Language...language...LANGUAGE.. I tried but I'm writing from a raw place with no 'go back and smooth things over'. Sorry.
I''m writing to you from a place of vulnerability RIGHT NOW.
Words blurred up on the screen from the pain I feel..
Sitting on the same couch...looking at the same back door....thinking pretty much the same thoughts she did..
Well, maybe the SAME THOUGHTS haven't led me here..or maybe they have..
I would elaborate but despite popular belief (and these series of writings), I still do hold some things VERY CLOSE TO MY VEST.
There's a LOT I could be talking about. Hi Momma, I know you are worried I'm saying too much.
I've told about 5%. It's all good Momma. Trust me.*
I mean, the ONE PERSON that I would ask, consult, feel confident enough to know they know me...
I have tons of friends... phone numbers and such.
Shit, I could get on Twitter, Facebook, whatever RIGHT NOW and reach out and touch.
Not the same.
Not the same.
At least not yet.
Yeah, it CAN BE THAT BAD. I mean I hear y'all talking that shit about 'It can't be that bad.."
Yet you've never been in that moment........Talking out of your ass. Like you normally do.
I know, it is acceptable to talk outta your ass when in a group. Let me enlighten you though...
I'm IN THAT MOMENT. NOT MY FIRST TIME HERE.
IT CAN BE THAT BAD. It might be THAT BAD AGAIN.
Shit, it might be THAT BAD FOR AWHILE. *shrugs*
I'm not the only one it is 'That bad' for.
Throw your names out there. Stand up on your horses. Throw around the word selfish and all of those spiteful things you can conjure up.
When you 'get here' though, DON'T FORGET TO MAN (ovary) THE FUCK UP...-_-
"Cause it can't be 'that bad', right? RIGHT? Oh...
It can be that bad. I'm here to tell you. I'm writing from that moment.
Some of you are gonna read this as a forward and say to yourself "It can't be THAT BAD' anyway. So let me fill you in.
I LOST MY FUCKING WIFE AND I GOT THREE KIDS. THREE LITTLE GIRLS.. That I have to raise by myself now...
You SURE IT CAN'T BE THAT BAD FAM??
Let me lay that in your lap and see how you handle that.
Read that again. Let it sink in.
Oh, trust me homie....IT CAN BE THAT BAD. I'm here to tell you.
Could it be worse? Absolutely. But we are down here in the 1% fam. Sorry. Your hypothetical attempt to 'cheer one up' is pretty null and void at this point.
It's a pretty BIG FUCKING DEAL in case you don't know. Ditto to anything ANYONE ELSE HAS LOST, had not go their way, etc that is a BIG DEAL TO THEM.
Talk about 'selfish acts'. @ standing in judgement over what is important to someone based on HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT SOMETHING/SOMEONE.
Yeah you. I'm talking to you. Whether you are Joe Plumber or rap superstar. You. I know you meant well..
...That's. Not. What. One. Who. Is. Going. Through. That. Wants. Or. Needs. To. Hear.
I'mma let the words cry for me and in the morning I'm gonna put my head up and KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
BUT I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER...
EVER EVER EVER....
Tell someone it 'It can't be that bad.."
Even if I didn't know what it felt like. Too many people have died behind it for there not to be some validity to things.
I know the feeling.
It can be. Just. That'. Bad. (It's a theme. Maybe you will get it by the end..)
Sorry for you folks who are living that 'Sun shiny..I'm good.' life if you can't understand.
Shit I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.
I wouldn't wish this on someone I hate. That's how bad this shit.
You not understanding doesn't give you the right to tell anyone it 'isn't that bad' though. FOH.
That is, if you saying so from a place of help. Afterall, if you aren't trying 'to help', you are in the way and well...
...if you are in the way... fuck you. Straight like that. Moving right along though...
You don't have to TELL ME WHO I HAVE TO LIVE FOR EITHER. How do you think I'M STILL HERE?
Yeah.. I already know that.. They can't lose me to this. Duh.... Why do you think I am writing this out? Why do you think I am using EVERY AVAILABLE RESOURCE THAT MY PRIDE AND DIGNITY WOULD NORMALLY NOT ALLOW ME TO USE? You think I'm doing this for fun? For show?
No. I know I have to let it and do SOMETHING or......yeah....
Can't have it both way though. Telling me to 'let it out' but having me over thinking if I let it out, I will have your judgement to 'fear'.
I'm in mourning but I ain't dead...I refuse to live in that kinda fear. None of you have a blueprint so you will deal. (Hi Arrogant)..
Yeah, my sense of humor is still intact. As I type each word, the words on the screen are starting to become less blurry.
See, it was good for both of us.
My words have less fury.
Less angst...but are still wrought with emotion.
I just wanted to NOT SO GENTLY REMIND SOME OF YOU STANDING IN JUDGMENT OVER THERE...
