Had to retreat into my own thoughts for a second. Pretty sure you understand.
The title speaks to the fact (AMONG OTHER THINGS) that when I told folks 'what happened', I could see the 'doubt' in their faces. @ why Melissa decided to end her life.
I could see some TRULY trying to grasp it while others were just like 'Naw...had to be more'. Even saw a few 'Naw, nigga it was you and are you sure you didn't DO SOMETHING." (Too much TV y'all. Cut back on the movies and shit..Yes, it happens but unless to a person, every one of you can tell me TWO CASES in which you know the people PERSONALLY that it happened to, I'll stick to the 'it rarely happens' odds thank you very much. .00000333% does not 'it happens all the time make. Sorry folks. )
All the while telling me that I 'probably should know since I was with her every day".
At first, I was actually okay with that as I knew that 'they didn't know' the full scope of things. Then, I started to grow weary of having to explain it OVER AND OVER AGAIN like my story was going to deviate. Then I got mad when folks just flat out started saying, 'That's not it.." All while telling me..
'You were with her every day so you would know better than us..." -_-
Imagine how that shit sounded to me..... Yeah.. (I've already imagined how her DEATH SOUNDED TO YOU BY THE WAY. She was my EVERYTHING. Lover, FRIEND, RIDER, PARTNER IN CRIME, AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF. All rolled into one..So I can relate how it 'sounded to you. I probably wouldn't have leaped that far though and some of you were a BAD INFLUENCE FOR HER unbeknownst to you. See what I did there? It's called not jumping to conclusions. You should try it sometimes. No really... )
I found something the other day. Not gonna share it here. Shared it with my kids and those that needed to know. @ the actual content.
I'm not crazy. I know what I saw. I know what we talked about it. I know the in and outs of what came out of me knowing. Two simple paragraphs from my wife summed it up perfectly. @ what I found the other day.
So now that I am no longer just 100% but 150% certain I know why my wife did what she did...... Hate that I had to give the other bullshit some light (investigate..not believe..but investigate..) but I had to rule shit out. Charge it to the game.
5% of what has happened has made it to the published portion of the blog. I'd gather to say about 7% of the situation in its totality has made it here period. Sitting in the drafts section probably never to be published. That said... Here we go....
So much more in this situation that I quite honestly never gave any thought to having to consider.
I mean I knew that I would have to stand up in deliver no doubt. Just didn't thing self esteem would feel the quiver.
You see, I was counting on seeing mirror behavior. Having to do what I felt wasn't done for her through the young saplings we've cultivated.
I mean if IT WERE YOU in this situation? I would be able to tell you exactly what was what and keep you mentally hydrated.
Kinda hard to get yourself to drink from the same well though. Even if you have drawn water for others from it your whole life.
I mean I KNOW BETTER. I know 'all the answers'. I know what is going to come out of folks mouths before they can formulate the words. But.....you see..she was my wife...
There are no mythical time machine I can jump in. No P90X. No 'surgery'. No Pill. No bottle. No elixir.
The irony that source of my pain finally came to the same conclusions. That there was nothing that could 'fix' her.
Selfish act? Delusion that there no way out? Self preservation. Been grown her whole life. Her? Gwen Stefani. I was her Jay. With No Reasonable Doubt.
Life started out in the positive but points got knocked off into the negative far too early.
Coaches weren't in the coaches box anymore. Forced to be grown when she should have been young, adolescent and girly.
Super Saiyan mode. Lil girl gone forever SO SHE THOUGHT. Grown woman powers. Activate.
Never got the 'okay that's enough killer' talk. Or if she got it, she wasn't trying to adhere.
Never got that she REALLY WAS MEANT TO SEE THE BABIES GROW. That she really was MEANT TO BE HERE.
Never got that she was pretty enough. Coach's validation missing on her evaluation.
Competition. Be the best. Pretty standard stuff for some but some NEVER had HER DEDICATION.
If the goal was one hundred percent, she would set her bar at one hundred seventy five.
Hit one hundred fifty AND DOUBLE BACK FOR THE OTHER TWENTY FIVE. Otherwise it would just eat her alive.
Chasing that coach's perceived plans and dream. Living the nightmare that the coach's departure left her in to survive..
Seen through the eyes of an eight year old...seeing the coach's eyes.. hearing the coach's demands and LITERALLY taking them to heart.
Seeing her other coach pass away. Being pulled away from her childhood home... a whole new start..
