reality. Hopefully, I've not fallen short of what that should be for you and if I have, I'm sorry. I'm just doing the best I know how with what I have to work with. None of it is intentionally harmful. Nobody has any malice. Try to remember that. 

I love you. I may never get to tell you these things during a time that you can TRULY hear me say them and take them in for what they are worth so here are all the things I want you to know. In writing. From me. In my own words. Life has taught me that we may have time but we need to say what we need say in that time before we don't have time. This is me doing that. Love you ya kid. 

Love, 

Pop Pop 

Read More

One of my favorite things to do..

Drive in good weather through pretty scenery. Just a few flicks from the past couple of months while traveling the roads..

I get to clear my mind on drives like this. Far away from anything. Anybody. Sure, the Internet is there but OTHER ASPECTS OF LIFE CALL and I answer every time. 😉

Always good to get away. I do it way more often than anyone truly ever knows. For my own sanity. 

Just out here, minding my own business. Like I always do... 

At peace. 

Read More

The Year 2025....

For most parents, especially those of us on our LAST kid, the graduating year of that kid is a pivotal moment. 

We are on a COUNTDOWN like no other. Let me be the first to say it. 

The difference for some of us is this....

We know parenting isn't OVER on that magical graduation day. 

Yes, there steps that are going to be made. School. Work. SOMETHING. 

Yes, there will be more free time for the parent as they transition hopefully from DOING THEIR JOB TO THE FULLEST to doing more for themselves. You've heard the sayings so I don't have to list them.. You've probably said them, live by them, etc... 

All of that exists to varying degrees for almost every parent at this stage but we ALL KNOW that it isn't over. 

They still usually need us in some capacity. 

Does that mean that we need to be on the immediate standby that we were on during their K-12th grade years?

NO. In fact, one should go live a little. Duh! It also doesn't mean that there won't be times when your young adult needs you. Hopefully, you've equipped them with all the tools they need to survive and if you are the 'sink or swim' type of parent, your conscious can be clear as you watch them doggy paddle through Life. This is where things start to split. 

The 'enabling' parent. Any kind of help is enabling in this case. Don't believe me. Ask anyone who didn't get any help. That's their stance. lol So we are just going to go with it. I'm being sarcastic here. Also, some folks don't consider free attendance to college, getting a job via their parents, etc help either so there's that..

Versus

The parent that doesn't 'enables' their children by letting them fail on their own miserably at first, only to come back and help with all kinds of ' I told you so.." The one that could have helped, let the kid refuse help, and then ends up having to help them when they are older when both parties have built of resentment. The 'child' needs help but they don't want to take it from the parent, who is now on their horse about the failures of the past. Failures that the parent probably pushed on the kid by putting pressure on them to do certain things and offering either help with heavy dose of control or no help at all. 

Most of us are TRUTHFULLY trying to fall in the middle. Letting them learn along the way but not letting them do damage or using our own experiences as a punishment towards them because 'we had to go through it' as the sole reason. It's bullshit. You are supposed to be a BETTER PARENT than your parents. Even if you were parents were GREAT. That's the bar. 

2025 is the last time I get to put that into practice. This kid is a totally different kid than my others. You also get better at parenting as you go or well YOU SHOULD. There are couple of things I've already done to hopefully make 2025 smooth. There's another factor with the real possibility of her playing collegiately in her sport so that changes the dynamic as I will want to see that. 

My situation is different because since I am a male, we usually aren't 'expected' to show up until graduation and then MAYBE if the kid does something in college. I said 'expected' like that because truth be told, there are some men who aren't involved at all. Until the day the kid walks the stage... Prior to that time, they spend their time ducking their responsibilities, putting it on the Mother and all of that stuff. 

I'm not that dude. Never been that dude. Being widowed didn't make me not that dude. That was NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. 

This is a situation that is not the product of that. I was who I was when I got here..- Jay-Z paraphrased. 

A real Father. Put in time and not just money Father. As I SHOULD BE so hold your applause. It's okay. Really. I have enough people who let me know I'm doing a FINE job. That doesn't change the facts. 

The facts are also that because I am this way AND I'm by myself, my shit gets put under the microscope extra hard. I'm also expected to abandon my kids if I want someone in my Life. Maybe even for her kids to some extent...

Or so I thought.. 

Finding out there are plenty of good women, attractive in both body and spirit to me, that DON'T FEEL THIS WAY. At all. 

This is makes the journey worth it more a bit. Oh, I was going to complete it ANYWAY because that's my job/mission/pleasure to do. I thought it was possible the entire time but Life is gonna Life and it dealt a blow to the plans. 

The fire is still there though. So are the options. So are the options.... 

Good luck to all of you parents, not only in 2025 but before and after.*

Remember, you are enough and it is worth it. All of it. 

Those that don't understand just don't need to be around and please don't give that understanding to someone else who won't truly give it to you back. It should be reciprocal. 

