Wednesday, January 30, 2013

(Words) I haven't 'stopped' writing about her, I've just stopped pushing 'Publish Post' on it for a minute...

I know a lot of you are here because of that now. More thoughts coming. Just haven't published some for lots of reasons.

A. Pretty raw.

B. Pretty busy.

C. Pretty emotional.

D. Some are too private and I probably will NEVER publish but I needed to write down.

E. I don't want to 'wear it out' although I know this is MY process and my situation so I can do what I want to do.

F. I wanted to bring some sense of the 'new' normal to the blog and post up some 'nice' things. Music, candy, whatever. Didn't want it all to be 'sad'. Even though I am DEFINITELY still in the process of dealing with all of this.

Now I know some of you follow me on other mediums, Instagram, Facebook, etc and have seen my lil feeble attempts to 'live'. *chuckles* I'm trying. End of the day though, I am still dealing with this. When everyone is gone, when the tv is off and the kids are in the bed, it is just me.

....and my thoughts. Out of that time has come some of the writings that I have either shared, alluded to up top or that will be vaulted away. The night's activities fall to the wayside at that point and the 'dreamlike euphoria' that is my situation hits me.

I pray for the day that doesn't happen, as often. Note I didn't say I pray for the day it doesn't happen ever. For a lot of reasons. Some you may understand. Some I hope you NEVER UNDERSTAND 'cause that means that you will know the pain I feel PERSONALLY. I want to wake up from this dream but I know I'm already awake.

........It's not a dream. It's my Life now.