Tuesday, June 11, 2013

(Words) "I'm just tired....."





I was watching the Dr. J documentary tonight, GREAT DOCUMENTARY BY THE WAY, and he was speaking on his brother's death....


He got to the hospital just in time to hear him utter those words...


I almost had to cut the TV off. I made it through the first showing of the documentary okay though 'cause I REALLY WANTED TO SEE IT. 

The second showing though.....


As soon as he said it, I had to turn it off. (Luckily, I recorded it...)


Now as a child, I had 'heard' about folks saying that. I even remember my Nan Momma standing up in church, telling her Pastor that it would be her last Sunday in church.....


"I'm tired and I feel like the Lord is ready to take me to be with my husband...I'm ready. So I'd like to thank y'all and tell you that I love you.."- My Nan Mama to her congregation. 

Those three words are something that I got used to 'hearing' over the last 14 years. At FIRST, I thought it was physical fatigue as the person uttering those words worked 2 jobs, PLAYED JUST AS HARD AS SHE WORKED and had a child/raised another one with me. I found out pretty quickly that it wasn't that. 

She was essentially telling me that she was ready to ..... She was prepping for the day that she could no longer......

The look on Julius's face as he recounted the story of his brother....the realization, even after ALL OF THESE YEARS.....that he was being told that. To have to come to grips with that as it BECAME REALITY... I felt his pain. I remember the day that I realized not only what she was saying but that she was serious about this. 

I know that pain. 

I know I'm not alone in knowing that pain but we aren't talking about that now are we? We are here on MY BLOG so yeah.. we are probably gonna talk about how 'EYE' feel. 

That tiredness. No one can seem to understand it. 

I can.... 

...I can also understand how you can feel that way and how it feels to dig DEEP....DEEP....DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF to keep going. Long after ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE QUIT. Long after the 'I don't know how you are doing it..' type attitudes would have really permeated things. 

The 'tiredness' doesn't come when you think it normally would. Those 'big days'. Naw.. There is pain on those 'big days' but NOTHING LIKE THE DULLING PAIN THAT DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES BRING. 

Nothing like the sting of not having THAT someone to talk to while the rain pours down on your house long after the kids have gone to sleep. Not that the conversations were marathon sessions either. Sometimes they were as brief as a head nod, a smile....a gentle brushing away of a wisp of unruly hair. A palm of the head. Or just the simple act of sitting next to that person in silence...enjoying the silence together. 

Not that folks don't 'fill voids' or provide some support. They do. It is just that when the person you have been used to having around when you'get tired' is no longer around........it is tough. You don't wanna lean too hard on anyone else 'cause what if they 'get tired too'? What if they don't 'understand' like they claim they do? Especially when you are mourning the loss of 'that' someone. You can't get 'mad' when they don't get it no more than they can't get mad at you when you can't 'make them get it'. 

This fight.... man this fight.....IT IS A TOUGH FIGHT. So many different angles. So many different things to worry about. 

Sometimes I take solace in knowing that there are other folks have had to sit by helpless to their loved ones plight. Their fate. Knowing it wasn't going to end well and that whatever the circumstances were....that they would have to live with the pain and suffering for the rest of their own natural lives.


I saw that pain that the Angel of Death can bring in Dr.J's eyes. 

It is the same pain I have in mine.... the same one that is in my children's eyes. Good times wash over our faces and they are truly good times. Temporarily covering the pain... 

They mask the 'I'm just tired' in our faces though. Sometimes, I have to put them (the kids) all on my 'back' figuratively and literally.I just don't know if I can trust anyone else enough....






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