Sunday, November 4, 2012

(Words) Same panties X Same Angles X Blurry pictures: What NOT TO DO if you are gonna show your ass on the Internet.

Before we get ALL THE WAY INTO THIS SHIT, let me make it clear.

I, OUT OF ALL PEOPLE, HAVE NO ISSUES WITH LADIES POSTING UP PICTURES OF THEMSELVES. None. Post away. Please. I appreciate them. No, you don't have to post them. Yes, I could always not 'click on them'. All of that is understood. I'm only addressing it because it has come up in my TL COUNTLESS TIMES BEFORE by those who DO CHOOSE TO LOOK and by those who post 'em. @ the aftermath. 

To those that post the pictures, there IS A REASON THAT SOME OF YOU AREN'T GETTING THE RESPONSES THAT YOU DESIRE. No, you can't please all of the people all of the time. I get that. Doesn't mean there isn't a reason though. 

Same panties. 

Same angles. 

Blurry pictures.

Now two out of the three, I kinda have some sympathy for. Every picture isn't going to come out perfect.* I get that. Some are 'in the moment', in the club, etc, etc. Maybe that is a sign that you shouldn't put the picture up. You do know that we will be okay if you don't have a picture up of you 'making a movie' in the club right? lol 

Anyway, back to the reasons.... The mirror you are taking the pictures in is the 'best angle' in your house and shit and you are 'WORKING WITH' what you have. Got it. Definitely want to take pictures where they come out the best. Understood. 

I can't give you a full pass on that one though 'cause the VAST MAJORITY of you have 'the best phone out' (snickers) in the iPhone and according to y'all, it takes the best pictures. It has 'the best camera'...the 'best apps' and all that ole other bullshit. Since this proclamation is echoed all over, I have to ask... 

Why do your pictures always look the same? How are you taking 'blurry' pictures in THE FIRST PLACE THEN? Is it user error? What's good? Are you that unimaginative? If you become a model, expect to cash in on your looks, which I have NO QUALMS ABOUT, are you just gonna do what the photographer asks without giving input? You just gonna lay there? It is bigger than having exotic features and a phat ass you know.. 

Some of you are gonna have to think outside of the box @ the pics. That is if you want to 'get where you think you should be' in this 'picture' game. Now if you don't have those aspirations, cool. Post the way you are posting and STOP READING. This isn't for you. 

I know secretly though, a lot of you do. Some of you have followed my blog and can't figure out 'Why her and not me?" I've seen the tweets. This is why. So step your game up. Take a picture out on Daddy's deck. Use the side mirror on the car if your ass is truly as phat as you think it is. Get YOUR NON DRUNK FRIEND to take the flicks. Borrow a page from the book of Joe (act like you don't know WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT IF YOU WANT) and get someone else to take even those 'self shots'. It will work out better for you. Trust me. 

Instagram isn't the only 'picture altering' game in town. @ filters and such. Not that I'm promoting the 'filter' game 'cause one day I might see you in person and well.....Life has no 'filter'. Pun intended...Get other words. We get it. Your ass looks phat in your mirror in the bathroom propped up on the sink. Got it.

I would also like to suggest more 'natural' shots. I'm not even gonna 'touch' the duck face shit. Y'all already know it is played. You've said it. (Still do it...but have said it..) 

Now to the panties. 

Touchy subject. I know. Gonna try not to hurt feelings 'cause honestly, that's not my style. If they get hurt though, look in the mirror. Pun intended. 

Look, nobody is suggesting that you have a ton of 'insert whatever the hot new brand of panties/bras/etc' is. What I am suggesting...implying.. HELL IMPLORING.. is that you should have more than 10. Or at least that 'we' should think you do. Now, I know a lot of you are gonna say the following:

"What is a MAN gonna know about telling me, a woman' about how many panties I should have...that's gay..." 

Two things:

A. I'm a parent. A full time parent. Not a check Daddy. Not a 'weekend Dad'. (Shoutout to you holding it down however you got to but that's not me..). Might know what I'm talking about as someone who has to purchase such things for people who some of you ARE NOT TOO FAR REMOVED FROM BEING. @ kids. Some of y'all just now started buying your own panties within the last two years and I know some of you still get that as a gift from your parents as a way to make sure 'that you don't have to spend your money on shit like that'. Trust me. It is okay too. Not a diss. **

B. I've been around women my whole life. I didn't just start 'getting at girls on the Internet' or some shit. Real LIFE INTERACTION around here fam. That said.. I've been in long term relationships where I've had to 'request' the 'sky blue boy shorts with the lace' 'cause I haven't seen 'em in two months. AKA...the cycle of panties has dictated their 'turn' yet. You know why? "Cause she had 30 pair of them joints. Some were one hitter quitters. Never SAW 'EM AGAIN. Ever. So yeah... I might know something about it. Which leads me into.....

.... cycle your panties. If you DON'T HAVE THAT SHEER NUMBER....'Fake it'..I shouldn't 'know' how many panties you have. Sorry. I might have a 'favorite' that I like to see you in but I shouldn't 'know'.  Don't get caught in the same panties in more than say.... five flicks..UNLESS THOSE FLICKS WERE ALL TAKEN AT THE SAME TIME. (That would be a called a 'set of pictures' for those of you who are challenged when it comes to the English language. That would be acceptable.) Just know that we ARE PAYING ATTENTION though. @ the recycling/I took this today but you didn't thing.. 

Now I mean NO MALICE by this post. I'm truly trying to help some of you. Hence the lack abundant pictures. (Look around, you know I PUT PICTURES UP so...) You can even take this advice and apply it to 'dating' if you like. Hit that nigga with some variety and always keep him guessing. Show him a thigh.. your desk or something. Keep it fresh. Maybe you give him a flick of just your lips glossed up. I'm giving out free game here ladies... Soak it up. 

Lets switch it up out here though. That's all I'm saying.. 

*Although if you are normal, you probably took about 4 shots to get the right one. Nothing wrong with wanting the shot to 'look right'. Why would you put something out into the World that looked like...never mind.. As you were. @ if you frown upon taking more than one shot. 

**Some will take it as such. No shame. Times are bad and EVEN IF THEY WEREN'T, that's how folks get by. Someone watches out for them. It is only a diss to me if you are out here frauding about how 'independent' you are. If that is you, I guess I just dissed you then...