Keep going. Your kids will appreciate it hopefully but more importantly, you'll know that you did your best. 

*That graduating year of 2025 will be a CIVIL DAY on my end. I'm there for my kid. That's it. Hope all will be there for their kid only too. 

Read More

On Feeling Seen:

I've felt seen lately again.. 

Not in a physically attractive sense either. Although that definitely happens. Some folks see me just fine in that light but I also know that there's more to Life than that. It is nice though and it's not like it ever stopped. I just handled myself like I was in something because, well, I was. It's cool to see it though. That's not what really ever moved me. Unbeknownst to some people. I really need to be 'seen'. As a person. 

Not yammerimg on about the comments on my social media, although I know some of those people offline so I guess you could split that hair if you are a truly bitter person. I BEEN HAD THOSE comments though. They are nice. They should feel good for EVERYONE. Never gotten mad at anyone I've been with for getting them. I've never felt the need to tell that someone about them to try to gloat about it,  make them pay me more attention or to try to add extra sting during a breakup though. Then again, I don't lack whatever is missing in those type of people's lives in that way so I guess I'll never get it. They are comments. People like shit and you can enjoy them. It's not that deep. 

Some folks have recently encountered me in person and LITERALLY have seen me after MONTHS of me not having to see them at all. Not talkimg about that either..

No, I 'm talking in real Life EVERY DAY LIFE. People I really interact with on some basis. Or.. or... stranger's who do see the 'light in my eyes' after they meet me and aren't strangers anymore. Those that hear the things Life tends to throw at us all in some form and say "I still see that light in your eyes.. I still see you are focused on moving forward. That's good that you haven't let things turn you bitter.. "

I'm talking about THAT KIND OF SEEN. Where someone sees your spirit. Feels you energy. Appreciates it. Doesn't become envious of it. Doesn't try their best to break you down because of their own stuff. 

It's a great feeling to be seen in that way. Sure, folks acknowledge a few things here and there and that's fine. Usually things that they want to benefit from so they are stroking my ego so to speak. I've always seen through that but admit I've allowed some people to take advantage. No more though. No more free rides. 

I'm talking about just being truly seen here. With no benefit for the other people doing the seeing. To be fully seen AND appreciated though? That makes me WANT TO DO THINGS FOR THOSE PEOPLE. On a continued basis. Not a short term one. 

Priceless. 

Is this newfound energy? Nope. It's been there. How do I know? I've had someone tried to stamp out my fire, actively while I was with them and PERMANENTLY once I wasn't. 

That's how I know it's always been there. Never quite encountered such a person that close up. I know now though. I know now. 

Never dim your light for people. Either they can stand in the brightness with you or they can get the fuck on. 

I knew that. I just forget it for a second. I'm back now though BABY!! 

Read More

Aunties..Uncle..people who've existed since you have...

 

The post above from my Facebook says it all. This is where I am with that one. Even the ones I don't always see eye to eye with hold a special place in my heart. It just so happens that one of the ones I DO LOVE DEARLY looks to be embarking on that final straightaway soon. 

It's been a pleasure Uncle. You and my Pop Pop were the ones who showed me what kindness and patience looked like in a man. My Father cared so let's not get that all misconstrued.He often cited THESE TWO as his guide in that area. Which I thought was an awesome display of showing how to seek help from others. 

Praying for my cousins ast they wait. Praying for the same restraint I asked for during mine and anybody else's time of need. I have some STORIES about death and family and they all don't include me being in the center per say when it comes to my family and others. I know the history of how folks act very well so I'm praying for a 'peaceful' time. 

You see, I DO HAVE AN INNER CHILD. He just doesn't get to rule me ultimately. He DOES get to feel though. He's allowed that. He allows has been able to. He can't make decisions solely in my adult Life though. We have to live in the reality that is Life. 

Read More

Being looked like as 'prey'/Nobody's perfect/rejection..

I've come to realize that I'm being looked at as 'prey' because I've 'survived' some things. Folks feel entitled to a piece of me that they often think they don't have to earn and truthfully, I've allowed that because I assume their intentions are good. This results in my giving way too much country to folks who don't even deserve to be in my fucking air space. I assume they are good people by default. 

Learned that I shouldn't do that. Probaby wouldn't be fruitful to treat them like a criminal either though. Happy medium.  

To my discredit, I've ignored some things but let me tell you, the past 6 years has fixed that. It goes against my nature to not give people chances though because it makes the phrase 'Well nobody's perfect.." seem like PURE BULLSHIT if you aren't putting it into practice. The problem is, there are people who PREY ON THAT VERY MINDSET and I can no longer afford to put that into practice as my default. I know that ALL PEOPLE aren't bad so calm down. I'm not cutting off human contacts or no crazy shit. Acting like I can't connect with others on any level. I'm not going to become 'Every (fill in the blank) is stupid and crazy Guy. Fuck all that extreme shit. 