Cycles...6,11, 14....years respectively. Matriarch coach is gone. One coach still here. Intimate and legit worries. Living in fear.
Worrying about remaining coach's health and sanity. When will he leave? Is he going to still be here?
Little girl was never 'gone' by the way. She made appearances all through adulthood and made cries for attention.
She made appearances all the time in adulthood. In the most uncanny ways. Often with plenty of warning and premonition.
Emotional outbursts, acts and behaviors given dismissive waves by even those within arms reach.
Not to this naked eye. I saw 'em all. I couldn't speak on them to others though. Her trust, I could not breach.
Breach it YOU SHOULD HAVE! If she is your friend, family member, etc. That's what you say.
I did that once. That earned me a seven year exile. Only I didn't have to 'go away'.
I did that before and nobody wanted to look beyond 'me' as the issue.
I did that before and the only thing most of you offered was a brief word and a tissue.
You went back to your lives even though you CLAIMED YOU KNEW HER BETTER THAN I.
You claimed to care about her but I HAVEN'T SEEN HAIR NO SIGN OF YOU. When she passed, did you even cry?
So I'm not trying to hear FROM you what I 'should have done'...
Besides, the blame game is something I do BEST. I can play the board empty. Standing alone on the board. With no one.
I always wanted her to be more. Do more. Get well. Never EVER GOT IN HER WAY.
Even if it meant she had to soar and on the ground is where I needed to stay.
I felt like what I wrote up top had to be said. Some of you are gonna take that as 'shots' at you and truly they are not. I also know who I took the shots at, they will get to see 'em. I don't doubt that. I mean what I say though. *shrugs*
Should it bother me? Probably not.
Does it? Yes. 'Cause I know that is how things get murky. You see, I worry about my kids and some of you are holding onto to things that you have no clue as to what you are talking about. @ what you 'think you know'. I'm not here to 'clear up' specifics either. I just don't need you murking up my kids lives with your version of your '1/4 truths'. That's all. I'd hate to have to ban folks from contact with my kids. I will though.
You weren't here. I was. I can SPEAK ON IT 'cause I took the time to figure out behind all of the accolades, achievements, the prettiness and all of that, that there was an 8 year old girl and 13 year girl screaming out for help.
Did you? Oh.... Okay then. Leave my name out of it. @ what you 'think happened'. It is pretty clear what happened. You just chose to either 'ignore it' or maybe...(gasp)...you missed it. I know the shock that someone who (insert whatever inferior role she played in your Life in regards to her due to her age, family ranking, worker status, etc) basically FOOLED YOU INTO THINKING EVERYTHING WAS FINE when clearly it was not is overwhelming but you are gonna have to face those two realities. Either you igged it or you didn't see it. I'm gonna have to ask the tough question though.
How did you NOT SEE IT if you had ANY knowledge OF HER LIFE? I mean that was the FIRST THING I saw when I met her AND I MADE IT MY BUSINESS TO FIND OUT WHAT EXACTLY WAS WRONG. I didn't have all the answers then but I SAW IT. I can't see how you couldn't. More importantly, if you DID SEE IT, at some point when it was APPARENT I wasn't going anywhere, WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO ME with it to make sure I knew? If you cared about her as much as you are proclaiming that is... ESPECIALLY THEN. Maybe not so much 'now'. 'Cause it is hindsight plus you KNOW I KNOW NOW.
How did you miss it?
If you didn't have that knowledge, I'm probably gonna exempt you from the question unless you came at me wrong about 'what I could have done'.. The question applies to you though if you ask me that 'cause I'm gonna ask you.
Why didn't YOU do something?
Look man.. You can 'not like me'. Not think I was 'good enough for her' or whatever you wanna think.
You better recognize though that I was THE ONLY ONE ACTIVELY on a day to day basis who truly tried to help her reconcile her past in that way. While she was watching her past parade by her via her future. @ her kids. 'Cause I was the ONLY ONE who had the nuts to take everything that came back at me for trying. Did you? Oh..okay then. Shut up. Don't wanna hear from you. I watched some of you 'kid glove her' so I'm not talking about what I heard. I'm talking about what I saw. I know some of you didn't too though. Which is why she hid things from you. Somehow, it was my job to DO BOTH and I did that.
How do I know I was the only one?
She told me. More than once. Beyond that, actions SPEAK LOUDER. Didn't really see folks exhibit actions that correlate with the 'things I'm hearing' or WHAT I SAW when she was alive. @ CERTAIN ACTIONS/attitudes/etc. That's all I know.
