Sunday, March 3, 2013

(Words) Reconciling, moving forward. Never forgetting....

I always assume that those who have passed on to the 'other side' have this sort of 'view finder' that allows them to either see the future, see the past or both. I am also a firm believer that those same folks probably get some sort of leeway in having a hand in things. That said, I know that if my now deceased wife has ANY SAY where she is at, the things that have transpired since her death, while not a DIRECT result of her, were influenced by whatever say she may have.

I'm going to be pretty vague, at least in my opinion, about the 'details' of some of those things. Others, I just won't flat out discuss. Either way, what I"m about to write is yet another chapter in my life after the death of my spouse. I know some of you have been praying every day and I thank you for that. Truly. We need it. Still need it. Still more trying days ahead. Every day is a hurdle and sometimes we graze the hurdle. Other times we run through it. There are days when we straight CLEAR THE HURDLE with perfect form. Those days are few and far between though. We are healing though.

I found a letter from her that she left with her wedding dress. Didn't find it until the other week. No, I'm not publishing the letter. What I can tell you is that it spelled out everything that I've been trying to tell folks from day one of this tragedy. I feel vindicated in a major way. That weight lifted off of my shoulders was huge. I mean, I WAS THERE but when you are one of the few that were and the MAIN PERSON is no longer here to give validity or credence to your version of the events, it is hard. Those who 'weren't there' have a hard time grasping. That note clears all of that up though. I read it to those who needed to see it. Children were addressed in it. They got their 'closure' in that sense. It was already closed for me in that sense so I am glad that they got that.

I have often been told by many that my children are going to need 'help' dealing with the situation. I'd like to take the time to reassure folks that I am DOING THAT. Not 'gonna' do. Not fixing to do. Doing. I would also like to point out that I KNOW THEY NEED IT. Melissa didn't get that. I'm of the belief that had she gotten it, she would still be here. I HAVE TO BELIEVE THAT. It is WHAT HELPS ME GET MY KIDS HELP AS THEY FACE THE SAME MOTHERLESS LIFE THAT SHE HAD TO WALK THROUGH. I've seen the movie. I'm NOT trying to have my kids star in the trilogy. Nope. So yes, steps have been taken. Steps will CONTINUE TO BE TAKEN. I'm going to take a few of those 'steps' myself.

Her death, for those of you who don't know, happen IN OUR RESIDENCE. We've stayed in our home because well........IT IS OUR HOME. Nothing diminished that. It was a SOOTHING thing believe it or not for us. It took time for my kids to see that but they got that out of that. Anytime they wanted to say 'Hey Mommy', they could stand RIGHT WHERE SHE DREW HER LAST BREATH and say that. We are going to miss that. I thought I was going to feel like I was 'leaving her behind' when I walked out of that house with our belongings. I thought I was tearing down a foundation.

I wasn't. I was merely moving the foundation to a sturdier place. I've NEVER FELT MORE SURE ABOUT SOMETHING BEING THE RIGHT THING IN MY LIFE. I've also never felt so sure about HOW I WENT AND TOOK MY TIME AND MADE IT HAPPEN ON MY TIME PERIOD. Not on everyone else's. Not when my Momma thought I should do it. Not when my friends thought I should do it. Strangers. Counselors. Doctors.

When I wanted to. When I was ready. When I could reconcile with the decision and take her clothes and belongings that I didn't want everyone privy to and dispose of. When I could stand there in that spot where she took her breath, take the spiritual presence and 'carrying it to the new place' with me.


She is HERE. At this new place with me. I can FEEL HER. I can feel her putting people in my Life to take the place of the things she has done. I can feel her giving those folks the power and permission to do what she would have done for me. Make no mistake about it either. Folks have commended me for 'all I did for her' but she did PLENTY FOR ME. Things that you can't put a monetary value on. She has given those tasks to several people and I am accepting of those folks giving it to me. I'M STILL SINGLE btw. I HAVE TO SAY that 'cause folks get to 'wondering'.. When I'm not, you will be the 'second' to know. :) I have a LOT OF WONDERFUL FRIENDS that are helping me out though and believe or not, they are not all FEMALE and if they are, they aren't 'like that'. Yeesh. @ the speculation. lol (I'm smiling as I type this. That means YOU SHOULD BE SMILING TOO AS YOU READ IT. I'm not mad.. I hate that I have to type that out but tone is hard to convey when you AREN'T MAD in text so....Here we are..)

I prayed for signs that accepting help was okay and she answered EACH AND EVERY ONE with the cue I was looking for. Be specific when you pray people. That's all I can say. I should say God provided that by the way. I know that. I also know that right now HE KNOWS I am in a way that I have to see it coming from her in order to heal. I know he is ULTIMATELY behind all though. Trust me. That said, I have 'human' feelings that I have to reconcile with that make me struggle with accepting help. I"m working on! I'm also working to be even MORE EFFICIENT than I was before in my time and such. Again, if you don't have kids, you probably don't know how much time you truly I have them and thought I was being pretty efficient and I was. I'm even MORE SO now though.

My Father is here with me too. He groomed me to be a man but he knew that the 'traditional sense of it' alone would NOT CUT IT. So he showed me who a 'man' acts and that it wasn't all about this macho bs that we are bombarded with. A man takes care of his children. He takes care of his HOUSE no matter WHAT HE HAS TO DO. If it is cleaning, he does that. If it is cooking, HE DOES THAT. He doesn't 'wait for his woman' to do it or 'do it out of spite to undermine his woman' in that way. He does it out of love and respect. He doesn't 'hold his woman back'. He lets her flourish. He also knows how to FLOURISH ON HIS OWN TOO. Never forgot that. This is was ALWAYS MY SHIP. She told me that and HE SHOWED ME HOW TO DRIVE IT SOLO IF I NEEDED TO DO SO. All I have to do is fall back on the teachings he gave me.

I have.

Today, I will continue to 'pass down' my Father's (and my Mother's..can't forget her. She helped me too but she is still here so maybe that's why I don't mention her as much.) teachings through one of my kids. He is my 'son'. Biologically? Naw. Spiritually and naturally though? Yes. I've raised him since he was 3 months old. My wife ADORED HIM. Used to love taking him EVERYWHERE WE WENT. He was like our accounting practice set for those of you who took accounting only he was LIVE AND IN THE FLESH. Some 18 years later, he is about to graduate. If you follow me on Instagram, you saw me post about his last game at St. Marks. I'm not here to judge his Dad so this is the ONLY MENTION I WILL MAKE OF HIM. I just knew that boy needed a Father. I knew my 'life lessons' wouldn't be wasted because I had someone I could pass them onto to. He has not disappointed me. He is a fine young man. Gonna make someone a nice addition to whatever family has him. Basketball family. Spiritual/friendship family. A FAMILY family.. if you know what I mean. Doesn't matter.  I'm not the only one thankfully who saw that he needed a Father so he has SEVERAL OF THOSE FIGURES IN HIS LIFE. I'm here to finish off that job for him. Home stretch for the kid and despite my situation, I'm STILL HERE FOR THAT BOY. Just like Melissa Jane would have wanted. Just like I WANT TO be.

You see, some of you go to the building they cal 'Church' (Feel free to insert the name of whatever your religion calls it here)  and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I have always done my work among the people. This is no exception. I just hope that I'm around long enough to see him, his first cousin by BLOOD who is my oldest daughter and my other daughters live out and do the things that Life brings for them for a good length of time.

One step and a time y'all. Sometimes I still stand still when I can't take that step. Always head forward though.

We are working with it. Playing the hand that we were dealt.

'Till next time.