What I will (and have been doing) is just not letting people treat me like prey. That includes my REACTIONS to things. Reacting because I want to is fine though. I will still cuss you out. I will also try to do better about getting you up outta here before that point comes. Or when it comes to that point. We need not keep in contact. We are going to practice what we preach about 'not needing each other in our lives' anymore. To the fullest. See each other in passing and keep it moving. Sucks but hey man, it's better than being miserable BY FAR. This isn't a Hallmark movie fam. 

Loving my presence, missing my friendship, loving me period or being interested enough to see if you can love me. be with me etc is fine. I get that. Knowing that it won't 'work out'/isn't going to work out and still hanging on/trying to keep me around is asinine yet people seem to love to do it until they frustrate themselves into being pissed at me. Then they want to blame my ass for it. 

"If I could just change this, this and this about him..He'd be perfect.." - Them.

No. Nope. Nah. FUCK. OUT. OF. HERE. Yet..YET.. THIS IS WHAT I'M SEEING OUT HERE. I don't even think it's about 'me' at that point. It's about the person doing it and whatever their issues are.

I don't want that in my Life. 

I'm not here trying to 'change' nobody and honestly, even if I think you might 'evolve into what I think you should', I've LONG figured out I probably better get over that because you ARE WHO YOU ARE. It's best to accept that about you but accepting doesn't mean I need to BE WITH YOU. Especially if you aren't giving me that same treatment and are ACTIVELY trying to change me. I had to get around that part myself. 😎

People have been preying on me because I've let them continue this asinine process thinking that they are me. Like an idiot. They are not. They want to change me (or whoever they are with.) while I've accepted them for who they are fully. Just like they planned it! Acceptance doesn't mean 'liking everything'. Some of those things accepted are some UGLY truths. Truths I hate revealing that I accepted. 

How do I know people are preying on me on purpose? I stopped doing it. Mofos are OFFENDED. They want to know why I won't give them the same chances I gave before. 

Nobody's perfect right? Right? Give me that same leeway I've given you are I'm not even entertaining things. I can tell now when you are because I've cut down on the chances given. I might miss a few good ones that way too but I'm thinking at this point, in the range of people I deal with, some things should just be known. If it doesn't work out, let's part ways. Which brings me to another problem I'm personally seeing... 

On my end, since I only date women, it seems that folks don't take rejection/ending of a relationship too well. They not ONLY have to be the ones who did it but they THEN NEED TO SEE THE OTHER PERSON SUFFER without them to validate things. When they don't get to end things or there is no suffering, some tend to do shit like stalk, harass and even while juggling other dicks. Shit is sad asf. Out here doing another dude dirty releasing your venom on me but can't figure out why you can't get right? Okay girl (s). Time period doesn't matter here. I've had them act like this after a simple text exchange. A date. Claiming they don't move too fast but doing the EXACT OPPOSITE. Thank goodness, I've learned my lesson and get to cutting off the newer ones sooner but the 'Ghost' that is the orgin of this behavior is still a stalking as we speak. 

I do not want this in my Life. When I move on, I move on. No matter what. I'm not stalking nobody. I'm certainly not gonna harass them. I let Life handle the rest as far as ill feelings but I even let THOSE thoughts go because I don't want that in my Life either. Hurt feelings? Cool. You loved me? I get it. You thought you COULD love me OR you wanted me but I wasn't feeling you? I understand. Truly. Welcome to reality though where we all can't get what we want. Not even me. I didn't get what I wanted too but I'm not out here acting ID Channel nutty about it. I've been REJECTED. I've had my heart broken. You don't see me harassing and stalking women. 

I want peace. You have no peace? You have no me. I ain't arguing with nobody. I'm not repeating myself anymore. I'm going to hold you to what you say too so when you get 'mad' or fed up and say some dumb shit like..

"Just leave me alone and don't contact me..' "This isn't going to work.. "... "This isn't working.." 

I'm going to keep it right on moving and do just that. I'm going to HOLD YOU TO THAT. Your access to me is cut off. I'm cutting off your water to an extent DEPENDING ON HOW YOU ACT. 

If you act ID Channel nutty, I'm cutting you the fuck off. Period. I don't have time for the cops, your new boo/wannabe suitors or your family to play save The Damsel because you told them half truths about why we don't speak.. FOH. 

You act civil then you get to stick around and we can be friends. It's really not that hard of a concept to grasp as to why you end up on whatever side of the fence that is. Acting civil gets you access to me in some capacity. No, I'm not putting up with the occasional snide comments about why our connection didn't connect either so that will get you cut the fuck off too. Let it go. 

Everyone gets treated this way by me so if you find yourself having to stalk my Tik Tok or my kid's pages, my Twitter or EVEN HERE, this is why you are on that side of things. Stop lying to yourself.... 

This was a 'Sitting In The Drafts" post but I felt the need to add a few things so it didn't qualify in my eyes.. Full transparency. 

Read More