Sunday, November 25, 2012

(Words) The Truth....Wrote this a few days ago... Wasn't gonna hit send. Things Changed.

Now, I KNOW for a fact I am not the only one who lost someone today.


There is someone probably sitting down at their keyboard RIGHT NOW, whether it be their physical keyboard or their mental keyboard, crafting some similar thoughts. I'm not that pompous enough to think it is just me hurting today.



Matter of fact, as I went for my walk this MORNING, I found out my neighbor's Mother passed away yesterday too. Good lady. Anyhow, I say that to say.... 


Folks hurt EVERYDAY. Today though, yeah..we are gonna talk about me for a bit. If that is okay with your eyes....if it isn't...close the page out man. It is really that simple. I'm probably not gonna go TOO much into detail but this person......she was a stranger to me from the beginning of her life in 1978 to late '1997....by '98 she was a fixture in my Life until November 19,2012. She gave me two beautiful daughters and was a mother to my other daughter from the day she was born. In '05, those two strangers became one and the train kept rolling....We rode that train all over the World. Yesterday....was our final stop.


I love you Melissa. Thank you for allowing me entrance in your life and coming into mine. My blog was a place of GREAT AMUSEMENT for my wife. I can honestly say that if you are up here and I did a piece on you, she SAW IT in its infancy stages. She pretty much gave the 'Yeah she's a winner' to just about every gal up here. All the Twitter 2 X got that final "What about her?". All of 'em. Make no mistake, like I said in the sidebar, THIS PLACE WAS NO SECRET. She visited everyday. Yes, even the Fun Fridays. Hell..ESPECIALLY Fun Friday.


All the rants? She knew the unedited version. She was my original 'Get a blog nigga..." spokesperson. She liked the outlet and over time grew to understand why I did what I did. Where one person might have seen the blog in one light, she truly got it. The 'tweeting like your single'/keep your feelings to yourself/ post? A Mrs. Ware's favorite for OBVIOUS REASONS.


Obviously, this isn't the outlet that SHE CHOSE to express herself but she knew I did AND she let me do it. I can't thank her enough for that. For real.It is only fitting that I say something about her here.



I love you 'Pretty Girl'. I miss you already. I saw the peace in your eyes when I went to bed though. I saw it. I can't reassure everybody else of that in their time of grief though. I may never be able to assure them of that ever. They are just gonna have to take the word of the man that went through some things with you that he finally saw it. I had NO idea about what seeing that would 'cost'.


 I do believe those two folks you've been chasing have finally been caught.  I believe in The Lord Jesus Christ DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY SEE ON THE SIDE OF THIS PAGE. I can't clap to the 'writings' of man on him totally 'cause I just see too many contradictions. I stand before you though, in full belief that she got a 'call' sometime during the morning of November 18th 2012 and she picked up that phone. I don't know WHAT WAS SAID during that call but she felt compelled to heed what she heard and leave us. The vast majority of us HAVE NOT BEEN TO THE OTHER SIDE and we all have to hang our hats on our beliefs so I have no malice if this is not what you believe. Believe what you like and what you will.


I saw the peace in her eyes when I kissed her goodnight that evening though. She knew that call was coming.. She was ready to answer it. It didn't come in the tidy package that most of you wanted it to come in either. That emotional outburst. That solemn cry for help. That 'bad week' or whatever. Unfortunately, we didn't get that one thing that would 'explain it' and while I know some of you think it would make you feel better, I beg to differ. 


As someone who saw it come in that package and offered everything a support person could offer. Sometimes, with your help lest you forget. I know you are grieving so you've forgotten. You see, all of those things had transpired before. The cries for help. The appearances. The need to HELP YOU 'cause when she didn't know what else to do she.....HELPED OTHERS. All things some of you have told me transpired before I arrived in her life. Yet she still was searching. Chasing. So this time, in true Jane fashion........Those are the facts. You can do with them what you will. There was nothing we could do though. I say that as her Husband. Somebody has to say it. 