Like I just said. Legit fear. I read about that country singer the other day and my heart, like most of you who have a soul, just broke. Luckily, I don't have the 'vices' that she has BUT DAMMIT the rest of it, I FELT.
You know, it isn't like I had an arranged marriage or something. @ MISSING HER. I legit chose her and decided THAT FOR BETTER OR WORSE this is what it was gonna be. I do mean for 'worse' too BECAUSE if you have been reading along, I knew of her issues pretty much the whole time.
I'm not writing this for you to suddenly say 'Is he okay?? Everybody call him now!!" Naw, I already have people calling and stuff now truthfully. I'm just saying I understand how homegirl felt. Truly.
The other day, on my Twitter line, I got into a discussion (it was civil) about the 'cowardly' act that is suicide. I won't pretend to feign ignorance to the simple truth of the matter. Which is, if you don't know about it up close and personal, you are probably going to hold that VIEW ON IT SOLELY. Rather, it is probably gonna be the 'main' view you have on it. Sure, you will 'understand' that things go on but since you've never been to that point or seen anyone get there, you just don't understand. Which is fine.
Like many things you just don't understand though, you probably shut ALL THE WAY FUCK UP ABOUT THEM. -_-
There. I said it. 'Cause I don't even ENTERTAIN things that I can legitimately say, "I've never been through or experienced' THAT I CLEARLY CAN SEE ARE BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION. That's just me though. I digress.
Picture me telling someone from the 'bomb squad' about their failures on a job when my only experience with them is 'the ground is the black wire' from some damm movie? I've never dismantled a bomb so I probably don't know what the hell I'm talking about. Think of it like that.. That's not to say I shouldn't have an 'opinion' about it but since I don't know what the hell I'm talking about to begin with, I might not want to be too adamant about the inner workings of what it takes to dismantle a bomb. I don't know enough about it to get indignant and self righteous about what should or shouldn't be done.
I just think that before you slap that label on someone, you might want to do your research and remove 'YOURSELF' from the situation before you pass judgement. Pretty sure there are plenty of things you didn't see yourself doing until you were FACE TO FACE with those things and you had to make some decisions. If you haven't, you haven't lived enough yet. Come back to me when you have. Oh that's right. Some of you have never 'conformed', deviated from your plans or anything like that. You are so special.
Did you ever finish school by the way?
That business you were gonna start, how's that working out for you? Oh you haven't started it yet? My bad..
I thought you only messed with bad broads? Why does your...never mind..let me be nice.
Get it? Okay good...
Now before someone says 'Well are you saying I shouldn't be MAD at the person for doing that?"
Never said that. I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT AS WELL. I just wouldn't use the word 'cowardly'. Not when it comes to someone whose mental mind state is challenged and doesn't have what one would deem 'normal' tendencies. That's what I am saying. Let me reiterate that some of those 'abnormal' tendencies are what make those SAME PEOPLE GREAT.
Where they 'cowardly' when they helped you and ABOVE AND BEYOND to do so during situations that your 'scary ass' couldn't handle? Oh....
Where they 'cowardly' when they were the ONLY ONE WHO COULD OWN UP TO THEIR BULLSHIT while you continued to duck, hide, lie, deflect and hide behind bullshit girl/boy mantras? Oh..
Or where they cowardly when they finally did open up to someone about their issues and the fact that they couldn't control them while you STILL won't open up about yours?
Yeah... be REAL CAREFUL with the 'cowardly' statements...insinuations. That glass house over there is looking REAL SHINY cuh.
You see, for the vast majority of folks who struggle with this, it isn't a 'once in a while thing'. It is EVERY DAMM DAY. Yes Sherlock, even those days you saw them 'happy'. They don't get to 'pick and choose' which days either. There is no 'Good day/Bad day' wheel they are out here spinning. Not to say that there is one for anyone but in particular there is not one for them. It is a lot.
The other thing I would like to point out to some of you Perfect Patties/Peters out here is that from what I can ascertain, the folks that suffer from these things usually are some of our more 'RESPONSIBLE' folks IN THE WORLD. They usually have the high pressure/very demanding jobs/lives. The brunt of everyone depending on them (sometimes at their own behest but CERTAINLY THOSE THEY ARE HELPING SURE AREN'T TURNING IT DOWN EITHER..) is HUGE. What am I saying? Let me be clear.
They are out here doing far more than you are in most cases. With less. You might want to shut up with your judgement and do more. That's what I am saying. Clear enough for you?