It can be that bad. Trust me. *looks back five minutes ago from when I wrote this*
It was JUST THAT BAD.
It is about 3:21 in the morning. I'm up by myself.
She was up about this time.
It got that bad. I was in the other room...
But if she felt ANYWHERE CLOSE TO HOW I FEEL NOW THAT SHE IS GONE..
She must have felt ALL BY HERSELF..
Fuck..I'm mad I know that feeling but at the same time I'm happy that I can reconcile it in my mind.
It helps me when I slip into judgmental mode. Well that along with knowing what she was going through..
Knowing what was going through her mind.
The whole song fits what I'm saying but 1:37 or so REALLY SUMS up the post I am making here....
Oh and while I'm up here let me dispel a lil myth that y'all got going out here.
We CAN know what is going on in folks minds. We just have to stop being so dismissive about what we hear.
We are too busy out here telling folks what they DON'T MEAN. When the shit is RIGHT THERE.
Or listening to them backtrack when the do let it out and we give that judgmental side eye.
I think I covered that in a piece before. She NEVER WANTED to give anyone the satisfaction of giving her that sideye 'cause ....well....lets face face it. Some of you aren't shit and would have taken advantage of it.
I'm a little different in that way. You can know I'm going through a tough time but I will lash out. Quickly. Swiftly. Sharply.
Anyway, I don't believe we can't know as long as someone is telling us. Some of us just have to listen a little harder. That's all. Either that or stop feigning like you really give a shit one. Your choice.
Yeah....that was harsh. It is the truth though. I've had some of you say you wish you would have known.
Like I didn't all but tell you.
Like you didn't 'blame me' for some of her shit.
Told you I'd lash it. Try me.
So what SHOULD YOU SAY to someone THAT IS CLEARLY HAVING A BAD TIME now that you kinda know it REALLY IS THAT BAD?
"It is that bad but I'm here to help..If you will allow me...when you are ready.. "
See how simple that was. That's really all you can do honestly. If....you can do that and get through. That's just the reality of the situation.
Yeah....you shoulda thought of that. See, if you say 'it isn't that bad' to someone who is IN THAT MOMENT... RIGHT AT THE TIME THAT YOU ARE TELLING THEM THAT IT ISN'T THAT BAD... you will probably 'lose' them. Again, that is if they aren't that far gone in the first place. Lets just say, it won't help things.. Shall we?
Make sense now? It doesn't? Oh okay... well do yourself and the person in distress a favor. Just don't say anything. "Cause you are probably gonna make it worse. There's a REASON I didn't pick up the phone and call some of you. There's a REASON she didn't either... @ before she got to the point where none of us could have said anything. She knew.
She didn't have time for that shit. I can't blame her. I don't either truthfully. Sorry.
Over time, I had to learn that phrase was more harmful than helpful. It was that bad to HER. Didn't matter if it wasn't that 'bad to me'. It wasn't ABOUT ME. It was about HER.
In the end, I still lost her I know... I do know of the times that approach helped. Like I said before, I knew she was 'fighting' when a lot of you had no clue. She was 'fighting' for a long time. Even before I met her. Definitely while got to know her and DEFINITELY while I had her.
So you see...I just told you it can be 'that bad'.... While in the moment. Don't ask me how I have the clarity to do this either. It is how I AM BUILT. I don't expect anyone else to have that clarity.
Just take the words that are coming out of the clarity please.
It can be that bad. At this VERY MOMENT, it is that bad. You see how I slipped, just that quickly, into talking about her. About what it felt like for her. In her moment. I can FEEL THAT. I have to DEAL AND RECONCILE with that. Being 14 feet away.
Sleeping. Wishing I had woke up SOONER.
Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda. All over.
Woke up to a bad dream that I did WAKE UP SOONER. Only still not soon enough.
Yeah, the kids aren't the only ones who have 'em.
Tomorrow (later on today) though... you will hear from me.
Maybe some of you need to ACTUALLY HEAR FROM SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS STRUGGLING WHILE THEY ARE STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHIT DOES REALLY STINK.. @ UNDERSTAND.
Maybe next time, you'll temper your comments
Maybe next time, you will actually help instead of hinder.
Maybe next time, you won't have to say...
Maybe next time...Damm, it was that bad. (Insert their name here) is gone.. I wonder what I could have done....
*My mother, while not Internet savvy AT ALL, has some Internet savvy peers and family. She reads the posts. I know some of you would be mortified if your parents saw the shit you put up. I"m not 12 though. I don't care. Truly. I've been outta her pocket for going on three decades. It will be aight.
Aka...I'm Not You.
Later on today, my friend will be releasing a video. It will be ABOVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE POST. as well as probably have it's own post. It's relevance to the subject will BE THAT OBVIOUS. @ tie in to the post. I don't know when he is going to release it but when he does, I will RT the link.
He just released it.