Everyone is telling ME THAT but still asking questions. Naw... let me tell you. Options. Exhausted. I KNOW there was nothing we could do 'cause I TRIED IT ALL. 'till death do us PART ALL..You can feel free to insert a 'WE' in the following sentences 'cause it ran like I-95. North and South. Two Ways. I gave her time. I gave her space. I let her chase her dreams UNBRIDLED. Things were done that most normal folks would die from cringing at the thought of. . I bought her in when it was time to say 'ENOUGH". I sought help. I pushed her to help. I GAVE UP MY DREAMS SO SHE COULD FULFILL HERS.... and I do it all again. I just wanted my baby to happy... Still despite knowing every SINGLE WORD I JUST TYPED IS TRUE...It hurts...and you still are probably gonna ask me* I have answers. I just don't know if 99% of you can handle 'em. There is a clarity here for me that I can't give to 99% of you though. I want to. I just can't..I feel bad. I feel your pain. I really do. I can't let you beat me up over though fam. Nope. Sorry.



Understanding- appreciate, comprehend...the use of ' appreciate ' should involve valuing something or understanding it sympathetically, and when there is no value or sympathy, use ' recognize ' or ' understand '; appreciate first meant 'set at a price; appraised'


The root word of this is of course, Understand. 


I think I've heard this word a good 1000 times LITERALLY in the last 24 hours. Usually accompanied by 'don't'. I feel like 'the don't' falls DIRECTLY between the two definitions here. Some valued their friendship and they were sympathetic to the circumstances and loved HER ALL THE MORE FOR IT. The 'Word' glosses over (teaches...... 1st Corinthians 6:19-20) us that is no value or sympathy in certain acts in the eyes of God as the body does not belong to us. Or at least that is the INTERPRETATION some choose to get out of that and several passages. It belongs to God. however so there lies the conflict.. There I said it... It is in plain English. Conflicted. Some of you seem conflicted with this...

I'm not conflicted or bound by that. I hold no malice towards you if you are though. It is understandable. Those are your beliefs. Who am I to take that away from you? Nobody. That's who. Knowing I am not bound by that should, but probably won't, make what I am saying a bit easier to 'understand'.

I felt compelled to put the definition of the word understand 'cause I think that every ONCE IN AWHILE, we really need reminding of what words TRULY MEAN. Not what we want them to mean. Is this my way of telling you that YOU 'DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL'? Naw. I'm not here to split 'grief' hairs. Grief is grief and losing someone in 'title' doesn't necessarily equate to what they meant to or bought to your Life.

What it is my way of telling you is that the CHANCES ARE HIGH YOU NEVER TRULY UNDERSTOOD HOW JANE FELT. Ever. Not due to LACK OF EFFORT EITHER. I'm not here to point fingers.  That's gonna be a hard pill for some of you to take 'cause you were RIGHT THERE. Am I guessing? No. Jane told me. More than once. She was MY WIFE. That simple. For those of you who may not know, this was something that Jane found to be one of my more endearing qualities. Addressing the Pink Elephant in the room while the rest of you eased on by it. Once we FINALLY STOPPED doing that, we were more than okay. Not perfect. Just more than okay. The closure that some of you are seeking lies there. @ addressing that. It isn't that complex of a concept to grasp.



How can you trust that what I am saying is true? I dunno...  I don't CARE honestly. I mean I care ENOUGH TO PUT IT IN WRITING FOR YOU TO GET IT but I can't invest time caring beyond that. Get past WHATEVER YOUR feelings are and look at the facts. You could always try that. @ what you knew...didn't know... or thought you knew and where we are now. It is CRYSTAL CLEAR.

 




Hiatus:


I'm pretty sure everybody would understand if I took a hiatus. Pretty tough things going on right now. Riddle yourself this though. 

What if me posting and writing, keeping the blog flowing, etc, etc..... kept me sane? Even if I didn't make emotionally filled posts like this on the daily? Then what? Would it really be weird to seek therapy/solace in something that I truly enjoy doing while going through a process that I take no joy from? 

Not taking a break doesn't sound so silly now does it? Exactly. That is why I never clowned folks for posting things up online during a tragedy. You never know what THAT MIGHT DOING TO KEEP THEM SANE within the situation they are currently facing. 


 Will I worry myself with the lil self imposed deadlines for content on the blog? Naw. Got too much other stuff to worry about. I'll just post when I can. Might effect the flow, may not. We'll see.





 
*I tried. @ if after reading all of this you still wanna ask me.

























2 comments:

I say it time and time again because these words are all I have...but I wish you and the girls peace. I wish Melissa peace. I hope she found it.

This was an emotional blog. My heart hurts for you.