Tuesday, December 25, 2012

(Words) Not sure how I'm supposed to 'Get Away From My Own Life" when my Life Always "Got Away With Me"

You know, in THEORY, I can understand the kind suggestions made by folks that I should 'get out of the house' and take some time away from 'things'. I mean, a change of scenery is a wonderful thing.

It still doesn't 'change' things for me in particular. You see, I LOVE changes of scenery as much as the next person. I also happened to have found someone that I THOROUGHLY enjoyed sharing those changes with. She is gone now in the physical. In time perhaps, I will be able to do EXACTLY as folks are suggesting and 'truly get away'. Right now, I carry that burden EVERYWHERE I GO. The alarm that woke up me that morning is the alarm for my youngest kid. I hear that EVERY MORNING 'cause I don't want to disable and forget to reset it. I think about her EVERY TIME THAT ALARM GOES OFF. Two times a day the clock reads 7:53 and there isn't ONE TIME that I haven't thought of Jane when I see that on the clock. Not one.

Wish you were here...Jane...

I know I was supposed to be 'getting away' from things but I guess what folks aren't understanding is that even though I never SPOKE ON YOUR presence, 9.99-10, you were RIGHT THERE wherever I was at.  So it is kinda hard to 'get away' from something or someone with whom I shared all my 'getaways' with. I' mean since I have gotten here I see ALL TYPES of reminders of you. The chair in my Momma's house where you would sit. The spot in Theresa's house where you would chill at. Where you would be. Where you would be..

This is probably every bit as hard as some of you out there reading this are imaging. Wanting to move forward but not knowing what is too fast or too slow until you get RIGHT UP on the situation. That's always fun..-_-. While I know I can and will do this my own way it is still........yeah.. Imagine 'catching yourself' having fun and trying to stop it only to argue with yourself that you are SUPPOSED to have fun?

Since there is no handbook for it, despite the many wonderful reading suggestions, I'm just literally working my way through each situation. As it comes. Sometimes, I don't even see 'em coming. Again, that always fun. There HAVE been some good times since she has passed and I'd like to let that be known. Unfortunately, over those good times looms the fact that she is not here. Pretty sure that will pass to some extent but I also know that it may not every truly 'go away'. Resigned to that but that resignation doesn't make it any more fun.

Kids had a dope Christmas which is actually gonna extend out over the days though. Happy for them that they are truly happy.

How am I? I'm here. Pockets of good. Valleys of bad. It's the truth. It is the valley that has me writing today. I hope that soon it will be the pockets that inspire some stuff too.

Again, it is kinda hard to 'get away' when things are so intertwined...